So... It's Been Awhile

Yes, well... I suck at blogging.

I guess this started as something that most other people weren't reading... somewhere that I could really say all those things I was thinking...

And I don't know if I stopped needing to vent (I doubt it) or the energy it took to type it all out got to be too much.  Probably the latter....

But at any rate, a lot has happened since I last wrote.

Jon and I moved to Pennsylvania.  He got a job at a performing arts school here, and we've been here since July 1.  We are only an hour from his family, and about 3-3.5 hours from mine.  Since coming back, we've been to my cousin's wedding, a housewarming/graduation party, birthday parties, karaoke, bonfires... We've missed a few things that people have held, but largely, it's almost as good as being back "home"

And really, I've started to really think of this place as home.  We have a 3-bedroom apartment, which right now is one bedroom, an office, and a junk room, but it's a work in progress.  The kitchen is nice enough that we're actually able to have people over for dinner (we cooked for Jon's parents yesterday) and we have our own washer/dryer, which I'm pretty ecstatic about.

I was working for Target briefly, but I've since quit.  The drive was too far for what they were paying me.  So for now, I'm playing homemaker.  Which really means I've been reading a ton.  And I like it.

Angel is insisting I pay attention to her, so this will have to be a quick post!  Hope all is well!

Another Year in STL

So, Jon has decided to take another season of work with STAGES.  They offered him a decent enough raise (not what he wanted, but good enough) and he likes it here.  As much as I want to go back home, I'm excited for another season at STAGES.  I like dressing up and going to the shows, sipping wine at opening night parties, and going to the benefits and auctions.  Sitting at the last auction, listening to people throw around tens of thousands of dollars like it was nothing was intimidating to say the least, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy being a part of it.

After six years at the university, it's nice to feel like an adult.  And that's the big part of my post today.  Jon and I are looking for somewhere new to move, and it's proving to be quite the challenge.  We moved in here under a rent special, and if we renew another year, our rent goes up substantially.  As in, we HAVE to move.  Also, there's been a handful of incidents (Jon's bike stolen, vandalism, fires set) that have made up our mind for us.  Our lease is up in July, which gives us a little time, but not much.

The problem is, our apartment is pretty big.  Any other apartment at the price we pay now is going to be half the size, and we already trip over each other and our stuff as it is.  It seems like all the apartments in the city (the cheap ones) are overrun with college students, and we've had enough of that.  We want a grown-up place.  

So I started the process of trying to see about buying a home.  Our credit will not let us.  I am leaning towards some rent-to-own options, but it's tricky.  Most of the rent-to-owns that aren't totally sketchy are so far away from where we work that it makes it basically pointless to move there.  And the closest options to where Jon will be working move me away from where I work.  Granted, I work at a mall and there are a billion malls here, but still.

I just wish there was some other option.  I can't believe how difficult this process has been, and I just want somewhere to call home.  I've moved every year for the past seven years (sometimes multiple times in a year).  I just want a real home. 

What 23 Taught Me

So, I've been 24 about a week now... almost anyway.  Twenty-three was a big year for me.  There have been a lot of huge events: getting engaged in February, moving to St. Louis in May, and now getting married this coming December.  A lot has happened, and I guess it seems right that I might try to reflect at least a little.

So, without further adieu, and in no particular order:

What 23 Has Taught Me:

 -Sometimes, you have to be your own biggest cheerleader.

  -Not all pizzas are created equal.

-Caring for something that trusts you implicitly and loves you unconditionally makes you want to be a better   

  person.  

-Sometimes, heavy people can move faster than lighter ones.  Especially if you’re zip-lining.

-Sugar cubes are so much better than regular sugar. 

-You appreciate Autumn so much more when your whole Summer was 100+ degrees. 

-Nobody ever said you have to be pregnant to wear maternity clothes. 

-There is no substitute for your mommy. 

-You’re never too old for a tea party.  

-There’s something really special about getting to read aloud to someone.  I’m glad it was something I was 

  able to rediscover. 

-I have no idea how I made it this long without a dog.  I also have no idea what I’ll do when she’s gone. 

