Irritated...

So I found out that now we have to dress up for our awards ceremony...

This makes me angry.

Because I don't have the appropriate clothes.

I've been told, "Just buy a black dress..."

Because apparently everyone needs one of those

And as much as I'd like to do that,

I just don't have the money.

Also, I don't really like dressing up.

I mean, I do... I like the way I feel

It makes me feel very put-together and grown-up

But I have never once gotten the reaction I wanted when I dressed up.

I've always wanted that movie moment, where the other person just pauses to look

And says, "Wow, you look beautiful."

Never had that. Scared I never will

And each time I dress up, I get that reminder.

Warning: Long Post with Offensive Language

So, at the risk of sounding terribly nerdy, I've chosen to preface this blog with a line from LOTR... Because I like it and I said so. I chose, "How do you go on when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back?"

I brought up moving in to Jess again. I feel like it's stupid for us to live apart, especially when we finally have a (Free) chance to make this work. I get a free apartment next year, with all utilities covered, and he's allowed to come live with me. But I'm fairly certain he isn't going to. For instance, excerpt from our conversation the other night:

ME-- Such as I've given you time to think about moving in, and I want to know where you're at

JESS-- ...

ME-- That's all you had?

JESS-- babe i want to ok, its jsut that there is a WHOLE LOT im going to be moving away from, so if you can PLEASE be understanding, and when i know what i need to do i'll tell you. because there is a ton of pressure on me already. and its not like i dont want to, its just that people do rely on me here.

ME-- I'm trying to be understanding, but I don't think you understand where I'm coming from

It only degenerates from here... I claim that I'm not important enough from him, and he assumes I don't need him here. I'm just so irritated with the fact that he isn't willing to grow up... He doesn't want to leave his friends (because an hour is such a long time away) and I flipped out about that... Case in point:

JESS-- i just dont see why i need t ohave my mind made up right now

ME-- I don't want you to have it made up, but it'd be nice if it looked like you put any kind of thought into it at all... Because in case you didn't realize, this is a big commitment and life change for me too, not just you

JESS-- i have been putting thought into it, i think about it alot and im just trying to create a scenario where i move down there and still maintain my friends here

ME-- Then stay there, if that's what you want, but after a statement like that, don't ever tell me again that you feel like I make my friends more important than you.

I was pissed... screaming at the laptop like he could hear me. He makes me feel bad for being here, and putting this job first... I finally find a way to put him first and he's too much of a baby to do it?

And then I offered this jewel of wisdom: "How would you stay connected? Stay at grandmas or here or at your dads where you aren't paying rent, work and pay off the college, get your license. Viola... now you can go wherever the fuck you want." (In case you didn't realize, I'm still super-pissed here)

And then it concludes with:

JESS-- just dont think i am not thinking about it ok?

ME-- I wish now that you'd have just said you weren't, to be honest

JESS-- that i wasnt thinking about it or i wasnt moving

ME-- You weren't thinking about it. Because now I know where I stand, and it's in a pretty shitty position

JESS-- i have been thinking about it ever since you said it could happen

ME-- And I'm still stuck against your friends.

JESS-- its not even just my friends, i have a job. possibly, and i dont know how easily id be able to get a job there

ME-- Every argument you've given me tonight about you "thinking about it" says that you aren't coming. So if that's the case, tell me. If not, I'm done talking about this for now, because I'm really pissed about it. If you don't want to do it, fine, but don't lie and say you want to and then give me fourteen reasons against it

JESS-- thats not the case babe, you really need to calm down about this.

ME-- Read your own fucking messages, Jess. You're contradicting yourself.

Granted, there's overreaction on my part... But while we were on "vacation" this weekend, I ended the matter by saying, "This is the last thing I'm going to say about it... The space is there if you want it." And he told me that, "It's not that I don't want to move in."

And it's not... It's that he doesn't want to leave either. And I don't think he's going to. Which brings me back to the beginning, "How do you go on when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back?"

I don't feel guilty anymore. If I only see him once a month, that's no longer my job's or my fault. If I don't get to talk to him every day, that's no longer my fault. Because I put myself out there. I tried to take this relationship to the next level, to let us be adults together instead of just kids... This relationship has not really progressed since I was 15 years old... And that bothers me. There's no going back... We don't get to just be kids again. We both need to grow up, and he isn't doing that.

We've been back together five months as of today... And we're going around in the same circles we always have been... So how do we go on? Any advice? Because I could sure use some...

Nice Enough Day

Today I woke up early and went to Goodwill in Akron to do community service. They gave us a tour of the place, and it was very big, and very nice. We sorted clothes for awhile, and then headed home. Scariest part: we took a taxi, and there was definitely an empty Miller Lite can under the seat of the van...

Got home, picked up Bree and drove her to work. Then, A.J. and I went to Red Lobster, which is absolutely our most favorite place to eat in the WORLD. We're both completely gluttonous, neither of us stopping until we've devoured everything on our plates... It's a "go big or go home" thing... Ultimate Feasts... Yum.

Then, we still had some time before Bree was done at work, so we decided to take Moose and Beast for a walk. There's a very nice trail around here, so we headed over to that. We got to chit-chat and just generally relax. We walked for about an hour, and got back just in time to pick Bree up from work.

Headed home, and played some Scattergories... I won, Bree came in second, with 54-45-43. We had a lot of fun, because when we know there's no hope, we'll try and use something ridiculous... For instance, Bree tried to use "shotgun" as a toy that starts with "S". A.J. and I argued that one, though I'm pretty sure he generally would consider a shotgun a toy...

After that, we had a little fire, and I fell asleep on the floor in front of the fire place. Beast lay down with me and it was a cozy moment. Plus, the parrot didn't bite me, which is always a plus. I was confused, because it was dark when I woke up, but nonetheless, we still had fun.

Went on a Wal-Mart run, where we looked for Banana Cream Pie... Found one, but it took two hours to thaw, and we didn't want to wait that long, so we settled for some clearance Easter candy. Then, we ran to Burger King and McDonalds (because we all wanted different stuff) and came home to watch Hoarders.

Now, I'm working on fliers for the program we're having Wednesday. It's going to be a late night, because I still have a lot of homework left to do. Regardless, it was a really nice, chill kind of day. Also, I've been devouring books lately, which I think has put me in a better mood... I'm even reading some stuff I've never read before. (I'm generally a creature of habit)

Hope you had a good day too!

All Over...

Spring Break is over...

Back to school

Back to work

Back to life...

I miss my friends and family and Jess...

Dismal outlook on the world this evening...

I hope our professors ease us back in.

Ugh...

Goodnight.