What a Year...

Sorry it took me so long to post again...

Winter break is in full swing

And it gets hectic at times... I haven't had energy for blogging.

Things are going well, except for a little blip here or there...

Christmas was lovely. Everyone was really happy with the gifts they got

And I was glad I'd made good choices.

I actually managed to send some Christmas cards too

Which was nice.

I got a lot of really nice stuff too. Everyone was so generous and thoughtful.

I feel so special and privileged to have such wonderful friends and family.

I have to go... Exhausted and trying to stay awake long enough for midnight rounds.

Have a Happy New Year!

Sometimes It's Better If You Don't...

Quick update on some fun things before I launch into this heavy, heavy blog tonight:

• Went to the rec center today. Worked out on the elliptical and treadmill.
• Got a tasty smoothie
• Came back, only to find Alan and Chadd gearing up to go to the rec... So I went too!
• Swam, hot tubbed, and sat in the sauna, then had dinner.

So that part of today was pretty nice... I felt accomplished. Now, into the heaviness...

Myspace is a nifty little social tool, but let me tell you, I'm not pleased with it tonight. I went poking around Jess's Myspace. I like to look at the pictures. This means I found a link to his ex-girlfriend's Myspace. And because I'm a glutton for punishment, I looked at her photos.

This is an intense process... It involves me looking for every single physical flaw she has, then comparing those to every single one of mine. And unfortunately, I couldn't find enough of her physical flaws to convince me that I'm the winner in that category... And I only know hearsay evidence as to emotional/mental characteristics of hers, so I have to call that contest a draw for now.

There are still all those cute little "I love you" type comments in the photos. Old blogs that talk about their relationship and how much she loved him are still there. I guess I have an opinion of sorts on this... When Jess and I broke up, I purged my life of everything that reminded me of him... This meant photos, old letters and notes, gifts... I went through Facebook and Myspace, meticulously deleting everything. I didn't want to hold on to anything that I couldn't really have anymore. I feel like by keeping those things, it would have been a sign that I wasn't ready to give up. And so I worry she hasn't.

Maybe this is just me being crazy. But it was hard to look at all that, and realize that there was a time where he didn't love me, that there was a time when he was gone. Because even when we were apart, I never stopped loving him. And it's hard to see that he said the same things to her he said to me... And that he says to me now.

I guess I can't blame him... I don't. I really don't blame him. Love is a powerful emotion. I just don't want to think about him loving someone else, because it makes me think that I can be replaced. Because, for whatever brief time, they were engaged... She got the ring, not me. Because I know what it's like to be her on some level, wanting someone you can't have, or something you lost before.

Because I'm a crazy girl, and when I haven't seen him in weeks, these are the places that my mind goes to.

Thanks for listening to my crazy.

Oh, How I Love the French...

This post actually serves a double purpose...

I'm up at this godforsaken hour

Because I have a French final at 7:45 a.m.

And I feel that, at this point, sleep would be a bad idea

Therefore, I'll be staying awake

Then sleeping after the final.

Also, Bree showed me a video on Youtube today...

And it makes me chuckle quite a bit.

It's a man dressed as a kangaroo...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81szj1vpEu8

You ought to give it a look...

(Just so you know, there are a few seconds where a woman is sunbathing topless... You've been warned)

Maybe it'll make you smile too.

Bad News/ Good News

Bad news: I'm up until 4:30 a.m. writing a final paper.

Good news: I just discovered the Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes in my refrigerator. I put them there last night because they were melty, ate one this morning, and forgot about the rest of them.

I'm not saying it makes staying up til 4:30 a.m. favorable... but it definitely makes it all kinds of tastier.

Yum.

Late Night Insomnia and Odd Feelings

I was on duty tonight, and I'm having some trouble sleeping.

I watched P.S. I Love You, and it made me cry a little bit...

And now I feel like it's a crying night... I feel like it's been lingering awhile

I'm not quite sure why... Things are going well.

School is almost over for the semester, and I got the winter break job.

It's good money, even if it means more work and missing the Holidays...

Things are going really well with Jess... Better than I ever expected.

I love being with him, and I miss him when I'm not...

I'm trying to learn to talk things out when they annoy me... and I want him to do the same.

I guess I just want this to work out... I feel like we're both at a point where we can make it work.

That we've both grown up enough to fix what was always wrong.

I just hope that I'm right this time around.

So please know, dear readers, that for now, I'm happy.

I hope you are too.

Incredibly Productive Morning

As the title suggests, I've had a good morning as far as getting things done goes.
I woke up to a text from a resident asking about a checkout,
So technically I was working before my feet even hit the floor.
I came down to the office (seven minutes late, but I always stay longer than I'm supposed to)
And got right to work.

I have since completed my community activity assessment online...
Emailed the coordinator of the graduate program I' m interested in,
Started my personal statement for grad school applications,
And have just generally been productive.

It's time for me to go! Have a lovely day!

Thanksgiving in a Really Compact Nutshell

It's 4:30 in the morning, and I have a French test at 9:15, so this will be short.

Summary: Good Thanksgiving weekend... mostly.

Found out just before break that I got the winter break job... Woohoo!

Jess couldn't get anyone to cover his shift, so he didn't come to meet my family... again. His show went well, though, and it was nice to see a few people from high school... It wasn't so bad driving home the drunk friends either.

Made Christmas cookies with Bree, A.J. and Nikki... it was really nice. So was Thanksgiving dinner with them, and Bree and Nikki's Mom and Dad.

Thanksgiving at Uncle Ralph's went well... Stores stopped selling alcohol before Mom realized she didn't have beer... Consequently, she and I did not get into our traditional argument. Also, no one told me I'm going to Hell this year.

Final day of break: Jess played guitar and sang, whilst I warbled along with him. The result? Three audio recordings of the two of us that sound horrendous... But make me smile. Then I tried to teach him to swing dance. Fun times.

Next Holiday up to bat: Christmas... For now, enjoy my pictures!

Week Got Longer

Can't include details, but suffice it to say, Friday got a lot longer, and much, MUCH worse.

Weekend at home with Jess really helped, but now I'm back and have to deal with it all over again...

Longest Week Ever: It's Finally Friday

So, my anticipation over going home this weekend has made this seem like the longest week in the history of the world... All I want to do is go home...

On Tuesday, my cell phone took a turn for the worse. The battery hasn't been holding a charge for weeks now, but all of a sudden, the battery no longer acknowledges the charger at all. The wonderfully helpful people at the Sprint store suggested a new battery for $24.99. I explained that I'd never had a problem before this phone. I've had it just barely a year. Technically, less than that. I had to have the crummy thing replaced in July because it nosedived. So, they suggested I borrow a Sprint phone from someone else to use until my contract runs out (August 2010) I'm borrowing Dan's old one until I get the money to replace the parts on this one.

The problem is, Dan has been out of town all week. He gets back in this afternoon. Since Tuesday, I've been kind of living on a wing and a prayer, hoping my phone stays alive. It's clinging to it's last shreds of life now, and I'm watching the "Low Battery" signal meekly pulse it's remaining life out. I'll tell you now... they better switch my contacts over to the other phone, or I'll flip out... All my work numbers (let alone personal numbers) are in this phone, and so help me goodness, I'll kick someone in the face...

On another, somewhat lighter note... Last night, I had my community builder... Which three people showed up to. And none of them were actually my residents... But we watched Garfield's Thanksgiving, and it was a lot of fun.

