Recipe for Success

Actually, it's more a cure for insomnia at this point, and a very tasty cure at that.

Start with fruit punch (I use the generic Crystal Light that Wal-Mart sells) and add Peach Schnapps (I have Colonial Club).

Anywhere from about 1 1/2 to 3 shots usually does it, and still comes out tasting great. I would NOT (as Jon tried) mix the schnapps and punch half and half, as it's a bit overpowering.

At any rate, it tastes lovely and has made this project much more bearable.

How to Make Someone Hate Their Job

So, the amazing thing is, it's taken four months to make me absolutely hate the job I've wanted for the last three years. And I mean hate. I do not want to be here, live here, learn here, nothing. I want to be far, far away from this place and everyone here, where they can't get me.

God, the worst thing is, I can't even talk about it. It's all confidential, except for all the people talking about it amongst themselves. I get torn apart and I'm supposed to smile and say, "Okay, this is how I'll fix it." Do you know what it feels like to be told that every aspect of who you are and how you act is wrong? And then I'm not supposed to take that personally?

I understand now my mistake in staying here, and my even bigger mistake in thinking that things could be different here. I shouldn't go to bed crying at night because I don't want to get up and deal with tomorrow.

How am I supposed to be a different person without being someone I'm not? Because then they'll just call me fake. I can change everything about myself, and they're still going to find something wrong.

Update for the Weekend

Very shortly I will be headed to Youngstown, and then Jon and I are leaving from there for Pittsburgh. We'll be having Thanksgiving dinner at his sister's house on Thursday (which is scary for me... I really want them all to love me, not just like me) then going Black Friday shopping, and then headed to my Uncle Ralph's for Thanksgiving again on Saturday.

Dear readers, as you are not acquainted with my family, you do not understand the unique challenge this poses. My family is bat-shit crazy. Bottom line, that's what we're dealing with this weekend. If ever there was something to make him turn and run away, this is it. Period.

So, wish me luck! I'm off to a fun-family-filled holiday weekend! Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

Just a Quick Update

For those of you who didn't know, November 8 was my 22nd birthday.

So now I'm 22... yay!

Jon made sure I had a wonderful birthday, and last weekend was wonderful too.

I went to Pittsburgh to meet his family and friends.

We've both been sick this week, which sucks, but we've seen a lot of each other.

We literally spent the better part of the whole week together.

I miss him now, though. I've gotten really used to having him around.

We're going to his family's and mine for Thanksgiving, which I'm really excited for.

Yes... that's about it, even though a lot more has happened.

Ta ta for now!

I Post Less When I'm Happy

Connie and I had a phone conversation the other day, and she pointed out that anyone that reads her blog would probably assume she's bat shit crazy. We realized it's because basically, neither of us posts on our blogs unless we're upset about something. So, this post is in an effort to post about something that's happy.

I had a lovely weekend. I stayed with Jon in Youngstown, and we did all sorts of things. We went to dinner and a movie the first night, as well as looked around at a couple different malls and a handful of bookstores. We also went to a couple Halloween stores so I could try costumes on, and it was a lot of fun. Sunday was a nice, lazy day. We got up and loafed around, went to a Chinese restaurant for lunch, and then went back to his place and played Yahtzee while we watched Glee. It was just a very laid back, relaxing time.

Then Monday hit. It has actually been a pretty crappy week. A lot of work stuff that I can't really talk about, and then I had to make an emergency dentist visit yesterday morning. I spent most of the day on painkillers, which was kind of nice, because Jon came over to take care of me. He really made sure I was okay. There was a level of genuine concern that I'm just not used to. He brought me things and kept an eye on me while I was crawling around the apartment. He was afraid to leave me alone for very long, and probably for good reason, because I kept falling over. This wasn't a big issue until I tried to take a shower... I couldn't really stand very long, and ended up sitting on the floor of the shower. He respectfully stayed out, but kept talking to me through the door so he could make sure I was okay. It was actually very sweet.

He was also really patient with me, because I'm pretty sure I asked him for chocolate milk at least a dozen times, even though there was none in the apartment. I also got upset when I was out of iced tea, and kept sucking air through the straw and pouting. I remember watching a particularly sad moment of Glee where Jon was tearing up, and I looked at him and said, "This is sad, isn't it?" And when he said yes, I said "I think I'm supposed to be upset right now. I'm sad I'm not upset right now." Then I fell off the couch.