-You don’t have to be perfect to have confidence in yourself.  

I Don't Know if Anyone Reads This...

I'm not sure if anyone reads this... but I'm trying to get this out there as much as possible.  Our dog needs an operation, and I'm trying to figure out a way to make it happen.

If you have a moment to take a look, or wouldn't mind passing it on...

Thank you.

https://sites.google.com/site/helpourangel/home

So Frustrated...

Jon and I moved to St. Louis a little over a month ago.  It's been a really tough move, with a lot of ups and downs.  Jon is working in the theater, which is his passion... And that's great.  Meanwhile, I've been working for the theater as well, just not in the capacity I'd like to.  But that's okay, because he's happy.  


But I have to vent.  Because quite honestly, this is all getting to be really hard, and I can't tell him that, because he just panics.  I'm the one that's been keeping calm, but I can't hold it all in anymore.  


We aren't making enough money to cover our bills and groceries.  We both tried applying for food stamps, but apparently I have "excessive income."  He didn't even get called back.  How is it possible that we are in the red at the end of every month, but our income is excessive?


In the meantime, I've been applying for second jobs like crazy.  Receptionist positions, retail... I even applied to be a flight attendant.  I don't know what else to do.

On top of all that, we're trying to pay for the wedding.  I've already accepted that I am not getting a dream wedding.  It's not even going to be close to what I want.  But we don't even have money for stamps for the damn envelopes to send out Save the Date cards.  I'm struggling to make payments on a wedding dress, and Jon barely pays for our rings each month.  There will be no money for flowers or decorations...

It's hard, because I spent so much of my life with people telling me that things were going to get better.  That they understood that it was hard for me being "the poor kid" growing up.  That if I just worked hard enough, when I grew up, things would be better.  They aren't.

I have already given up on flowers for the wedding.  I have cut down my guest list.  I have no idea what we are doing for catering.  I will not have a photographer or video person.  I am not paying to get my hair or makeup done.

For once in my life, for that one special day, I'd just like to not have to do things as cheap as possible.  I just want it to be elegant.  I'd like to be able to have a fancy wedding like other people.  For once in my life, I'd like to not want it to be better.  I'd like to not be embarrassed that I can't offer my friends and family more.

I wish that for once in my life, I'd get all those things people told me were going to come.  Because I believed the grown ups who told me it would get better.  I believed that it wouldn't always be that way, and I had hope.

Had.

Duty Night, So Why Sleep Yet?

I'm on duty tonight, so I'll be up for awhile. There's no point in trying to go to sleep until at least 1:00 a.m., because RAs will be done with rounds by then. In the meantime, I'm stuck thinking, which is probably the worst thing for me to be doing.

I got the job as the Winter Break RHD, which basically means that I won't be doing anything for the holidays. The person I'm sharing duty with said he wanted Christmas, so I gave it to him... he's basically my boss during the school year, so I didn't really feel comfortable telling him that he couldn't have it. I got New Year's off, but I don't really do anything for New Years...

This is the problem: Jon wants to go home to see his family for Christmas. Fuck.

I will never tell him not to go see his family on Christmas. Never. What I do want him to understand is that he IS my family. We are a family, and he is all I have this holiday, as my parents wouldn't come visit if I paid them. I am trying to be okay with him going, but of course I'm upset. Who wants to be alone on Christmas?

The other part that makes me upset (and that I can't tell Jon) is that the only reason I took this job is to be able to afford the iPad he wants. He's trying so hard to be happy here, and it's really difficult for him. He isn't making as much money as he wants to, or getting the hours he wants... He's still trying to make friends... I want to get him something he really wants to show him just how much I love him, and how much it means that he stayed. (Which I know he knows anyway...)

How do you tell someone to stay without being selfish?

Two Posts in a Day...

I know, right? Nothing for such a long time, and all of a sudden I'm a blogging machine! Well, I'm on duty tonight, and I try to stay up at least until midnight on those nights, just in case... Also, I really don't want to read for homework yet. Thus the blogging community is stuck with my thoughts.