Afterwards, myself and two of the ladies from Hall Council went to Acme to buy bubble gum. Each week, the hall councils have to submit creative minutes to KIC (Kent Interhall Council) This week, the theme was cartoons, and my brilliant idea was to duplicate the bubble gum football head from Hey Arnold! It was disgusting... Five people chewed five bags of bubble gum and smeared it over a football... Gross, but pretty cool at the same time. It's currently in my boss's freezer.

Then, this morning, I was up at 7:30 for an 8:30 meeting for the theme community that my boss and I are trying to begin. We had to meet with one of the academic colleges on campus, as well as higher-ups in our department, to gauge their interest... Basically, the meeting made me look like a moron because I didn't get current, correct information. So, I told the people from the academic college something completely wrong, and I got called out on it in the middle of the meeting. Plus, I couldn't get a word in most of the time. I'm still pretty upset about it... Why force me to go to the meeting if you're not going to let me talk? Or you're going to throw me under the bus? (Granted, I know no one did this on purpose... Still upsetting)

So, I ran to the bank to cash my birthday check from Aunt Gina, and treated myself to a terribly unhealthy breakfast at Burger King. Though my body will hate me, I felt nice. It was comforting, and reminded me of when I was little, and my Mom would buy me hash browns sometimes on the way to school... It was a special treat when we had a little extra money. Again, terribly comforting.

So now, all I have to do is office hours from 10:45-12:45, class from 1:10 to 2:00, then my one-on-one from 3:00-4:00, and maybe another hour in the office from 4:00-5:00. Then I'm running to the Sprint store again, and to get hookah stuff with Bree and A.J. before I go home. And I'm packing in there somewhere... It seems like a thousand years until then.

Ta ta! Have a splendid weekend!

To Quote AJ...

"Our feet are soggy and we are not sharing this fukin rum."

Yes... this is how I'm starting my blog... with a quote from another blog.

This past Saturday night was an adventure of sorts...

Nikki came to Kent, and I went to visit with her, Bree and AJ

After a delicious dinner of oven baked chicken (AJ and I made it)

And cheesy potatoes (which was all Bree)

We settled down to play a rousing game of "Beer"

It's a drinking card game... Simple enough concept. Do what the card says.

AJ was the only one drinking beer... he likes it, for some strange reason.

Nikki, Bree and I were drinking wine spritzers... Which I do not care for

If the point of drinking is to be drunk, then why not do shots?

Get it over with quickly...

Well, AJ and I wanted liquor to do shots... Bree and Nikki didn't.

They also insisted they were too "drunk" to drive...

One wine spritzer DOES NOT make you intoxicated.

So, AJ and I trekked across the complex, road, and campus to get to my car

(And surprisingly, got no calls from Bree)

Forty-five minutes and a potty break later, we arrived at my car.

I would like to point out, that at this point, we had stopped drinking for a few hours

I had not consumed a large amount of alcohol

And I had eaten dinner... Lots of dinner.

I was NOT in any shape, form or fashion driving drunk.

Anyway...

We drove to Wal-Mart, no good booze.

Campus Wine Cellar, just wine. (How many college kids are sipping wine on Saturday nights?)

So we tried this little liquor store down the road

And it turned out to be a bar and restaurant... Who names their restaurant, "____ Liquor?"

So we decided to drive to Stow, for Giant Eagle.

On the way to Stow, I remembered TLC Liquor

A little liquor store on the way...

It's only 10:30 at night, mind you...

And the liquor store is CLOSED.

What liquor store in their right mind closes at 10:3o on a Saturday

IN A COLLEGE TOWN?

Dumbest thing I've ever heard of...

So we continued to Giant Eagle, and got a bottle of pineapple rum.

Which AJ and I refused to share, because we had walked all that way

And adventured through Kent, Ravenna and Stow to get it.

Retrospectively, a whole bottle of rum is a lot for just two people

Especially when you're just doing shots...

And you each do 12 in an hour... and finish the bottle.

We both threw up... and perhaps, learned our lesson.

All in all though, an adventure worth having.

Mmm

I may have just eaten half a package of crackers...

On the plus side, the saltiness was DELICIOUS

Minus side, I think I was dehydrated BEFORE I started eating them...

Either way... Saltines... AWESOME.

Kent State: Liquor Store in Hiding

Tonight, A.J. and I went on an adventure.

We were looking for a liquor store

And for a college town, this was surprisingly difficult to find.

Like... REALLY difficult.

We ended up going to Giant Eagle.

I'm sleepy.

Goodnight.

Literacy Rocks!

In case you were wondering, I've read 41 books thus far this year...

My goal is 50, and this year it's a definite possibility...

Either way, I'm excited...

And I think you should be reading too!

Veteran's Day

Today is Veteran's day, which means no classes...

I only had one anyway, but still... It's nice

It also means no office hours and no community hours

Which I think is about the BEST thing I've heard.

I slept til 1:00 and finally caught up on sleep.

This past weekend was my 21st birthday... Long weekend.

Friday night, I went to Dan's house... Connie and Andrew (and later Dani) came too.

Andrew sneakily made me a birthday cake, and carried it in without me knowing.

It was really sweet of him. He was the only one that made a cake all weekend.

And Dan baked a zillion goodies, just like he always does.

Saturday, Celia came up to visit. She'd never been before.

We went to Olive Garden with Bree and A.J.

Shopping at Target and the Exchange

(Bree got me a birthday crown and A.J. got me the CD I've wanted)

Then back to their house to play Guitar Hero and Quelf (board game)

Then, Celia and I came back to my place to get ready.

At midnight, Celia, Connie and myself went to the bars.

I got to spin the birthday wheel at Ray's, which is apparently a tradition.

Then we went to Water Street Tavern, which was too loud and too crowded

But some random guy saw my birthday crown and yelled,

"It's your birthday?! BIRTHDAY KISS!" And swooped down and kissed my cheek

Sort of... it was more my temple/hair area... But he was drunk.

Next, we went to the Loft... Celia and I saw Becky, a girl we cheered with

She insisted on buying me a shot... I insisted I didn't need one.

I tried to walk away and she grabbed my arm and said, "No, you can't leave!"

So I did the shot...

Now we come to my FAVORITE part of the night

Connie insisted I try this thing called a Rocket Pop...

Think of the firecracker popsicles you ate when you were little...

It's this big mug, and the colors actually separate...

There's red and white and blue, and it's all fizzy

There's also a shot glass thrown into the mug, which I, for the life of me, didn't understand

I kept asking, "There's a shot glass in my mug... WHY would they put a shot glass in my mug?"

Connie just kept laughing at me...

Either way, it was delicious and my favorite thing all night

Then we went to Zephyr for a bit

Tabi and her boyfriend Andrew (not the same Andrew from earlier) came too

And I touched the neon bar sign

It wasn't hot and it didn't shock me, and I was surprised

Tabi laughed at me a lot...

And that was Sunday night...

Sunday, Celia woke me up at 11:30, and we went to breakfast downstairs...

Then drove back to Vermilion.

I went for lunch with my mom (Chinese food, like always)

Then went to the bar and did a shot of Wild Turkey

Because the ladies there thought it was a joke

By the way, it tastes terrible and burns endlessly

After, I went out to Gen's house... I got to see everyone

Felicia, Mr. and Mrs. Mercer, Gen, Jeremy, and even (finally) Aydenn

He's already six months old... it took me awhile to get out there

And it was nice to see everyone again.

Finally, I went to Nikki's house... Her mom made dinner

And I ate with them, and her Dad explained the log cabin he's helping build

Nikki and I went to Target and looked around at Christmas stuff

And it was a lot of fun...

Overall, just a really good weekend.

I had a lot of fun...