So right now, Jon is in Pittsburgh, because his sister just had a baby. As in tonight, just had the baby. It's so great to see how genuinely excited he is about being an uncle. There are so many wonderful things about Jon, and I can't wait to see where this relationship is going.

Such a Busy, Busy Fall

Okay, well... in the last three weeks, there is an insane amount to catch you up on. I really don't even know where to start...

Work has been okay. Difficult and draining, and a little discouraging at times, but full of a lot of good things too. Transitioning to the ARHD role has been very hard for me, and I've had to break ties with a lot of people because of it. It makes me sad that that's the way things have to be. I've also realized even further how convoluted the politics of this place are, and how carefully you have to tread.

On a much happier note, for those of you that read my last post, I found a lot more than a friend in Jon. From the first night, both of us could tell there was something between us. We were instantly comfortable with each other on a level I've never felt before. That following weekend, we went on a date (my first real date) to the Tall Ships Festival in Erie, PA. We had a lot of fun. Couldn't get on the ships because of the lines, but got to go in the museum and to the beach. We also went to a play the next day, which was nifty because he'd done a lot of the set design for it. This past weekend (not yesterday, but last weekend) we went camping at Ohiopyle in PA. Before all was said and done, we decided we were officially a couple, and ever since, we've both just been generally happier people. This weekend, Celia and Jon came and stayed for the weekend. It was really great to see Celia again, and awesome that Jon was actually willing and excited to meet my friends. (Jess never was.)

So all in all, I am doing wonderfully. I am tremendously excited for what's ahead. For now, I've got to go and get some work done!

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

With a title like that, I might as well just go in order, shall I? Starting with good:

Bree and I are talking again, with the mutual (hopefully) understanding that she fucked up

And that she understands why I was upset.

I went to a party with Bree and her friend John the other night,

And for those that know me, parties are drastically out of my comfort zone

But it'd been a bad day already, as you'll read below, so I figured it couldn't hurt.

I didn't drink at the party, because I really didn't want to.

By the time it was over, I was exhausted, but John and I still had to get Bree to bed.

So after we made her a grilled cheese, got her to drink some water and take Tylenol,

Then we got to go to sleep too. There was a lot of chit chat and whispered conversation

And I found out that he understands a lot of things I didn't expect him to.

It was nice to finally get to see Bree again, and I think I may have met a new friend in John.

Part two: the bad.

For those of you who didn't already know, Mr. Mercer passed away on Tuesday.

I spent most of last week driving back and forth between Kent and Vermilion.

But I managed to be there for the tail end of calling hours, the funeral, and to help out a little.

It was sort of a surreal experience, because Dad had picked all his own music and attire...

Basically he had everything ready for when he finally passed.

So sitting in chairs during calling hours, suddenly, "In Heaven, There is No Beer" starts playing

And you couldn't help but smile, because it was so very him.

I did mostly fine, just a few tears, until the last hymn in the church...

"Go in Peace" starts out with the line, "There will be no more darkness."

And from that point on, I was sobbing. I was sad, but I was also so wonderfully, blessedly, overjoyed that he doesn't hurt anymore.

Final part: the ugly

Last night was my first official night on duty as an ARHD.

I was on once before, but it was before students moved in, so there were no shenanigans.

Last night, I dealt with parties, police, ambulances, drunks, bad attitudes, forgetful residents, dead door locks, alarm clocks... Ugh.

I ran from building to building from 10:45 until 2:00 a.m. without stopping.

Every time we'd be wrapping a situation up, I'd get called to the next one.

But, I feel like I got a good amount of exercise from it, and a lot of experience.

So that's my last seven days in a nutshell.

Weather permitting, I'm going to Geauga Lake tomorrow...

Wow, Wow, WOW!

You cannot possibly understand how I can be so completely exhausted and ecstatic at the same time...

The last three days I have worked have been anywhere from 12 to 14 hour days... The days before that weren't a whole lot shorter.