So I feel a little bit bad complaining about all this... As you saw by my last post, (if you do read this) that I'm thrilled to death that Jon decided to stay with me. He's moved in, and we're really making this apartment a home as much as we can. He gave up a lot to stay while I finish my graduate degree, and I cannot be thankful enough for that. But I'd be lying if I didn't say that there wasn't something on my mind that's really bugging me...

I will be 23 in nine days. When my mother was 23, she gave birth to me. I know this isn't necessarily the best standard to live by, but I'm terrified that my time to have children, to be able to play with them and be the cool mom, is rapidly slipping away.

It honestly seems like all my friends, even the ones that don't want it, are where I WANT to be. They have kids, lives, husbands... Felicia is 18 years old, still finishing high school, and is engaged with plans for a summer wedding. Is it jealousy? Of course it is! I want everything that all my friends have...

I love Jon and I am ready for forever. Now that I really know how much I love him, forever just doesn't seem like long enough, and the days are disappearing so quickly, I don't want them to go. I want the ring, and the house, the white picket fence, and the dog and the yard... I want the pitter patter of feet. I want the "American dream" and I'm so sick and tired of waiting...

Thank you for listening to my whiney nonsense...

Things are Finally Feeling Fine

As the post title suggests, things are going well.

Jon has been home for two weeks now. He starts his job with Target tomorrow. He'll be stocking from 4:30-8:30 a.m. and thus is asleep right now. He went to bed early and I've been awake on duty, doing laundry, and trying to do some reading for homework, and it all feels strangely right.

Jon got offered a job in Florida, and turned it down. They even called him back and offered him more money, and he turned it down again... So right now I'm just in awe of the fact that he loves me enough to stay.

My birthday is in nine days, and I'm just so excited for what this new year will bring!

Updating From My Kindle

That's right world. Apparently I can update my blog from my Kindle!!! It's entirely impractical, and a gigantic pain in the butt to type things out on the tiny little button keyboard and search through the symbol menu for any punctuation more complicated than a period, not to mention that you can't do certain things because you can't open more than one window.

I'm also certain that I could do all of this faster on my Blackberry... But the fact remains, I can blog from my Kindle, and I think that's pretty cool.

Still Awake, Despite My Best Efforts

I was so absolutely exhausted that I went to bed around 10:00, and now here I am, wide awake... There are a couple things contributing to this, I think, but part of it is this new "diet" I'm following. I've been having chest pains, and when I went to the ER this time, they decided that I have gastritis. Basically, my stomach is so inflamed that it's causing me chest pain.

The doctor's solution? In addition to laughing at me and suggesting I exercise more, I am not allowed to have:

-Caffeine

-Alcohol

-Fried foods

-Greasy foods

-Too much dairy

-Nothing after 7:00 p.m.

This is all well and good for most people, but I live and work on a college campus... That's what there is for food here. Also, I don't even get out of class til 7:05, and I haven't eaten dinner at that point. I've been doing the best I can, and since I usually don't go to bed until late anyway, I've told myself that as long as I stop eating by 8:00 p.m., I'm okay.

But I think what happened tonight is that I woke up because I was genuinely hungry. Eating whatever, whenever, is something I've gotten used to, especially when I'm on duty, because you basically work round the clock. I've been trying to just drink tea as a substitute, but tonight I had some applesauce and a couple veggie chips. Now I'm terrified that the horrendous heartburn will return...

This is all extra-irritating because I have to get up early tomorrow for a meeting, and I really would like to have been long asleep by now. At any rate, it was nice to have a moment to write something new.

Things I Have Not Done

This summer has been ridiculously, incredibly busy. From Michigan and blown up cars, to Upward Bound, to St. Louis, straight to residence services, I don't think I've stopped to take a breath. I feel like there are a thousand things I did this summer, but there are some important things I didn't get a chance to do this summer.

1. I did not get to go to Johnson's Island. This is the second summer I haven't been able to go because of work, and that makes me sad. I really miss my island family.