But I don't feel older.

REALLY Don't Know This Game

Meet girl.

Girl meets boy at party.

Boy gives girl number.

Girl is happy.

Look at happy Girl.

See Girl.

See Girl be happy.

Oh wait...

See Girl's last 2 weeks blow up in her face.

Boom.

I Don't Know How to Play This Game...

Okay, so a few posts ago, you may remember me mentioning a Halloween party

At said party, there was a boy... He will be known as "Boy" henceforth

Because I'm not going to mention names... It's easier that way...

At the party, he was very nice to me and very gentlemanly...

We talked throughout the night, and at one point he asked about school.

I told him a little about where I go, and that I stay on campus,

And he asked me, "Is your roommate hot too?"

Sheepishly replied I didn't have a roommate... Inside I was thinking, "too... that means I'm hot!"

Since the party, he's called and texted a handful of times...

We talked on the phone one night for 2 hours, then he hung up because he was tired.

He called back about fifteen minutes later because he couldn't sleep

And we talked for another hour before we went to bed.

Anyway, last night was Halloween duty... Which was a very long night

Though, not bad by traditional Halloween duty standards,

Especially because I live in a tower style building... I only had one write-up

So, Boy knew that I wasn't able to be on the phone. It just wasn't possible

But he called a couple times anyway... One time I was actually able to answer

And he told me that he just wanted to hear my voice... I smiled and said, "aww"

Then I had to hang up... He called back a minute later and said, "One more time."

I just think it's unbelievably sweet. He called later in the night, and I talked for a few minutes

And I said, "Goodnight, Boy" (only I used his name) when I hung up...

He called back and said with a smile in his voice, "Say, "Boy" one more time?" (again, not really "boy")

So I did, and I could tell he smiled again, and then said goodnight.

He says that I "get him" and that I'm too cool to be as old as I am...

That I pay attention more than people twice my age...

But I don't know if he means cool as in, "You're cool, dude"

Or "You're a really cool girl..." Because it's definitely different...

I don't know how to play this awkward "what are we?" kind of game

Because I don't know if we're friends, or what the heck is going on

And I'm not assuming anything... for now I just feel pretty good

At least I know someone thinks I'm halfway interesting...

Anyway, dear readers, I hope you all had a pleasant Halloween...

One more week til my 21st birthday! Ciao!

Trick or Treat!

So, tonight was Trick or Treat night for the hall, and for Hall Council.

Me being the awesome SRA/Hall Council Co-Advisor that I am,

I put on my costume and trudged downstairs for the event.

We had a pretty good turnout... About a dozen people.

Half of them were dressed for trick-or-treating

And the other half just wanted to pass out candy, so it worked out.

So we went through the building in our costumes,

Then headed back downstairs for the costume contest, which was good too.

We gave away iTunes cards for the winners, and a ton of candy.

It was just nice, because I hadn't trick-or-treated in ages...

It makes me excited for when I grow up and have kids of my own.

Plus, I actually feel good in my costume... I may not be a supermodel

But it's what I was wearing the other night, when I got the phone number from the mysterious boy.

And I'm not generally a girl that gets phone numbers...

I can admit that. I'm okay with that. My life works for me.

Either way, it was an awesome night.

Because my boss dressed up like a cowboy,

And then demonstrated the correct way to hog-tie a calf.

I played the part of the calf, with hilarious results.

Right now, I'm up studying

Then I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, again...

My goal is to stay up late tomorrow, and sleep through most of Saturday afternoon

That way, when it comes time for duty, I'm fresh as a daisy...

We'll see how this actually goes, though...

And just think, only nine days until my birthday!

Wonderful, Lovely Weekend

This weekend was absolutely fabulous. Hands down, the best weekend I've had, even with the worst parts of it.

I'm not going into too much detail, because a few people that actually know me do read this... Suffice to say, it was a good weekend for my self-esteem. RA In-Service and Celia's Halloween party were both lovely.

On another awesome note, my medication is making me feel better and better. I don't always feel like I have to nap now. I mean, I get tired, but it's not completely overwhelming. Also, I'm starting to lose weight. I eat less, and have more energy. I want to be active...

I just wanted to say that I'm in a terrific mood... I hope you are too.

New Favorite TV Show?

So, in the past two days, I've become ridiculously addicted to a new TV show... Glee.

For those of you who don't watch... it's a teen/ high school drama, but with a lot of singing and dancing... Which is how I like my drama...

Okay, so maybe my love the musical genre makes me biased... But the show is wonderful! I mean, a lot of terrible things are happening to these people. Though I don't necessarily think that that's how the world works, I like the fact that all the characters look out for each other...

It makes me hopeful for the good, helpful, caring people in the world. And I think it might help people who feel different have the courage to be okay with their differences...

Anyway, just wanted to share my opinion.

Not Poetry... Coincidentally, 3 Line Stanzas

It's painfully irritating to me,

That laying together in the darkness

You always know the exact right thing to do...

Like kissing the back of my bare shoulder

It's so intimate... Like we'd never be anything but close

The moment is perfect, in and of itself... And it feels safe

Or how in the car, when it gets quiet

And a good song comes on...

Sometimes it just feels right that your hand is touching mine...

That we can say things like, "I love you"

And, "I really do care about you."

And we know that we both mean it...

We both realized that even though we love each other

I don't think that we like each other...

And we found out a long time ago that love isn't enough... not for us, anyway.

Because I have ambitions, and so do you

They're just nowhere near the same page

I don't even think we're reading the same book

And we both have those habits

That neither one is ready to give up

And the other can't handle, and we know it.

I guess for now, it's nice to have someone there to say, "I love you."

At the same time, it's just hard to hear it,

And know that it isn't going to last.

Whiney Poetry...

My head's so full of jumbled thoughts

I'm scared to face the darkness

'Cause sleep's a fright I've had too many times

I'm happy that I'm by myself

I'm sad because I'm lonely

I need you but I'm scared to let you in

And everything I'm telling you

And all the things I'm doing

Are just me looking for my peace of mind

So please don't tell me anymore

I'm making bad decisions

For now, I'm glad I'm making them at all

And the Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs Song Was On...

Hooray! Tonight, a good time was had by all...

And by all, I mean Connie and myself.

Recipe for Awesomeness:

Mix together some Wooley Bully,

A little bit of Miley Cyrus (as much as we both don't want to like the song...)

Some 3 Doors Down,

Alien Ant Farm,

Jimmy Eat World,

And The Killers...

Season liberally with cookies,

Sugary candy,

And a pinch of sodapop,

And you get two not quite grown-up,

Sugar-crazed, caffeine-riddled,

Jumping, dancing, shimmy-ing,

Giggling, laughing, kicking,

Swaying, twisting, bouncing,

And most importantly, happy girls.

And you know what?

I had the best time IN THE WORLD!

Oh, Children...

Went to my Aunt's this evening for dinner

I took Halloween cards and candy to my little cousins

And in return, they made me drawings, cards and pictures.

They're quite the little artists.

My little cousin Gillian is six... Nathan is 8, and Anna is almost 3.

They are friends with the neighborhood kids,

A brother and sister, who, I think, are around 11 and 7 years old

My older cousin and their older brother Sean, was also there.

He's in his late 20's I believe, or maybe early 30's...

Either way, he's older than me by a handful.

He was outside playing soccer with the kids while I was inside

Drinking tea and watching Wheel of Fortune with my Aunt.

Sean came in, looked at me, and laughed.

Of course, I asked what was so funny,

To which he replied, "Gillian just announced you have chubby boobies."

And he laughed some more.