But my staff has accomplished so much! It's been so wonderful working with them all, and watching them all work so hard. It's been so different and great to see them looking to me as the supervisor, and while it's something I'm still new at, I love it! I love that they know they can come to me for answers.

Long story short, I feel like I'm about to fall over. My knees and back hurt, and I'm exhausted beyond all comprehension, but I feel so wonderfully, gloriously accomplished.

On another note, I went back to the doctor's yesterday. (Traffic was terrible, but I'm not going into that) While he did decide that my prescription dosages were too low, they also said I don't have to come back for four months! FOUR! Not until December when they do another ultrasound. I am THRILLED!

For now, it's time for bed!

Finally Speaking Up

You are about to see a Facebook conversation that I had with Bree. I finally got angry enough to speak up and talk about something that's been bothering me for quite some time. You know what? I feel a lot better for having spoken up.

Bree

hey moo

Me

Hi

Bree

how you doin?

i saw you at gabes the other day, was gonna say hi but you left

Me

I didn't see you.

Yeah, I was just browsing. I had a lot of stuff to get done that day

Bree

oic

hows work going?

Me

Really busy and challenging, but okay

You?

Bree

good. porthouse ended yesterday. spent all day running errands and figuring out bills

how's your apartment looking? we need to see each others new places.

Me

So everyone left?

Bree

yeah, everyone except the ones who go to school here

Me

I figured that's why you started talking to me again

Bree

umm. okay then

Me

It's what you do every time you make new friends, Bree. You throw the rest of us backwards until you want us around again. It's what you did to Nikki and I when you met AJ

I just can't believe you did it again after you knew how much it hurt the last time you did it

So now that they're gone, you started talking to me again. Just like when the novelty wore off with AJ.

Bree

last time i checked you didn't try to talk to me either. it goes both ways. you spent all your time with aj

Me

Because you told me to. If you don't remember, you asked me to be around for him. Also, considering the situation, I like to think he might have needed me a little more than you did. And because I'm tired of being the one that makes the effort.

Bree

he wasn't totally innocent tho. you didn't have to do anything i said

Me

I didn't say he was innocent, and I'm done arguing with you. I have work to do. I'll talk to you later, Bree

In My Apartment

I'm sorry it's taken so long to write again... A lot has been going on here, and it's made writing really difficult. Bree cheated on Austin (A.J.) and wants him out of the apartment, so now he has to move back to Kentucky. I'm driving him home on Saturday. Until that time, he basically spends every moment with me. It's hard for him to be at the apartment with her, or alone. As a result, I don't really get a hole lot of alone time.

On the upside, I've also been super busy because of the move. I've moved everything into my apartment. For the most part, everything has a place too. There are still a few little miscellaneous bags and containers around, but on the whole, mostly unpacked. This place feels giant to me... I have a bedroom (with a full bed... no more twin!) and a bathroom, a kitchen and dining room, and then a living room, and what I assume is supposed to be a second bedroom. However, I don't have a second bed and have since turned this room into my "home office." My real office is just down the hall.

The biggest hang up of the place has been the kitchen. I don't have a kitchen trash can yet, or a dish drying rack. Currently, I have a trash bag taped around a door knob and when I do dishes, I just lay out a towel and hope for the best. The stove is also a smaller stove... the surface area on top is fine if you're cooking alone, but trying to make breakfast for three people is a tricky situation. There isn't enough space to have more than one pan going at once.

For now, I put together a simple pie this afternoon, and once Austin and Connie get here this evening, I'm cooking dinner for us all. (Pasta and breadsticks, but at least I'm trying) Then tomorrow, Austin has an appointment with the tattoo parlor to get his neck tattoo covered up. (he got Bree's name on his neck, which I said was a poor choice to begin with)

For now, dear readers, I shall let you all go. Have a lovely day!

Twenty-Five Random Things

Found this on Facebook, and they're all still true. I thought I'd re-post this here!

1. I love to know things about people… Everything that they’re willing to tell me, especially the seemingly trivial details. My favorite thing to ask people is, “What’s something about yourself that no one ever asks about, but you’re dying to tell people?” I am consistently amazed by the things people will share.

2. I am an only child. For a long time, I hated it, but then I realized that I would never put another person through my childhood… the middle years, at least.