2. There have been no bonfires this summer. This means no marshmallows, no s'mores, nothing.

3. I have not yet been to a beach... I've barely been swimming. (Only monitoring students for UB, and for half a second in the hotel pool... but never outside.)

So I guess maybe it's only three things I can immediately think of, but those three things are really important to me. Johnson's Island basically incorporates all three of those, and I really miss it.

It is What it Is...

Quite simply put, some nights just aren't meant for sleeping, and it would seem that tonight is one of those nights... Which is quite remarkable, actually, considering how exhausted I've been all week. I took a nap right after work around 6:30 p.m., and ended up sleeping til around 9:30 p.m., which would explain why I'm wide awake right now.

Today was actually a very good day. I took a couple of students shopping with me to help get ready for Family Day on Sunday, and it was really rewarding. One of the students I took has been having sort of a difficult time this summer. He's struggling with a recent diagnosis doctors have given him, and he's pretty quiet most of the time. He has these big, sad eyes that just break your heart when you know he's upset.

But today wasn't like that at all. He was excited, happy and eager. He asked questions about me, laughed, joked, sang along with the radio in the car... It was so wonderful to see him happy and smiling, and just really warmed my heart. Today alone has made this summer and all the hectic stuff worth it.

On top of all that, I booked my flight tickets today. So now I know I really am going to St. Louis at the end of the summer to visit Jon. I think it's going to make this next month a lot more bearable. There are so many plans I want to make, and so many things I hope happen while I'm there, but for now, I'm just trying not to get ahead of myself.

So for now, I'm going to watch a little more Bones, then go to bed.

Running in So Many Different Directions

Figured I'd take half a minute to myself and update this thing... Upward Bound is officially done with week one, and I don't think I've ever had a harder week in my life. Up at 7:00 a.m., breakfast by 8:00, and then nonstop work until the students go to bed at 11:00 p.m., at which point we sit down to get that day's paperwork done. We're working sixteen hour days, then falling into bed to get up and do it all over again.

And somewhere in there, I'm trying to make time to talk to Jon. It's been really difficult. I know he's working hard too, and that there's a time difference (only an hour) but it seems like I'm trying harder. I stay up til 1:30-2:00 in the morning just to talk to him, and then it's only for a few minutes because he says he's tired. And that hurts, a lot. And I've been trying to make him understand this, but it's just not getting through. He hasn't been feeling well the last couple days, and that just makes him prone to snap at me. Which doesn't help when my nerves are already fried.

So far, I've taken two students to the emergency room, and a third met me there by ambulance. I have been managing medication for a handful of students, chasing them down at each meal. I have dealt with more attitude from singular people than I thought I would deal with from the whole group. My staff has been all over the place, falling out here and there, and it's incredibly frustrating not to be able to rely on them all the time.

But more than anything, when one of the students calls me, "Miss Amanda," it's all okay again. I love these students to death, and I worry about all of them. I'm Momma Bear, and they're all my cubs whether they want to be or not.

Finally, Laura's wedding was yesterday, and it was absolutely fantastic. She had a Disney theme that she managed to pull off without being at all cheesy. The bridesmaid dresses were amazing, Josh looked incredibly handsome, and Laura was more beautiful than I ever thought possible. I'm so glad I was there, and I had a lot of fun sitting with the other people from work.

Now it's time to go, because there are a million more things to do before the students get back at 6:00.

Lots of News, and None of it Good

There are a zillion things I could be blogging about right now... It could be the fact that I am now without a car. There's a long story involving a blown engine, mechanics, tow truck drivers (plural), Michigan State Police, and all that jazz. There's also a speeding ticket in there somewhere.

I could talk about the fact that I barely know anything about my summer job. Still no room assignment, don't know when I have to move all my things (alone, no less). Don't know what my job really entails, and what I do know, I definitely wouldn't have chosen.

No, but what I want to talk about is Jon. Jon has been gone for a little over a week now. His graduation is Saturday, and I'm paying almost $200 to rent a car for the weekend, just to see him graduate, and to spend time with him and his family.