Gillian, Nathan, Anna, the neighbor boy, and the neighbor girl

ALL walk through the door

And proceed to stare at me.

I blushed twelve shades of pink and stared at the table

I couldn't look children in the eyes... It was a humbling moment.

Then the 11 year old complimented my purse

(It's large, pink, and covered with Charlie the Unicorn)

And they all left...

And I was left there to ponder where children learn such things...

Either way, I suppose she's right...

Anger at the Medical World

Rewind the clocks to the end of summer vacation.
Six weeks ago, I went to the doctor.
I was dizzy and tired all the time, along with an assortment of other issues.
Blood tests, among other things, were run.
(Which was interesting, because they couldn't find a vein... I'm Irish and pale... you can see my veins through my skin)
Anyway...
They were pretty sure it was my thyroid.

TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) levels (normally) are from 0.34-5.6
I was at a 5.68, which is what they call "borderline."
So, I had borderline hypothyroidism
They told me to come back in six weeks, so they could test me again.
And they told me to fast beforehand, so they could check my cholesterol too.

So, rewind the clock to last Friday.
I go in to have another set of blood tests done.
Once again, they can't find a vein
Either way, blood tests are done.

Yesterday, I get a call from the doctor's office.
"We need you to call in to schedule a follow up appointment,
To get your test results and discuss treatment."
...
Treatment for what?!!? They didn't tell me anything!
I freaked out all day and night... Ugh

And now we're rewinding to an hour ago.
The doctor gives me my test results...
My little "borderline" 5.68 has jumped...
To a 17.03
And now we've decided to put me on the medication.

But this isn't the worst part...
The stupid cholesterol check came back normal overall
But my triglycerides (levels of fat in the body) were high
Well, duh... I live on campus
All I eat is deep-fried crap... what else is there?

Which is the fun part... the doctor says I can't have a lot of saturated fats...
"Stay away from them."
And "avoid deep-fried foods."
She's damned me to starve to death on campus...

Sure, I could eat a salad or two... But man cannot live on salad alone...
I'm about the pickiest eater ever...
So I'm gonna be real miserable for awhile.
But I guess I can't be too upset if it means being healthy.

Unexpected Wisdom

So, being sick always messes with my sleeping patterns

As a result, I'm up at this ridiculous hour,

Watching The Simpsons on hulu...

What I actually wanted to share was a quote from the episode I was watching

Because it was really very cute, and it made me feel a little bit happy

Which is nice, because I'm having fewer and fewer of those moments, it seems...

Anyway, the episode ended on a sort of happy, yet hopeful note

And I want to share the lines from the end with you...

"Some time when you least expect it, you realize that someone loved you... And that means someone can love you again... And that'll make you smile."

And then, I really did smile. I hope you have too.

Forgot to Come Up With a Title...

Thanks to the anonymity of the internet, and the fact that I'm pretty sure no one reads this anyway, I feel fairly comfortable with the rant I'm about to go on...

I'm really angry with myself as a person right now. All my friends are, for the most part, at good places in their lives. I am so very, very happy for them. I've been praying and wishing and hoping that everything would work out for them.

And now, they're dating or engaged or married or otherwise entangled with a significant other. Which is fabulous... But then there's me... Alone, and feeling useless and so damn jealous that sometimes I can't even see straight.

These people talk all about how wonderful things are for them right now... And I'm glad. I'm so glad that they can talk to me, and they tell me the things that they won't tell other people. It makes me feel so great knowing that I'm a good friend to them. But it's so hard to hear all their good news when on the inside, I'm crying my eyes out.

I'm trying so hard to be the best friend I can... Listening to the good, the bad, the ugly, the downright insane... I don't, by any means, want them to quit telling me the things they are. It's just so hard to hear all these wonderful, lovey-dovey, "life is perfect" stories when I'm so screwed up I don't know how I'm going to make it through another week.

Here's the part where I really break down... I cannot... CANNOT handle everything that's going on right now. I bounce from one thing to the next, with no time in the middle for myself. I'm being pulled in fourteen different directions all the time, and I have to sit there and take it with a straight face. Inside, I'm pulling my hair out, screaming, crying and just praying for someone or something to take me away from it all...

And there's absolutely no way out of the situation. I have no way of fixing this... Nothing that I can do except "get in the swing of things." I DON'T LIKE the swing of things. I don't WANT to get used to it. I want to get AWAY from all of it. I want to scream and cry and fall down and throw a fit FOR REAL, not just in my head.

I want it to be okay for me to be screwed up. I want someone to say, "I understand," and help me fix the problem. Not just say, "I understand, it'll be okay once you get into the swing of things." I want to feel like it's okay to tell people that I'm in over my head... But I'm scared to do that.

Why My Job Makes Me Crazy

Let's rewind the clocks to midnight last night...

I watched a drunk girl roll around on the bathroom floor

Mumbling incoherently about some guy

"Call _____ he knows what he's doing..."

And as her friends try to get her to leave, she starts again...

"No... baby, baby, baby..."

I'd seen enough.

Finishing rounds, we found an unopened can of beer in the stairwell

We're not allowed to touch it

So we called security to have them dump it out.

Thank goodness I didn't do it

Because when the poor guy opened the can

It exploded all over him...

Move the clocks forward to 2:00 a.m.

Calling to let them know I'm going on rounds,

They ask me to come mop up a soda spill in the hallway

Because, "It's closer to you then us."

I assume "us" is security... And apparently security don't know distances

But whatever, mopped up the soda.

Returned everything to the slop closet...

Had this odd feeling that I was going to be back...

Went on rounds... things went well for awhile

No drunk girls in the bathroom...

No noise, no soda...

And there it was... VOMIT

Outside the bathroom door on the third floor

It was gross... There were onions in it.

Long story short, cleaned that up.

Scrubbed floor.

Returned biohazard bag to slop closet.

It's now after 3:00 in the morning

And I'm trying to go to sleep...

Dreaming of sleeping through the morning half of my shift...

Almost made it...

It's 1:20 p.m. and I'm laying in bed

And there's a knock at the door...

Two girls telling me that someone pooped in the hallway

Outside their room...

So, another long story short, I scrubbed that up

And scrubbed everything off the radiator

And cleaned up all the nasty paper towels...

So, this is why my job makes me crazy.

Love Songs; A Complaint and Praise

I am constantly amazed by how much song lyrics get to me.

And sometimes I wonder if it's just a bad day or not

But it seems like even the songs I don't identify with still upset me.

For instance, let's talk about Taylor Swift

(And in no way am I putting her down, I love her music)

It's not really applicable beyond high school

But the general emotions are something everyone's felt.

For instance, I've heard the song, "You Belong to Me"

Enough times to make me want to rip the radio out of my car...

Too much of a good thing can be a bad thing

But tonight, I saw the video for it, and it's making it's way back up

Into my list of favorite songs again.

Mostly because I feel like even though this isn't Senior prom,

I'm still that geeky little girl that's always desperately in love

And just can't say it.

Furthermore, tonight I was reading some stuff by Jay Brannan

(I suggest if you haven't listened to him, give him a try... http://jaybrannan.com/index2.html)

And he makes a lot of points about how even though

We may not BE the person in the song, we still relate to the feelings

And it's sent me on a tangent of emotional songs

Which, for better or worse, is kind of messing with my mind tonight...

No matter... I like it. It's nice to feel things and know

That you aren't the only person that's ever felt alone, or scared, or pushed aside.

So that's my tangent for tonight.

You should give Jay Brannan a listen... especially if you like Folk music.

Goodnight and pleasant dreams!