3. I desperately want to be a soccer mom when I grow up. I want to have fresh cookies and milk out for my kids, and I want to ask them about their day while helping them with homework. Then I will permanently attach a video camera to my hand and go to all their games, recitals, plays, etc.

4. I own way too many books. One of my dreams would be to have a “Beauty and the Beast” style library in my home… walls and walls of books…

5. I wanted to be a journalist once, and then I realized I hate being told what, where, when and how to write. I was happier being the boss.

6. I’ve been told that I have a different voice when I’m sucking up to people. While I don’t doubt the truth in this statement, I’m amazed that it took me 20 years to find out.

7. It annoys me that I’m younger than all my friends sometimes, but I also enjoy it very much, because instead of feeling like I’m becoming an old woman, I’m always saying, “Yes! I caught up to everyone!”

8. I thank God every day for the friends that I’ve made and the people that I’ve been blessed enough to have in my life. I have so many families all over the place that have taken me in as their own.

9. I am constantly amazed by the goodness in people, and I wish that others would be too. I have been so inspired by the good things, both attributed and anonymous, that have encouraged me to pay it forward. I want to spend every day of my life doing that.

10. Sometimes, I feel like I’m a million years old. I often don’t realize it until I phrase a sentence or use a word in a particular way. Some days that’s just the way it is for me…

11. Going against the above point, I can be a complete and total little kid. Happy, fluffy snowflakes set me off. I will fling myself down to make a snow angel, and then think about the fact that I’m not wearing a coat… or proper shoes.

12. I have always wanted to be musically inclined, but I am not in the least bit. I took a piano course, tried to learn guitar, even wanted to sing… All were abysmal failures, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to be great at it.

13. I love to dance. I will take any dance course at school that I can get my hands on. When I watch other people dance, I think it’s beautiful and special, and even when I’m doing it wrong, it makes me feel graceful and elegant, and like I’m a part of something bigger.

14. If I could have my dream job, I would be an actress on Broadway. I’d like to dance and sing and act, and take people away from their own lives and problems for a few hours every day. But mostly I want to dance and act…

15. One of the most touching things I ever heard about myself was from a boy in high school. We were doing a candle ceremony in class and were required to say one nice thing about each person in class. On my turn, someone said, “Amanda Borgio… if she doesn’t know the answer, she’ll find it for you. She’s the most helpful person I know.”

16. This question I’m stealing from Inside the Actor’s studio, but if Heaven exists, when the pearly gates open, I’d like God to say, “You made a difference.”

17. I have five tattoos and I want more. The story behind each tattoo is special to me, and I don’t care what people think about them. They’re mine and no one can take them away from me.

18. I am the pickiest eater that I know. Top on my list of things that I hate are condiments, spaghetti sauce, ground meat, and mashed potatoes. I hate it when food touches other food, and I am weird about messy foods… There are exceptions to every rule…

19. I get incredibly upset when I feel like I’m not needed. I hate feeling disposable, and I very much enjoy knowing that I’m needed.

20. I believe in God, because I have to believe that things happen for a reason. I can’t deal with the fact that so many terrible things happen for no reason. I know someone that doesn’t believe in God for the same reasons I need to…

21. I take more bubble baths than any normal human should. I will sit in the tub for hours and read a book, because it’s comforting and comfortable. I especially like the bubble gum smelling bubbles, even though it makes me feel like I’m about 12…

22. I pretend to be really embarrassed when my friends act foolish in the store, and I am, but at the same time, I love it, because it makes me feel real, and I know that I’m really here, right now. I know that sounds insane, but I think this is slowly saving my life.

23. Ostensibly, I have always been the person with all the answers, but I don’t think anyone really understands just how hard it is for me to say “I don’t know.” Just so you know, I have very few of the answers I really need… but who does, I suppose…

24. I am not perfect. I am not now, nor have I ever been happy with several aspects of myself, and I’d change them without hesitation if I could, but I am not ashamed of who I am today.

25. Contrary to what everyone else writes in these, I didn’t have a problem coming up with 25 things about myself. This list was incredibly easy… I guess I have a lot to say… This leads me to number 25… I think that I talk too much, and I worry that this annoys people quite a bit… I hope that people learn to tell me to just be quiet.

