Written June 26, 1:56 a.m.

I was stuck at my friend's without a computer, so I wrote this out the old fashioned way... Here it is, for your reading (dis)pleasure.

This is the part where the cool exterior starts to break down... Because when I lay down to sleep I text him to tell him goodnight, and I love him.

But I'm not supposed to do that now. I sent my final messages, "I just wanted to let you know this is probably the last time you'll hear from me for awhile. I'm gonna take some time to figure out how to be okay with this. Goodnight, and I really do hope you're okay with this." And I leave unspoken the, "I love yous," and the "please don't go, I'm not ready for it to be overs."

His reply? "Goodnight. All the best of luck. I hope you can be happy." The first time he's ever texted with proper capitalization and punctuation. I don't feel anything unspoken here: he is formal and cold.

The whole time, I told him it was okay. I want him to be okay, but I wish he would have cried while he did it... I cried when I broke up with him, but both times, I did it with the knowledge that I'd see him, hold him, kiss him, and love him (still) again. This time is final: he doesn't want me.

Stupid things bother me. I liked the way his toothbrush looked standing next to mine. I liked keeping his soap in my shower for when he visited. I kept clean socks in my drawer for him.

He is six years of my past, and what I expected to be the rest of my future. He was supposed to be my family. For the first time in my life, I was seriously thinking of marriage. I was so sure.

Though part of me doubted, I was determined to make it work. And even if we did break up, I did not expect it to be so soon. I honestly, deep down, didn't think he would leave me.

I'm terrified to be alone, but even more afraid to have to find someone new. I've never actually been on a real date... Jess and I were always just together. It felt odd, and still right, to have just written his name. It made me realize I'd been avoiding writing it.

On one hand, I'm ready to be done crying. On the other, I want to keep crying: ten oceans of tears to drown my stupid, melodramatic feelings and sentences.

Worst of all? I feel like he chose drugs and alcohol over me. I thought I was more important to him than that. Six years, my first real boyfriend, and so many other firsts are supposed to just disappear? How do you stop looking to the person who's always supposed to be there?

I Saw it Coming

So it started out on facebook... Him talking and saying that we wanted polar opposites out of life...

And I told him, "If you're going to do what I think you're going to do, could you at least call me to do it?"

The phone rang, and that was it.

I was right. He was pushing me away.

Why I'm So Crazy Right Now

Dumb boy issues happened

Because Jess is a moron and somehow thought it'd be smart to talk to Celia, who I've known since 1st grade...

He does not understand girls apparently

And she told me about it

I guess she talked to him today and he said he was upset because I yelled at him and hurt his self esteem...

And I can't figure out what he means, because we haven't fought since last week...

Okay, so... I got upset because after he came back from Tennessee, he wasn't really talking to me...

And it was when I was waiting to hear about my biopsy,

So I texted him, and mentioned that I was upset I hadn't heard from him

Because I was scared and I needed to talk, and he said, "Well, I didn't know you were scared,"

And I told him it's because he didn't bother to ask

And so I said that I thought it was insane that we were having a fight about communication, and he didn't bother to even call to have the fight

And he said, "The phone works two ways,"

At which point I flipped shit, told him "Fuck you," and pointed out that I'd called and he didn't answer,

And that I always texted to ask if it was a good time to call, but he was always out with his friends

So then he called, but he was out at the bar, and I couldn't hear him anyway (which was part of my point)

So I got mad and hung up, he found a quiet corner and called back

And I started bawling about how I feel like he's trying to push me away,

And that if he doesn't want to be with me, he should just say something instead of ignoring me

And he said I shouldn't think that way,

Which started me in on another conversation about how I feel that way because he doesn't act like he's excited to be with me anymore

Ever...

And here I digress, and this may be too much information for some of you...

Jess used to be super-excited about sex...

And he acted like he thought I was attractive,

And he still says he thinks I am, but I don't feel like I am.

So he just kind of does the same, methodical thing every time...

He doesn't try to steal kisses in public anymore, or stuff like that...

We're in our twenties and dating... sex shouldn't be like that! Romance shouldn't be dead yet!

We went to Kalahari, and I tried to make everything special...

Got bubble bath and candles, even bought some sexy stockings and stuff...

And nothing... he acted like I was wearing a potato sack or something.

But I digress...

So I was upset and told him if he was happier without me, then he should go, because I'd like for him to be happy.

And after that, we hadn't really fought.

We talked. We both started calling each other more

I honestly do feel like he's pushing me away, though...

Or that he's upset about something he's not telling me about

I really feel like if he moves, he's going to resent me for it, and feel like I made him do it...

Like, he tries to sound excited about it, but he talks about how his friends think it's a good financial decision, and how it's a smart move for him

But he never really talks about moving to be with me

And I don't want him to move and then we end up fighting and trying to stay together just because we're living together...

Part of it too was something he said awhile ago...

I was talking about how Bree and AJ fight, and how she just bottles stupid little stuff up and explodes,

And I told him, "Promise me we'll never be THAT couple?"

And he goes, "Oh no, Babe, we'll never be that couple, because you bottle shit up and then just leave."

He said it like a joke, so I just laughed about it,

But it hurt and felt like he was calling me out on it

So it's like he's still mad at me for breaking up with him before

Which would have been when I was 17 the first time, and 19 the second time...

The big part of us trying again was that we both agreed we grew up

But it's like he's still holding on to that

So I don't know what to do...

I don't know if he should move in with me, or not

Because quite honestly, I don't know what he wants anymore...

A friend mentioned that maybe he's just scared,

Because we seem to be getting more serious...