I Warn You; Stop Reading Now

Hooray for burnout!

I've reached the point where I can't do it anymore

Yet the year's just begun,

And there's so much more to do.

So even though I can't do it anymore, I can't stop

I won't stop really.

God, it's so frustrating that I'm screaming inside

And no matter how many people I tell

I still feel so empty and frazzled and downright lost.

I miss feeling happy, and having a life.

I've made school and work my life

And while I've made some great friends out of it

There's a lot that I've missed out on too

Now I feel like I can't say, "It's too much."

Because people expect me to be the one to always keep going

I expect me to keep going, because I don't know what else to do.

There is no other option but to keep doing it.

I just don't know how to say that I'm in over my head

And while my friends sing happy songs

And lead happy lives

I sit here dismally like some stupid, kicked around puppy

Trying to make someone, ANYONE notice me.

And notice that I'm not okay...

That I'm further from okay than anyone can really understand.

Regardless of these facts, I'm happy for them

All my friends... because they're happy

They're leading new lives

And meeting new people, and finding what makes them happy

And I love that! I'm ecstatic for them.

But I'm angry too...

I'm so, SO angry, and I don't know how to deal with that

Because all I ever wanted was to love my friends

To never be jealous of them, and listen to all their joys and woes

And I can't even stand it anymore... the good or the bad

I can't even handle my own shit...

And there's nothing I can do to make any of it better.

I used to be so afraid to let people know that something was wrong

I was scared they'd see I wasn't perfect

And now, when I'm trying so hard to let people see that I need them

They don't see it. Or if they do see, there's nothing they can do to help.

I was finally at a point where I was willing to open up.

I wanted to let people in, and I wanted to stop being so scared

And that whole chance got taken away from me

So this incident that started as being this huge deal...

This life-ruining, earth-shattering deal...

It's all just another stupid, ruined chance.

It's just the tip of the iceberg

For another stupid glacier of misery...

I just feel overwhelmed and completely on my own

And I need someone to sit down and say, "It'll be okay."

Even when we both know it won't be.

Because I know I'm in for a long, DIFFICULT year.

And nothing anyone can do or say is going to change that.

I just want to go to bed and cry and cry,

And wake up in the morning with this renewed sense of hope for the world.

Don't get me wrong; I always have hope for tomorrow.

It's almost as if that bright, shiny horizon seems a little brighter now

But right now, it's so dark I don't know what to do.

Hooray for Happy Dreams...

So last night, I had this dream...

I went back to my high school for some reason

And I ran into a boy that I went to school with

I'd forgotten that he was so much taller than me

(Though taller, not heavier than me)

But in my dream, I ran up to hug him,

Because I was so happy to see him again

As I threw my arms around his neck,

He wrapped one arm around my back

And lifted me up into the air, effortlessly

While he twirled me around, I just hugged him tighter

Wrapping my legs around his waist

Sort of koala bear style, but more like a little kid getting a piggyback ride.

And in my dream, it was just so good to see him again

And know that he was okay, and happy

When I woke up, I felt glad and light and lovely.

I hope that wherever he is and whatever he's doing

That he really is okay...

He was the kid in high school that I felt like I should protect

So it was great to have a dream in which he was strong

And independent and holding me up...

Symbolism, anyone? I like to think so...

Anyway, that was my dream last night

And now, I'm off to bed...

Hopefully for more good dreams.

Although, I watched a scary movie earlier

So I can't guarantee that...

Goodnight!

Warning: Whiney Blog

Dearest readers, if you don't like people complaining, I suggest you stop now. That being said, here I go.

Basically, I am not a talker... contrary to popular belief.

I talk about stupid, pointless things... I talk in class

But when it's something that really, REALLY matters to me

I often do not say anything at all.

I don't put myself out on a limb, because, let's face it,

Oftentimes, stuff like that just blows up in your face.

So I bottle things up, and I wait for "the right time" to say things

And usually (so I don't know why I'm surprized) it backfires.

Like this time. Like this ridiculous, completely avoidable time

Because I am too scared to open my mouth and say what I feel like

So now, I'm stuck here, writing this obnoxious, whiney post...

I could STILL say what I always planned on saying,

But it wouldn't help now... And I have no desire to make anyone feel awkward.

Somehow, in some way, I'm gonna have to say it...

But not today. Not now.

Dream; August 10, 2009

Okay, so I'd like to start with a disclaimer... I immediately wrote this down upon waking up, and when I looked back at it, it sounds like I wrote it in a trance... I preface this entry with the warning that I have BIZARRE dreams... This was one of the more odd ones.

So, not changed at all from the morning I wrote it (I was apparently very fond of semicolons that morning...) is the dream I had on August 10, 2009.

A young girl is running; looking for solitude

She locks herself in a dim restroom;

There is a tri-fold mirror/medicine cabinet above the sink.

As she looks into the mirror, I know she is not me, but I am seeing everything through her eyes.

The left mirror panel is open

Looking forward, she is reflected simultaneously on the left and center mirrors.

The reflection in the center mirror is sober faced.

She is emotionless, save for her eyes, which are tired; defeated.

The reflection in the left mirror cries.

She does not sob; there are merely silent tears running down her cheeks.

The girl looks down at her wrists

And finds black, dotted lines across them; cut lines, with small x's at the center.

I know horizontal cuts do not kill

But in my dream, this is irrelevant.

The cut lines, mimicking elementary school, seemingly children's lines

Are real; I know that this girl will certainly die.

As she looks at the lines, at the x's

The girl takes a blade

It is curved; looking like an Arabian scimitar in miniature

It fits easily in her right hand; feels natural

As she moves to cut her left wrist

The blade catches a beam of light; reflected off the mirror

She looks up into the mirror

And I, still looking through her eyes

See a face wet with tears

But determined, and above all, smiling.

So just as blade and flesh meet, I wake.

And though the dream in itself is upsetting

I am full of hope. I know I will always be okay.

It Just Feels... Now...

So, before I launch into a post about the dream I had a week or so ago,

I want to tell you about how lovely today was.

Bree's Mom and Nikki came out, so myself, Bree, A.J., Mom and Nikki had a cookout.

Which was nice and very low-key... Everyone got along.

After, I came back for my meeting with my bosses,

Which went swimmingly, in case you wondered... I feel awesome about this job.

And as a staff, we all went out to dinner. (Which for me, meant pudding, because I had just eaten)

Then, I went to order my glasses and contacts

Which, even though I didn't want to do it, was something that needed done.

I feel much better, too, knowing that I took care of it.

Bree, A.J. and I went shopping then... and we had a blast, as always.

I found a cute pair of pants, and a shirt... Plus I got oil for my car.

Connie is also back in Kent, which makes my life.

I went over to see her new, fabulous apartment... Which is very Connie

And I liked it a lot. We went on one of our standard Wal-Mart runs

Then to Sheetz, which is also something of a tradition.

Connie and I took our Sheetz deliciousness and headed for the apartment

At which point we sat cross-legged on the floor and devoured our food.

And it felt... right. It felt very now, by which I mean

It felt like at that moment, God and the universe intended nothing more

Than for Connie and I to be sitting there eating and chit-chatting.

Now, I am home, and after I post the bizarre dream I had, I am going to bed.

Back for Round 2

So, after quite a hiatus, I am back among the blogging.

My laptop died a violent death,

But now that I have this lovely new one,

I am here to irritate you all once again with all the drivel I have to say.

Expect a handful of posts here in the next week or so...

I jotted down a lot of things on paper

In preparation for when I got my computer back...

So there's a lot to say...