Being Productive for Once

All in all, even with a nap, today was a fairly productive day for me. I got up this morning and showered before work. Usually I just wash my face and brush my teeth, then shower after work, because the shift runs from 6:30 a.m. until 9:30 a.m. But anyway, I showered and then went to work for what was our busiest day yet. We did check-ins for over 200 people, and it all went really well. Everyone held it together and we didn't have any major hang-ups or snafus.

After my shift ended, I went out and treated myself to "lunch" (It was barely 10 a.m. but I'd been up for four hours, so I call it lunch) at Panera Bread. It was nice to do something special. After, I ran to Kohls because I had a gift card. I found a really cute dress ($55 marked down to $11) that was actually really comfortable, and got it for next year. Then, I went and got my hair cut and my eyebrows waxed, something else I hadn't done in awhile. My hair is finally really growing out, which means it also gets super-fluffy, and it was really needing to be thinned out.

This brought me to noon, which meant going back to work for the hour model room shift. This is where I stand around and answer any and all questions that parents throw at me. I actually really enjoy doing this, and I got to work with Dan during it, which is always fun. Mostly because sometimes he makes up answers and I'm the only one that notices... It was funny to see how parents, mostly fathers, would pass right by me to ask him a question...

So, after my incredibly productive morning, I went back to my room and took a much needed nap. It was going on 2:00 before I fell asleep, but I dragged myself out of bed again around 5:45, took another shower, and ran out to pick up a few things and get dinner before my last shift for today. Now I'm working the desk from 8:00 til midnight, then sleeping and getting up tomorrow for my last day of DKS!

On another note, Jess received my message, and he definitely looked at it. I know this because Myspace tells you when a message has been read. This could also mean that he just glanced at it, but I'm okay with that. Basically this means he either refused to listen to what I needed to say, or he read it and has no argument against what I've said. Either way, this is what I wanted and needed. So, after a lovely day, tomorrow promises to be oh so bright and shiny.

This Might Have Been Mean, But I Sent it Anyway

Jess,

There are a few things I will never understand about what you did, and part of me doesn’t even want to know, but I know that unless I tell you all this, I’ll just go crazy. And normally I’d be more tactful about all of this, but I really can’t care about hurting your feelings during this, or I won’t be able to say what needs to be said.

I have been incredibly grown up throughout this whole process. Even while you were breaking up with me, I was sobbing but telling you it was okay, and to do what you needed to. And you didn’t even cry. You hardly acted like it was difficult for you. And I’m angry at you for that. I never, ever thought that I could be as angry with you as I am right now. I always loved you too much to have this kind of anger, and I’m even more upset that the things you’ve done are making it so I can’t love you anymore. Though I guess I should thank you for that, at least…

I thought that we were really doing well. I know we were still having fights, but we were really talking about things for the first time in a long time. I honestly thought that this was the beginning of something really great, and that we were making this relationship finally work. But I was wrong apparently. I don’t know how, after six years, you didn’t think that I would want more out of our relationship, and that I wouldn’t want to move on. I can’t understand why you didn’t want that.

I also don’t understand what happened all of a sudden to make you change your mind. Something makes me believe you did something you didn’t want to admit to, or that one of your friends put you up to it, because, let’s face it, you’re pretty indecisive. Not knowing what suddenly brought all this shit on bothers me more than a lot of it. I even told you before that I felt like you were pushing me away. Did you just sit there and lie to me about how you felt? Fuck you for that, because at least I’ve always been honest about how I felt.

Do you know how shitty it felt to have you say that you wanted to drink more and smoke more weed? You chose drugs and alcohol over a relationship, which is not only like a shitty after-school special, but makes me feel just a little bit worthless. I never thought anything would make me stop loving you, but I also never thought you’d say something so low.

Next of all, I can’t figure out why you de-friended me on Facebook. I have no idea what prompted that. I could see if I was obsessively commenting on your profile or something like that, but I hardly even looked at it. I noticed that I’d stopped seeing your updates in my newsfeed, and wondered if you were okay… I thought maybe you’d just lost your phone or something. I actually finally found out because your information was still saved on my computer, and I accidentally logged into your profile. I exited it right away, because I respect your privacy, but once I exited it, I just got pissed off.