We've been dating since I was fifteen, what did he expect?

So confused...

Happy Things

Okay, so I just have to get a couple not-so-happy fact out of the way.

Sunday morning, I ended up in the hospital, AGAIN, for kidney stones.

Luckily, it wasn't horrendous, and I drove myself,

But I was pretty drugged up for the next few days, and missed work Monday.

Also, today my car battery died.

I went to Wal-Mart to get fruit,

And then Beth came and rescued me

When I came out and realized I was stranded.

Okay, on to the happy things...

It's a positive to-do list of sorts...

Today I went running, for the first time in a long time,

And it was really nice... Not totally pleasant, but it felt good.

So this is my goal: I want to start more healthy habits.

I want to try and do things that make me a better person

And that make me feel better about myself.

This included having healthy snacks (I had celery and peanut butter, and an apple)

Even if I eat not-so-healthy food (pizza) at other times.

Most importantly, it means taking a few minutes each day to realize that nobody loves their body all the time.

Everyone has fat days, or bloated days, or days where their face breaks out.

Everyone is going to have to buy clothes in sizes they don't necessarily like at some time in their lives.

But what's important is knowing that if you really want to, you can work to change it.

And even if the scale tells you something you don't want to see,

It's really just a number... What's important is to really be healthy

And to do what you can to try and be comfortable with yourself.

So starting today, I want to run, or walk, or crawl, or whatever I have to do, but do it more.

I want to try and do sit-ups at night, and if I don't do the exact number I want...

If I want to do 100, but I have to stop at 75 or 50,

I know that I'm trying, and that I'll get there.

And one day, I'm going to find a way to be happy in my body.

Updates on the Updates!

So, not long after I posted my last blog, the doctor's office called me. They said that there is no malignancy! So basically, this nodule is just sittin' around in my thyroid, hanging out.

Fine with me! Go right ahead and hang out!

Now, I just have to go back at the end of July, and they'll ultrasound again to make sure it's not going crazy or anything, but I'm fine for now!

Thyroid Biopsy: Update

Three days later, this is what I have for you:

I didn't cry. I did panic a little bit, but the doctor was good at keeping me from totally flipping out. It hurt, and my throat still hurts.

It basically felt like he put a syringe in my neck and then plunged it up and down a bunch of times. Then he repeated that with the other three syringes.

I have a Vitamin D deficiency. I have to go get this prescription that's for something like more than twice the normal dosage for people. Awesome, more pills... ugh.

The doctor said I should get the results in the mail by next week.

Terrified for Tomorrow

Okay, so after a fair bit of research into the world of thyroid conditions and nodules, I have come up with the following statistics:

95% of thyroid nodules are benign

5% are cancerous

These seem like good odds, but I'm confused because a lot of what I've read seems to be telling me that it's most likely that you get nodules when you're hyperthyroid, and I'm not. I'm hypothyroid.

So I don't know what this means. What I do know is that I've also read extensively on what tomorrow's procedure is going to entail. I'm fairly certain they're doing what's called an FNA, or Fine Needle Aspiration procedure. A thin needle gets stuck in my neck and they suck out some of the tissue for study.

What makes me nervous is the next part (Courtesy of WebMD):

"You will be awake during the biopsy... During the test, you will lie on your back with a pillow under your shoulders, your head tipped backward, and your neck extended. This position pushes the thyroid gland forward, making it easier to do the biopsy. It is important to lie very still during the biopsy. Do not cough or swallow when the needle is in place. A needle biopsy takes about 5 to 10 minutes.

Before the biopsy, you may be given a medicine (sedative) to help you relax. Your doctor cleans the skin over your thyroid gland with a special soap.

Your doctor may use an ultrasound to guide the placement of the needle. He or she will put a thin needle into your thyroid gland and take out a small amount of thyroid tissue and fluid. The tissue is looked at under a microscope.

A small bandage is placed over the area where the needle was inserted."

Worst parts of the above section: I will be awake. I cannot cough, move or swallow. If they think for an instant that I'm going to be able to sit totally still while they stick a needle into my neck to look for cancer, they are grossly mistaken.

Connie, because she is awesome, and wonderful in words that I cannot even describe, has volunteered to go with me tomorrow. She's one of the only people I've really admitted that I'm afraid to. Mostly, I've just been smiling and saying it's all going to be just fine, and acting like I'm really inconvenienced by the whole thing.

The truth? I’m absolutely terrified out of my mind. To the point that most of the last two days, whenever I think about it, I just want to cry and scream and beat my fists against the wall until I wear myself out and fall asleep. I’m so scared that it’s going to hurt, and even more afraid that I will be in that 5%. And people just keep telling me that I need to be positive and not think that way. The fact of the matter is, until I know for sure, my mind is going to go to the worst place it can.

I don’t want to cry at the doctor’s tomorrow. I don’t want to throw a fit like a child in front of Connie, who has already seen me at the hospital for kidney stones, in so much pain I was throwing up, because that’s horrendously embarrassing. I was so glad when she just asked me if I wanted her to go, because I wanted to ask her to come with me so badly. I’m so scared to do this.

I don’t want to be so nervous that they say I have to wait. I’ve had to wait three weeks already, and I’m tired of thinking the worst. I just want to know what’s wrong. I just feel like I ought to be grown-up enough to handle it, and all this makes me feel like I haven’t grown up at all.

Nothing Much to Say

A whole handful of things happened, but it takes ages to write it all. Graduation was lovely, I took a week or so off, and then went back to Kent, back to work. Went home for my graduation party, which was lovely. Fought with my idiot friends, read some more books, etc. etc.

There's the last month in a nutshell.