I love his family, don't get me wrong, but I just want to spend time with him. I know that's what they want too, and that I'm being selfish. But I won't see him again until October. His parents are at least taking the time to drive down and see him. That's something I won't get to do. So I'm upset about that.

Also, Jon just called to tell me he received another job offer. This one is from Norweigan Cruise Lines. I tried so hard to be supportive. I told him I was proud of him, and I am. But really? I'm so upset and angry at the world right now. It's not enough to have him in St. Louis, 574 miles and 10 hours away... Now I have to contend with a whole goddamn ocean?

I understand life isn't supposed to be fair. Really, I get that. I just wish that for once, I could feel like I had at least a little bit of a say in my own life. If I can't keep him in this state, or even in this time zone, can't I at least have him on the same landmass?

St. Louis was supposed to be over at the end of October. He talked about going to Florida after that, possibly in December. As much as that still sucks, there's a month or so of time in there. There are days for him to lie beside me and act like he never had to leave me. And at least Florida offered some hint of a possibility of permanence. I told him that the second there was somewhere permanent, I would be there. A cruise line is not permanent. Maybe semi-permanent for him. But not for us.

Is it wrong for me to feel like this? I've never felt like this about someone before. I didn't ever really believe in soul mates or one right person, but I have known from the first day I met him that I am supposed to be with him. How do you tell someone, "Oh, a cruise line in December? Gosh, I figured we'd be engaged in December..."

How do I stand there with a smile on my face and congratulate him on this big success, when I know it means I might not see him for years?

Bucket List: Almost a Year Later

Accomplished 4 in the last 10 months:

-Visit another country. Any other country, just leave America.

-Went to Mexico just this month.

-Start a teacup collection. My aunt had one in a really nice glass cabinet that I always liked…

-It's not an extensive collection yet, but it's a start!

-Have a gorgeous wedding ceremony and an even more perfect marriage to someone I love.

-Be a truly involved and loving parent. We’re talking PTA Mom of the year style.

-Write a book. It might not even be a good book, but I at least want to finish one story that I’ve started.

-Plant a garden and eat what comes out of it. Maybe I’ll even learn how to can things.That’d be nifty.

-Learn more dances! Become really great at waltzing.

-Legitimately go camping. Not in some dinky little park… Somewhere without other people where I have to hike all day, then stop, wake up in the morning and hike home.

-Ride the spinning teacups at Disney World. Preferably whilst wearing a mouse ear hat with my name on it.

-Learn to play piano well

-Go horseback riding somewhere pretty.

-Go ice skating outside somewhere, instead of an indoor rink.

-Grow my hair out long enough that I can donate it to Locks of Love.

-Rescue an animal from a pet shelter and give him/her a loving forever home.

-Visit a psychic.

-Go back to Christmas World in Michigan and actually buy things that I want to buy… Use this as my one chance to splurge on completely unnecessary items and get lovely gifts for everyone.

-Learn how to golf. Not even well, just learn how to do it.

-Go to Mardi Gras in New Orleans.

-Milk a cow while sitting on one of the little wooden stools like you always see in the movies. It would be even cooler if the cow’s name was “Bessie.”

-Have a library in my house.

-Get all dressed up and go see The Nutcracker.

-Jon and I went to see it this Christmas!

-Get kissed under the mistletoe.

-Go on a real date.

-We went to the Tall Ships Festival in Pennsylvania!

More Terribly Screwed Up Dreams

Woke up at 6:50 a.m. on April Fool's Day, sobbing. Here is the delightful dream that caused it. I'll be telling it in first person, because I'm going to have to do dream work with it anyway in one of my classes, and our professor makes us tell our dreams like they're happening:

Jon and I are waiting outside, near some train tracks. It is winter. There's no snow falling, but the ground is completely covered, and I can see my breath in the air. We are waiting for a bus of some kind.

There are six people with us: two white couples, and a black couple. We are all discussing an article in the paper, about how Mekhi Phifer was arrested for killing four people. I tell everyone how much I liked him in "ER."