Seriously? We’ve been friends for six years, Jess. We were together even when we weren’t officially together. I thought that even if you didn’t love me anymore, the sheer fact that we were friends for six years would keep you from being so insanely immature. Because you know what? That basically made me feel like you didn’t give a shit about the six years we spent together.

I understand that you don’t want to grow up. You bitch about Quaker Steak all the time, but really, that’s all you’ve ever wanted. Someone tells you to dance, and you do it. Everyone claps and gushes about how freaking cool you are. If that’s all you want, fine, but you could have been a lot more tactful about how the last seven months went down, because you made me believe we’d honestly have a life together.

Even worse, I asked you to be tactful about how you talked about things with people in the restaurant, because it’s most of Vermilion working there, and that’s my home too. I still have friends that work there, and it’s hard to hear about waitresses saying, “Well they’re just better off that way.” Fuck you and whoever else is trying to tell me how I should feel about anything, because it’s not your life, and you don’t know. We obviously had different expectations for this relationship and our lives.

With all of that out of the way, I’d like to tell you to have a very happy life indeed. It’s obvious now that we were not meant for each other, and as hard as that is to say, at least I can see that now. As much as I loved you before, I can see now how little that really meant, and it’s helping me to move on. Have fun with your restaurant, your drugs and drinking binges. Please be careful. Some of your friends really do care about you, even though you think they’re trying to change you, or you get pissed when they tell you that you’ve got a smoker’s cough. They’re just concerned and they want you to be healthy, which you apparently, and not surprisingly, don’t give a shit about.

So, even though you probably didn’t even read this far into my fucking message, if you did, thank you for reading. Regardless, sending it has given me the closure I needed.

-Amanda

My Bucket List

It seems like everyone I know is making these gosh darn bucket lists lately… This is something I’m not good at, because I’m pretty scared of a lot of things. Plus, I’m too impulsive to know now what I really want five, ten, twenty, whatever years down the road. But, in the spirit of boredom, I’m attempting to come up with a few things I’d really like to do before I die. I'm sure there will be more to come later.

-Visit another country. Any other country, just leave America.

-Start a teacup collection. My aunt had one in a really nice glass cabinet that I always liked…

-Have a gorgeous wedding ceremony and an even more perfect marriage to someone I love.

-Be a truly involved and loving parent. We’re talking PTA Mom of the year style.

-Write a book. It might not even be a good book, but I at least want to finish one story that I’ve started.

-Plant a garden and eat what comes out of it. Maybe I’ll even learn how to can things. That’d be nifty.

-Learn more dances! Become really great at waltzing.

-Legitimately go camping. Not in some dinky little park… Somewhere without other people where I have to hike all day, then stop, wake up in the morning and hike home.

-Ride the spinning teacups at Disney World. Preferably whilst wearing a mouse ear hat with my name on it.

-Learn to play piano well

-Go horseback riding somewhere pretty.

-Go ice skating outside somewhere, instead of an indoor rink.

-Grow my hair out long enough that I can donate it to Locks of Love.

-Rescue an animal from a pet shelter and give him/her a loving forever home.

-Visit a psychic.

-Go back to Christmas World in Michigan and actually buy things that I want to buy… Use this as my one chance to splurge on completely unnecessary items and get lovely gifts for everyone.

-Learn how to golf. Not even well, just learn how to do it.

-Go to Mardi Gras in New Orleans.

-Milk a cow while sitting on one of the little wooden stools like you always see in the movies. It would be even cooler if the cow’s name was “Bessie.”

-Have a library in my house.

-Get all dressed up and go see The Nutcracker.

-Get kissed under the mistletoe.

-Go on a real date.

Written from Home

There is an ice cream place back home where we all went as little kids. In the back of it, near the picnic tables, was a hill that went up to the road. The coolest possible thing to do back then was climb the hill to eat your ice cream, and run back down at the end. Parents didn’t come up there, and it just wasn’t cool to sit at the picnic tables with them.

I went to get ice cream for the first time this year, and when I drove past the hill, it was all overgrown. There was no place to sit anymore, and no kids running. I’m sure a much better writer than I am could come up with some kind of deliciously beautiful symbolism here, but the fact of the matter is, I had to grow up as much as nature did.

