I brought up moving in to Jess again. I feel like it's stupid for us to live apart, especially when we finally have a (Free) chance to make this work. I get a free apartment next year, with all utilities covered, and he's allowed to come live with me. But I'm fairly certain he isn't going to. For instance, excerpt from our conversation the other night:
ME-- Such as I've given you time to think about moving in, and I want to know where you're at
JESS-- ...
ME-- That's all you had?
JESS-- babe i want to ok, its jsut that there is a WHOLE LOT im going to be moving away from, so if you can PLEASE be understanding, and when i know what i need to do i'll tell you. because there is a ton of pressure on me already. and its not like i dont want to, its just that people do rely on me here.
ME-- I'm trying to be understanding, but I don't think you understand where I'm coming from
It only degenerates from here... I claim that I'm not important enough from him, and he assumes I don't need him here. I'm just so irritated with the fact that he isn't willing to grow up... He doesn't want to leave his friends (because an hour is such a long time away) and I flipped out about that... Case in point:
JESS-- i just dont see why i need t ohave my mind made up right now
ME-- I don't want you to have it made up, but it'd be nice if it looked like you put any kind of thought into it at all... Because in case you didn't realize, this is a big commitment and life change for me too, not just you
JESS-- i have been putting thought into it, i think about it alot and im just trying to create a scenario where i move down there and still maintain my friends here
ME-- Then stay there, if that's what you want, but after a statement like that, don't ever tell me again that you feel like I make my friends more important than you.
I was pissed... screaming at the laptop like he could hear me. He makes me feel bad for being here, and putting this job first... I finally find a way to put him first and he's too much of a baby to do it?
And then I offered this jewel of wisdom: "How would you stay connected? Stay at grandmas or here or at your dads where you aren't paying rent, work and pay off the college, get your license. Viola... now you can go wherever the fuck you want." (In case you didn't realize, I'm still super-pissed here)
And then it concludes with:
JESS-- just dont think i am not thinking about it ok?
ME-- I wish now that you'd have just said you weren't, to be honest
JESS-- that i wasnt thinking about it or i wasnt moving
ME-- You weren't thinking about it. Because now I know where I stand, and it's in a pretty shitty position
JESS-- i have been thinking about it ever since you said it could happen
ME-- And I'm still stuck against your friends.
JESS-- its not even just my friends, i have a job. possibly, and i dont know how easily id be able to get a job there
ME-- Every argument you've given me tonight about you "thinking about it" says that you aren't coming. So if that's the case, tell me. If not, I'm done talking about this for now, because I'm really pissed about it. If you don't want to do it, fine, but don't lie and say you want to and then give me fourteen reasons against it
JESS-- thats not the case babe, you really need to calm down about this.
ME-- Read your own fucking messages, Jess. You're contradicting yourself.
Granted, there's overreaction on my part... But while we were on "vacation" this weekend, I ended the matter by saying, "This is the last thing I'm going to say about it... The space is there if you want it." And he told me that, "It's not that I don't want to move in."
And it's not... It's that he doesn't want to leave either. And I don't think he's going to. Which brings me back to the beginning, "How do you go on when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back?"
I don't feel guilty anymore. If I only see him once a month, that's no longer my job's or my fault. If I don't get to talk to him every day, that's no longer my fault. Because I put myself out there. I tried to take this relationship to the next level, to let us be adults together instead of just kids... This relationship has not really progressed since I was 15 years old... And that bothers me. There's no going back... We don't get to just be kids again. We both need to grow up, and he isn't doing that.
We've been back together five months as of today... And we're going around in the same circles we always have been... So how do we go on? Any advice? Because I could sure use some...
1 comment:
First of all, apologies for not commenting sooner...I pretty much passed out so I could get up early and finish some stuff....as usual. lol.
All this sounds like he's trying to avoid the issue entirely (obviously) and, from what you've posted, it sounds like you've already called him out on it and noticed how horribly shady it really appears. To me, everything he's saying and doing is screaming that he has no intention of moving in with you but doesn't want to tell you....probably because he doesn't want to upset you or make you mad.
I don't know everything about your relationship, and I'm not going to pretend I do...but you know me and my pet peeves, and being a doucher about things like this is one of them. I think you've done everything you possibly can--you've put yourself out there, you've encouraged him, you've offered him solutions to the "problems" he's thrown at you about the situation, and you've called him out on what appears to be a big ol' lie.
As far as what to do from here...well, only he can take the next step, and he has to want to do it. Honestly, it sounds like he doesn't, and I understand how frustrating that has to be when all you want is for the relationship to evolve.
From the beginning, you've hoped you both had matured enough to make the relationship work this time. You certainly have--so much so that you can see how certain actions have consequences, etc. You've spent tons of time and energy on him and on trying to make the relationship work. Trying to be a better person for him. And then there's him, who right now is not-so-subtly avoiding one very simple question: will he move in with you?
I'm not trying to be all against him, but from what I'm hearing...has he changed? Has he put as much effort into the relationship as I KNOW you have? You wear yourself out with all your responsibilities, and yet you still find the time and effort to give 110% to him, too. I don't know how you do it, honestly...and honestly, you deserve 110% back. You don't deserve hedging around an issue, and you don't deserve immaturity or resistance to change. You are a marvelous person that only wants (and deserves) the best for herself, and at this point you aren't getting it. As your friend, I am thoroughly pissed for you.
I don't know what you should do, but I do know that what he's doing by avoiding the issue and by STILL resisting change (he still doesn't have his license?!?!) is not an example of him contributing proactively to the relationship. Neither is taking you on vacation, even though I'm sure that was about 100 barrels of fun. At the end of the day, the successful relationship isn't about fighting or pushing for change, or about all the swanky fun things you've done together. It's about learning to grow and adapt to new things together and not being stuck in something that no longer reflects you.
You know that with Max, I was permanently stuck in freshman year. I was unhappy even while I thought I was happy, and now I honestly regret all that time I spent forcing things and pushing and complaining and trying so hard to make things work with someone that--although I loved him--it just wasn't gonna work. I'm not saying Jess is wrong for you, but I am saying I don't want to see you in that same situation. It sucks, and I don't like the dishonesty I sense in Jess's comments to you.
Well...that is all I currently have time to type. I vote we do dinner sometime soon to further discuss this and other lame-man scenarios. Love you, dear--best of luck!
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