Some reflection, a dream, and just generally what I've been up to.

For now, I'm exhausted...

Just got done helping my new residents out

And still exhausted from the 12+ hours of check-ins yesterday

At this point, I shall bid you adieu

And take a nap.

Ta ta, and goodbye until later!

Catching Up

Okay... I'm back at the desk for another shift, 9:00 p.m. til midnight...

This leaves me with some time to catch you up

On where I've been and what I've done these past two weeks...

I was on vacation! I mean it! I left the campus for two whole weeks!

(That's the longest I've been gone since I took the RA job... in Fall 2007)

For the first 3 days and 2 nights, I went with Celia to Frankenmuth, Michigan.

We stayed in a nice hotel in Flint, about 15 minutes from Frankenmuth.

Since it was Celia, her son, her mother, Aunt and brother, Alex

We got a suite... And it was absolutely lovely!

The group of us did a lot of touristy things... For instance, Christmas World!

We went two separate days and did a good amount of shopping...

(I got a pickle, an Edelweiss flower, and a few other small things)

Christmas ornaments are always fun, especially when you're a total Christmas nut like me.

Other than that, we did a lot of walking in downtown Frankenmuth...

So it was basically: Bakery, bakery, fudge house, taffy pull, candy kitchen, repeat...

All the while I kept announcing, "Celia, it's vacation, the calories don't count!"

After the time in Michigan, I spent about a day and a half at home

I saw Bruno at the movies... Never before has a comedy made me so nervous...

Then I was off to Johnson's Island for 10 days...

It was nice, because it was family time... On the other hand... it was family time

All in all, well worth it.

I went boating and swimming, had a treasure hunt for the kids,

Went dancing and out for karaoke with my older cousins

We sang Piano Man by Billy Joel... which apparently they do every year

My Aunt Rory (who passed away when I was about 10) loved Billy Joel

So they do it for her every year... It was nice to be a part of it.

I took the kids for ice cream almost every night

And we took lots of trips to Wal-Mart, and the playground...

I even went antiquing once by myself, which was great...

A little alone time never hurt anyone...

At the end, my laptop power cord ended up getting broken
(My Uncle took my laptop without asking... sigh)

So, since it's already missing 2 keys, (the "3" and the "V")

I thought that it would be better to just wait a bit

And get a new laptop altogether...

So for now, I'm without a computer, and just blogging...

Through all of this, I lost about 4 pounds...

And I feel so much more relaxed, rejuvenated, and ready for anything

I am at the best possible place I could be in life...

I'm so ready for school to start, to see all my staff from last year and this year

And to have classes with Tabi and Jason... I'm pumped to have people I know in them.

For now, I'm working on door decs with Sarah P.

We had a lovely evening running errands...

And she dipped potato into more potato and declared it was delicious...

All is well with the world... I hope it's well in yours too!

In Gratitude

I don't have long to type, because it's already after midnight, and I have some reading that I have to get done before class tomorrow...

I just wanted to take a moment to say that I truly have the greatest friends in the world, and one day, I will pay them back a thousand times over, because they are truly wonderful, and they deserve it. I love them, and I hope with all my heart they know that.

I Never Thought I'd Say This...

I wish RA training would get here...

I miss everyone, and I want them back.

That's all I really had to say.

I Think This Poem is Finally Done...

They're all telling me to speak up,

Say anything, let you know I'm here

Let you know what I feel... What I've felt

But I can't make them understand

That I can't even see your car nearby

Without getting butterflies... feeling happy

I can't make them see how every little thing

You've ever said, or done, or made me feel

Is in a notebook in my head

And I go over it, line-by-line, moment-by-moment

While I stare at the ceiling in the dark

Telling myself that I've fashioned mountains out of molehills

And they're all telling me to

Cast off, dive in, test the waters

But no matter how much I despise the metaphors

(Especially because I know you think they’re overdone)

I can't help but think it's too late

Because I'm already drowning in your eyes

So that when the darkness closes and sleep finally comes

I get to dwell, for a few hours each night

In the imaginary world where you know everything

You know how I feel, what I've always felt

And you do the little things I dream about...

Holding my hand, or waking me up in the morning

And they're all telling me to tell you,

Because nothing ventured is nothing gained

And you can't win if you don't play the game

But I can't make them understand that for now

It's enough to make believe I already won

Because when I dream, you never say we won't be together

Mostly, they don't understand that everything they say

All the advice they're giving me

Is nothing I haven't already told myself

Because I've tried a million times to stop analyzing,

Cease this pointless scrutinizing and dissection of old memories

And make new ones...

Another Day, Another Dollar

It's 5:45 p.m. on a Monday, and I'm working yet another desk shift for Early Arrivals... Which tonight, is actually nice, because I could use the hours, and it'll give me a chance to tell you about this weekend!

So, even though I worked a lot, my 4th of July weekend was actually fairly nice. The day started out a little late, but I drove out to Uncle Ed's in Hiram. I got to see all my Aunts, Uncles and cousins... Gillian was really excited and stayed with me the whole time. We went kayaking, paddleboating, and swimming in the pond. It was good to see them, because I missed Thanksgiving and Easter because of work. Aunt Denise told me that Gillian asked her, "Doesn't Amanda like us anymore?" So I knew I had to go, even if it was only for a few hours.

Downside to all this: Sunburn. Lingering sunburn... It's Monday, and I still hurt.

Then, I got a call from Britt, telling me that Nikki was almost to Kent (I didn't know she was even coming) and that she needed the parking pass. That was in my car. In Hiram. So I drove home like a bat out of heck. Britt, A.J., Nikki and myself then had an awesome cookout... All the food was absolutely delicious. Plus, it was the twins' birthday... Moose and Beast got treats and toys and were just generally excited about everything (they're dogs, in case you didn't remember) Then, that night, we went to go see fireworks, and came back to make s'mores and light sparklers.

Downside to all this: I think I ate enough food for twelve people

Then, Sunday night was staff night. We (Jackie and her husband, Katie, Sarah, Tim, Dave and myself) all piled into Jackie's SUV. Katie, Sarah and I got to be trunky monkeys... Then we all piled out, backed the SUV into the spot, and set up lawn chairs. All of us took a football into the nearby field and played catch while waiting for the movie to start, and I caught some lightning bugs too and showed them to Katie. (I named them Horatio, Elizabeth, Ezekiel, and Sergio) We saw Ice Age 3 and Night at the Museum 2, which were both actually very good.

Downside to all this: James couldn't come, so we weren't a whole staff.

All in all, I had a pretty amazing weekend! I hope you did too!

Finally Taking Some Time...

I realize that I haven't updated in awhile... all you people out there in blog world are, I'm sure, chomping at the bit, waiting for the next update about my boring, mundane life... Well, chomp no more!

I'm stuck at the desk for just over an hour,

And my brain has officially melted past the point

That I can even concentrate on Rollercoaster Tycoon...

That's how I KNOW I need to go to bed...

Anyway, yesterday, Andrew and Jamie vistited from Toledo

So the three of us, and Dan went out for dinner

Which was lovely... it was good to see them all again

Plus, last weekend, Connie came up!

This is a whole story in itself... Connie got here Friday afternoon

We decided to drive to Ikea in Pittsburgh...

It was an absolute blast! We went to the mall too, which was a lot of fun

And we didn't even get lost on the way there!

I also learned that in Pennsylvania, they make you pay when you get ON the turnpike

Instead of when you get off... And I didn't like this.

In fact, I was so irritated, that as we pulled up to the booth

I exclaimed, "$3.75?!?! Pennsylvania can lick my balls..."