Besides, I would have looked pretty silly sitting up there on that hill at my age, wouldn’t I?

What a Douche!

So here I am, thinking Jess deleted his Facebook...

Because all of a sudden, he has no updates

He's not tagged in any pictures,

Anything like that... And I was worried about him.

Apparently, his facebook information was still entered on my computer

Because I went to log into mine, and just clicked "log in" not thinking

Suddenly, I'm looking at the newsfeed thinking, "Kayla G____?"

"Who the Hell is Kayla G____?"

Well, thanks to the wonderful notion of cookies, Jess's facebook login and password were saved

And I unknowingly logged into his facebook.

I logged out right away, because that's rude to intrude on someone's shit,

But the fact remains, that he blocked me!

Why would he block me? Or did he de-friend me?

Either way... I've made no effort to contact him

Or any of his friends,

I don't even look at his page that often...

But he blocked/de-friended me!

I am overwhelmed with the douchy-ness of this...

It really shouldn't upset me,

But it just really pisses me off...

New Developments

So, just a few things to write about. I'm currently at the desk, working a shift from 8:00 a.m. until noon. Someone else is supposed to be here with me, but they didn't show up, so it's just me. Whatever, if something gets screwed up, it's not my fault...

Last night being fourth of July, Bree, A.J. and I drove around searching for fireworks. I ended up driving erratically for about 20 miles, chasing explosions. We finally found a little development, where they were apparently having a community party. (we weren't the only crashers, so I didn't feel too bad) We pulled up on the side of the street, got out and sat on the car to watch the fireworks. We only parked in time to see the finale, but we saw a lot while driving too. After fireworks, we went back to their place, and made Flag cookies, played with sparklers and poppers, and made s'mores around a bonfire. It was a nice way to spend the holiday.

Bree and A.J. have done a really great job of keeping me busy this last week. It's been really hard not talking to Jess, because it was almost habitual. Something funny would happen, I'd text Jess and tell him. We'd be doing something fun, I'd take a picture and send it to Jess. The worst is whenever I look at the clock and see 11:11, because he was always telling me to wish. Lately I'd been wishing he'd propose soon, so it's like a little pang each time I see the clock. I wonder if he misses me too... At this point, I'm pretty angry with him in general. I know we wouldn't get back together, but it'd be nice to know that the last six years meant a little more to him.

On a happier note, I've been doing a "Biggest Loser" type competition with my coworkers. Today was the first weigh-in after our start date a week ago. Though I could have done better, I lost 2.4 lbs, and I'm pretty happy with that! I'm hoping once I get into my apartment and can cook real food for myself, I'll be doing much better and eating healthier. Either way, it's a start.

So that's that... the updates in my life. Have a pleasant day, dear readers!

Written June 26, 1:56 a.m.

I was stuck at my friend's without a computer, so I wrote this out the old fashioned way... Here it is, for your reading (dis)pleasure.

This is the part where the cool exterior starts to break down... Because when I lay down to sleep I text him to tell him goodnight, and I love him.

But I'm not supposed to do that now. I sent my final messages, "I just wanted to let you know this is probably the last time you'll hear from me for awhile. I'm gonna take some time to figure out how to be okay with this. Goodnight, and I really do hope you're okay with this." And I leave unspoken the, "I love yous," and the "please don't go, I'm not ready for it to be overs."

His reply? "Goodnight. All the best of luck. I hope you can be happy." The first time he's ever texted with proper capitalization and punctuation. I don't feel anything unspoken here: he is formal and cold.

The whole time, I told him it was okay. I want him to be okay, but I wish he would have cried while he did it... I cried when I broke up with him, but both times, I did it with the knowledge that I'd see him, hold him, kiss him, and love him (still) again. This time is final: he doesn't want me.

Stupid things bother me. I liked the way his toothbrush looked standing next to mine. I liked keeping his soap in my shower for when he visited. I kept clean socks in my drawer for him.

He is six years of my past, and what I expected to be the rest of my future. He was supposed to be my family. For the first time in my life, I was seriously thinking of marriage. I was so sure.

Though part of me doubted, I was determined to make it work. And even if we did break up, I did not expect it to be so soon. I honestly, deep down, didn't think he would leave me.

I'm terrified to be alone, but even more afraid to have to find someone new. I've never actually been on a real date... Jess and I were always just together. It felt odd, and still right, to have just written his name. It made me realize I'd been avoiding writing it.

On one hand, I'm ready to be done crying. On the other, I want to keep crying: ten oceans of tears to drown my stupid, melodramatic feelings and sentences.

Worst of all? I feel like he chose drugs and alcohol over me. I thought I was more important to him than that. Six years, my first real boyfriend, and so many other firsts are supposed to just disappear? How do you stop looking to the person who's always supposed to be there?

I Saw it Coming

So it started out on facebook... Him talking and saying that we wanted polar opposites out of life...

And I told him, "If you're going to do what I think you're going to do, could you at least call me to do it?"

The phone rang, and that was it.

I was right. He was pushing me away.

Why I'm So Crazy Right Now

Dumb boy issues happened

Because Jess is a moron and somehow thought it'd be smart to talk to Celia, who I've known since 1st grade...

He does not understand girls apparently

And she told me about it

I guess she talked to him today and he said he was upset because I yelled at him and hurt his self esteem...

And I can't figure out what he means, because we haven't fought since last week...

Okay, so... I got upset because after he came back from Tennessee, he wasn't really talking to me...

And it was when I was waiting to hear about my biopsy,

So I texted him, and mentioned that I was upset I hadn't heard from him

Because I was scared and I needed to talk, and he said, "Well, I didn't know you were scared,"

And I told him it's because he didn't bother to ask

And so I said that I thought it was insane that we were having a fight about communication, and he didn't bother to even call to have the fight

And he said, "The phone works two ways,"

At which point I flipped shit, told him "Fuck you," and pointed out that I'd called and he didn't answer,

And that I always texted to ask if it was a good time to call, but he was always out with his friends

So then he called, but he was out at the bar, and I couldn't hear him anyway (which was part of my point)

So I got mad and hung up, he found a quiet corner and called back

And I started bawling about how I feel like he's trying to push me away,

And that if he doesn't want to be with me, he should just say something instead of ignoring me

And he said I shouldn't think that way,

Which started me in on another conversation about how I feel that way because he doesn't act like he's excited to be with me anymore

Ever...

And here I digress, and this may be too much information for some of you...

Jess used to be super-excited about sex...

And he acted like he thought I was attractive,

And he still says he thinks I am, but I don't feel like I am.

So he just kind of does the same, methodical thing every time...

He doesn't try to steal kisses in public anymore, or stuff like that...

We're in our twenties and dating... sex shouldn't be like that! Romance shouldn't be dead yet!

We went to Kalahari, and I tried to make everything special...

Got bubble bath and candles, even bought some sexy stockings and stuff...

And nothing... he acted like I was wearing a potato sack or something.

But I digress...

So I was upset and told him if he was happier without me, then he should go, because I'd like for him to be happy.

And after that, we hadn't really fought.

We talked. We both started calling each other more

I honestly do feel like he's pushing me away, though...

Or that he's upset about something he's not telling me about

I really feel like if he moves, he's going to resent me for it, and feel like I made him do it...

Like, he tries to sound excited about it, but he talks about how his friends think it's a good financial decision, and how it's a smart move for him

But he never really talks about moving to be with me

And I don't want him to move and then we end up fighting and trying to stay together just because we're living together...

Part of it too was something he said awhile ago...

I was talking about how Bree and AJ fight, and how she just bottles stupid little stuff up and explodes,

And I told him, "Promise me we'll never be THAT couple?"

And he goes, "Oh no, Babe, we'll never be that couple, because you bottle shit up and then just leave."

He said it like a joke, so I just laughed about it,

But it hurt and felt like he was calling me out on it

So it's like he's still mad at me for breaking up with him before

Which would have been when I was 17 the first time, and 19 the second time...

The big part of us trying again was that we both agreed we grew up

But it's like he's still holding on to that

So I don't know what to do...

I don't know if he should move in with me, or not

Because quite honestly, I don't know what he wants anymore...

A friend mentioned that maybe he's just scared,

Because we seem to be getting more serious...

We've been dating since I was fifteen, what did he expect?

So confused...