Connie thought it was hilarious... The toll booth operator wasn't quite so tickled...

And now that I'm typing this, I realize I sound fairly ignorant...

Ohwell... it makes for an entertaining story...

So, we did lots of browsing at Ikea, and only ended up with a few purchases...

Both of us got reusable shopping bags with the logo on them...

And Connie found a hot pink toilet brush and pizza cutter

(In case you were wondering, separate items... not a set)

And I found this really nifty silverware (plasticware) with matching bowls.

So what if they're made for small children... the colors are neat.

Then on Saturday, we went to Vermilion for the Fish festival.

Britt, A.J. and Nikki were there too...

And we had a lot of fun. Connie found a little rubber duck for her sister

And we ate lots of fair food (Connie had her first chocolate covered oreo!)

We all hung out at Nikki's for awhile and played Gamecube

Which Connie was hilariously terrible at...

And then came back to Kent.

At this point, Connie and I went to see Dani

Because she was in Kent moving stuff into her apartment

So we went to the housewarming/21st birthday party for Dani's friend, Katie

Where Connie and I warbled along merrily with the karaoke machine

Which was a blasty blast...

Sunday morning, we squeezed in one last activity before Connie left

And went to Chapel Hill mall... It was a good weekend for malls

We managed to find a couple really good sales... which is always awesome.

Then, Connie left me, and I stood in the parking lot and waved

Until she was out of sight... sadface...

But yes, that was my blasty blast of a weekend...

It's been nice to see so many friends... I'm really glad

Well, this ate up about ten minutes... I can't focus on this blog

I hope there wasn't something else I meant to say...

Goodbye for now!

I Think It's the Sleep Deprivation

I know you're all super-interested in the screwed up dreams I have... Well, here is yet another one... I think I need to develop a regular sleep schedule...

Okay, so it was a big group of people...

We were in the auditorium for my high school

Sort of... it was more ostentatious 

And there were a lot more pianos on stage

It was an odd assortment of people...

Jason and Dani were there from RA staff

A handful of people from theater class in high school...

I think Mandy, Zac and Gen, but maybe more

Then there was Jess, and his bandmate Cory

Senor Amstutz (because it wouldn't really be theater if he wasn't there)

Anyway, halfway up the aisle was a microfridge

Which was dripping Pepsi and orange juice

And, ever the RA that I am, I was cleaning it up

While everyone else was on stage

Then, Jason and Dani came running up the aisle 

Because Jason had a secret he needed to tell her

And he didn't want anyone else to hear

So the two of them climbed into the microfridge

(I'm still trying to figure out the logistics of that one)

And he told her that he had a new girlfriend.

Then they climbed out of the microfridge 

And sat down next to me while I was cleaning

I think that this was our last time in the auditorium or something

Senor was trying to get us to act or sing or something

He was very sad about it...

So Jason went bounding down the aisleway, and jumped on stage

Cory started playing guitar while Zac sang 

And then we all sang along as backup on stage

And Andrew from... actually I don't think I ever had class with him

He was Peter Pan in the theater class before mine...

Either way, I realized he looks incredibly similar to Nate,

Who was in my Swing Dancing class this year

Anyway... Andrew ran in, jumped onstage and went to the piano

And immediately started playing something that sounded very similar

To "Hurricane" by Something Corporate...

Either way, I remember this odd assortment people were up on stage

Warbling away at the random song (which I cannot, for the life of me, remember)

And that Senor was sitting in the front row

With this beamingly proud look in his face,

Clapping for us and crying...

The end.  Ta da... I need to be sedated, I think.

So Now I'm a Movie Critic...

Okay, so myself and some girls from work just got done watching a movie... "He's Just Not That Into You."  Which was, surprizingly cute.  (You may have noticed I've discarded my normal format for poetry-type entries... I'm feeling very rambly at the moment, and must capture as much of it as I can...)  It was also, however, incredibly sappy.  Normally, the idea of syrupy-sweet love stories kind of angers me, because that's never how love actually happens in real life.... 

But this time, in this movie, I was really glad to see how it ended... Instead of repulsing me, it gave me an iota of hope... Because this movie (which I realize is just that... a movie... not real) has me thinking that maybe a 20-year old girl that's never been on a "real" date actually has a place in this day and age.  

I know that it's asinine to base my life off of films, books, or television.  I also know that these mediums wouldn't portray the storylines they do unless there was a modicum of truth to them.  True, it may only be in a miniscule percent of real life, but I want very badly to believe that some kind of overwhelming, great, shout-it-from-the-mountaintops love is in my near future...

I also want to believe that sometimes, it's okay to overanalyze everything that a person does, because there might be a shred of reality to it... And even if there isn't, I know the things that will make me happy when I see them in other people.  

This post isn't written out of disappointment, or soul-searching or awkwardness. (well, maybe a little awkwardness, but if there was none, it wouldn't be mine)  I just kind of feel... Okay.  And not okay in a bad way, just okay.  If that makes any sense at all... For now, I'm content to sit here and blog... And who knows what tomorrow might bring?

Underpaid and Overtired...

Though not usually a huge proponent of energy drinks, 

(They make my kidneys angry at me)

Here I sit, Monster Khaos in hand, 

In an attempt to make it through the desk shift that's just begun

It's 8:26 a.m., currently, and I worked midnight to 4 a.m. also.

So after a nap of a few hours, I'm back...

Aaron needed a shift switched, and I don't know how to say no

For now, I'm watching Red Dawn and attempting to focus 

On anything really... but I'm somewhat dizzy at the moment...

As soon as noon rolls around, I'm going back to sleep until around 4:00

At which point, I'll have to get up and get ready

So I can go help Dan move into his new apartment.

Ta ta... I'll come up with a more interesting post later.

Working the Desk

It's Wednesday night, and I find myself at the desk.

It's 7:45, which means I have just over 4 hours left.

I just finished the most recent book I've been reading...

It's called, Stay With Me and I chose it because of the cover...

There was a daisy on it, with petals falling off...

I actually pick up a lot of books based on the cover...

Which I know, is not always the best way, but it works for me

I actually really liked it a lot, which was nice,

Because when I first started reading it, I didn't think I would.

There were just a lot of little things that made me hesitant

And it ended up being a lovely story

About a girl trying to figure things out...

It gave me an odd sense of peacefulness at the end...

Anyway, if you're looking for something to read, you might try it.

It was interesting and somewhat different from a lot of what I've read.

Back to work... 

My Day (Not a Fun or Interesting Post)

Only slept 4 hours... 

Got up at 8, 

Had class 9-12, 

Went straight to training, 

Got done at 6, 

Typed notes for Student Accesibility Services, 

Did my homework for class, 

Worked on RCRs for almost 2 hours... 

Only halfway done

I'm exhausted... 

I'm gonna skip reading the chapter for tomorrow, 

And sleep... 

Tomorrow...

Class 9-12 again, 

Then a meeting 12-1, 

Training from 1-6:30, 

And then more notes, 

Homework, RCRs... 

And then doing bulletin boards....

Strange Dream... Let Me Tell You About It...

So, I took a rather long nap... longer than I intended

I fell asleep around 2, and didn't get up till 6

I had a weird dream... very strange

My dreams are getting progressively stranger...

Of everything I dreamed, one of the strangest was the last

I had a dream that I was a French girl, living in Paris 

It was an older time period, and I know that

Because I was wearing one of the giant, hoopskirted dresses

And giant pantaloon things underneath...

Plus, these really pretty, jewel enncrusted ballet-type slippers

Which I guess technically are a modern shoe, 

But in my dream, they fit right in...

Wow, giant digression... but it matters, I suppose

Anyway...

My mother (who was not my actual, real life mother...

I've never seen this woman before)

Okay, another digression... Usually, I dream about real people

But lately, it's been a lot of people I've never met before

Either way... 

Basically, I was getting into a carriage, 

I overhead my mother talking to another woman

She apparently decided that I was supposed to go to America

So, I flipped out... I yelled, "America?!"

And this boy, I think he was the other woman's son...

Appeared and said, "This is how you told her?"

And then I was yelling, "You knew?!?!"

I jumped out of the carriage

I was running up the hill, trying to rip off my jacket

And the boy was running after me... he was in love with me

And I was laying on the ground, ripping off my shoes

Trying to take off my jacket, which was stuck on one arm

He very softly was telling me "I think you ought to keep that..."

It was cold... but I was sobbing, saying, 

"I don't want it, I don't want it..." Flailing my arm...

Finally the jacket came off, and then he saw my shoes were off too

And made a comment, very quiet, and really insightful

That I wanted the shoes off because they were French

And he talked about "ballet" being French

So then I was crying and cradling the shoe...

All of a sudden, it was like watching a movie

And it wasn't me anymore, it was Gaby Hoffman

(she's in Now and Then, and a few other movies)

The boy was the guy from Wedding Crashers

(the one that paints the picture... Todd)

So then, she finally sat up, and was crying

He said something to her, but I don't remember what

But then a voice-over said, "And so she married Anguille"

And then they kissed, and I woke up.

Perfectly Lovely Day

So, today was just about the best day ever

Honestly and seriously, the best day I've had in a while

I slept in, then showered and went to Dan's office

Picked up the random extra filing cabinet

(Which my record player fits nicely on)

And then came back to my room...

Britt and A.J. called, 

Wanting to know if I wanted to go to the beach

They found this really nice park

That's not too far from Kent at all...

So we all went swimming...

A.J. brought his Scrabble towel,

Which comes with little foam, waterproof letters

So the three of us played Scrabble,

Right there on the beach!

It was amazing on so many levels

Because it felt very real and spontaneous

And made me feel different and special...

I'm insane, I know...

Afterwards, we stopped at Dairy Queen

And had ice cream on the way home.

I took a quick shower, then went to dinner 

Aaron cooked!  My favorite!  

And we chatted and had a leisurely dinner

It was nice to just sit and talk

And then I went back to my room

To do laundry and some more unpacking...

Then I went upstairs and watched TV with Katie C.

Jon and Kate Plus 8 had their season premier...

It was exciting... We shared our opinions

On everyone and everything about the show

Whilst it was playing... which made it HILARIOUS

And even though I'm thoroughly frustrated

Because this stupid internet isn't working

(I had to type this out in notepad originally)

It was a really nice night.

Class starts tomorrow... wish me luck!

Summer "Vacation"

Well, I finished classes a week ago.  

Which would have been Friday, the 15th.

And I'm almost done with my week of vacation

Sunday, I move into my new room

And then, since Monday is Memorial Day

I start my summer classes

And training for summer staff...

On Tuesday.  And that's it... that's my vacation.

I was home for the first few days...

I got to see Celia, spend a little time with Mom and Dad

And even hung out with Donny and some of his friends.

Now, I'm staying at Britt and Aud's for the second night.

I'll be here until Sunday, when (presumably)

They help me move into my new room...

I'm actually really excited for the new building.

The room is really big, and I'll have space for stuff...

Maybe I'll actually be able to use my record player...

Well, on a regular basis.  I always use it.  It's my baby.

On a side note... I miss my staff... All of them

I mean, I knew I'd miss some of them

But it's surprising how odd I feel to not have 

All the staff dinners and staff meetings...

Sigh...

For now, I'm gonna go get ready for bed...

Hopefully I'll think of something interesting before too long

And you'll get a decent blog post...

End of Another Year

Well ladies and gentlemen, 

Here I am at the end of yet another academic year.  

I am completely amazed at how surreal this all feels to me.  

I'm a senior in college now... I can't believe it

Yesterday, mostly everyone left.

I only have a few residents here

And also, most of the RAs are gone...

I had to say goodbye to Connie this morning

Which was incredibly difficult to do...

Anyway, I have more to say,

But I don't have the time to say it...

Much packing must be completed before tomorrow.

Goodnight and good luck...

Still Night

Okay, so I wrote this one Wednesday night, and it's not nearly as whiney and depressing as it sounds... I was actually in a very peaceful, quiet mood... Either way, here it is...

I watch the leaves rustle, as I rustle with them;

The wind lifting my hair…

Now, I think, I am truly alone, though I hear voices behind me.

My fingers tremble unwillingly.

 

It is dry now, but the water still glistens on the grass.

My stomach is full of the butterflies which are no longer outside,

For they ought to be sleeping.

The chill gusts raise goose bumps against bare flesh,

Reminding me I am real.

 

The moonlight kisses my cheeks softly… A fairy caress.

My eyes blink slowly, deliberately as I watch the lights in the distance

And I am empty, and alone… and it is quiet, and peaceful

But out there, in the moonlight, I know in my heart that something waits for me

And I won't always be alone...

What Connie Said

Tonight, my friend Connie and I were watching a movie...

It was Love Actually, which was, in case you wondered

Very very good...

And I thought it would make me sad, but it didn't...

Because even though the guy in the movie that reminded me of me

Kind of got a raw deal, I got the feeling

That he was going to be okay either way...

But I digress... what I really wanted to touch on

Was something that Connie said,

And it made me actually stop and think for a second.

At one point, I got agitated, looked at her, and said,

"Why isn't he running after her?!?! Why won't anyone run after anyone?"

And Connie just very simply said, 

"Nobody runs after anyone in real life, Amanda."

She's right.

My Meadow, My Sanctuary

There is a field of daisies 

And we are lying on a bed of clover

Off in the distance is a hill 

Covered with the fluff of dandelions.

Each floating seed carrying on its back

My wish that this is an infinite moment

That your arms will always be around me

And I am always warm in their embrace

One arm is under me, your hand on my shoulder

While I am turned into you, pressed to your side 

We are both smiling as you kiss my forehead

Your eyes sparkle in the sunshine

We share secrets with one another

And you sing to me, softly

Willing me to sing along

The harmony gentle as we lay, supine

I can hear the wind whisper, then start to shout

As dark clouds roll in, and the sky turns an angry gray

And worry crosses your face

Your eyes cloud and darken with the sky

The meadow shakes with the first loud thunderclap

A thunderclap that is one and the same

With the one that shakes my room

Waking me from my dream of you

So now, not only am I alone,

But the storm makes me wish terribly 

That there was someone more to hold me

Than the stuffed rabbit I now clutch, terrified…

The mattress, soft beneath me

Would be a welcome comfort any other night

But is as concrete on a night

When only moments before I laid in the comfort of your arms

The lightning illuminates my room

A poor mockery of the sun I thought I felt only moments ago

And the blankets now pulled up to my chin

A pitiable substitute for your arms

And worst of all, what I imagined as the gentle dandelion seeds

Bearing my wishes to eternity

Is the rain falling on my face

Through the open window above me

Dear night, kind darkness

Envelope me in delicious quiet

Hold me in your dim caress

Please let me stay for days to come.

Dearest sleep, gentle slumber

Take me back to the meadow, the flowers, the gentle wind

Take me back to nights gone by in his arms

Pray, let me rest my head on the clover

May 5, 2009-- 3:29 a.m.