We are all waiting for some weird bus. This trip is supposed to be some sort of big experience. (When I wake up, I will think about it like the acid trip buses in the 1960s. Then I will be reminded of the movie Inception, the idea of waiting for a train, and that while you don't know where the train will take you, it's okay, because you're together)

When the bus finally arrives, it's absolutely packed. The whole back of the bus lowers like a drawbridge, and it looks like a bar inside. The floors are wooden, and there are wooden stools next to the bar. It's dim inside, except for lights over the bar and televisions glaring.

The other couples we are waiting with get on the bus. One of the white women got on, but the man she was with, her boyfriend, isn't able to get on the bus. The woman starts screaming, and the bus stops to let him cram in too.

Jon and I watch this, after having walked into and then back out of the bus. We look at each other and share an unspoken thought: "We don't need this."

We walk away, with everyone asking about it. Everyone new to the bus stop wants to know what it was like. Jon and I just smile, and I tell them that we didn't go. As we walk away from them, I turn back to smile and say, "I hope you find what you're looking for." The people at the bus stop smile back at us, and everything is perfect.

As Jon and I walk away, we feel so completely alive, and untouchable. But the further we get from the bus stop, the more we start to feel like something is wrong. It is still dark out, and we are trying to make it through town, back home. It starts to dawn.

Suddenly, we are back by the train tracks again. It is dark, and we are dodging trains. Suddenly, the tracks are all full with trains in both directions, and I know what is going to happen. I know something is very wrong.

As we dodge, I see a small gap in the trains for us to squeeze through. I get where I need to go, but Jon dodges the wrong way. I scream, "JON!" But it is too late. Jon dodges left instead of right.

The train hits him, tearing him completely in half. It's seamless. The top of his body is there, and then it isn't. The train stops as soon as it hits him. The driver gets out and sees what has happened. He throws up, and then begins to look for something

Jon's blood is such a strange color. Sort of purple-ish and metallic. I think of Harry Potter, and how I always imagined unicorn blood would look. (When I wake up, Jon will say, "Like motor oil?" and I will be surprised how well he pictures what I mean) The color is so strange against the white of the snow.

The driver is saying, "We have to find the other half of his head." I have been screaming, but suddenly, I calmly point beneath the side of the train, and say "It's right here." I am dialing a number on my Blackberry. I thought I dialed 911, but Jon answers the phone.

I am looking at the train, confused. I am sobbing, and I hear Jon's voice on the phone. "Hey, Baby!"

"Bunny?" I reply. (That's what I call him)

"Yeah." Jon answers. "What's wrong? You sound upset."

I am crying, and smiling an odd smile, trying to keep it together on the phone. "Oh, nothing, Bunny. It's just... Something real serious just happened here, and I needed to hear your voice, okay?"

"Okay, babe. I love you."

As I am saying, "I love you too," I am crying harder. I know that when I hang up the phone with you, everything is over.

And this is where I wake up crying.

In my dreams, I almost never hear the dialog. I just know what it is that has happened or was said, or everyone speaks in my voice. Never before have I so clearly heard someone else's voice in a dream. I woke up crying and couldn't go back to sleep. I scared Jon to death because I gasped so loud when I woke up.

Oddly enough, he said he'd woken up a few seconds before I did. When he stays over, he always likes to be touching me, even if it's just a hand on my shoulder. He said that as soon as he touched me, I woke up crying. Even stranger, as I was describing the dream, he could see a lot of what I was saying. (The way he described the blood color really freaked me out.)

So that's my latest, very odd dream.

Wait... What?

This evening my mother called to tell me that she's going to start packing stuff up. I thought that was pretty vague. I asked why she was packing, and she told me that they're probably going to have to leave the house pretty soon.

I knew things were bad, but I never knew it was that bad. They're going to take our house, and my parents are going to be homeless. I'm not going to have anywhere to go back to. The house I grew up in, that has so many memories, and has always been a part of my life is just gone.

But what did she tell me? Not to worry.

How do I not worry about the fact that I have no home anymore?

Dream from Ages Ago

I had this really weird dream January 9, and I wrote it all down so I could type it out here and figure out what it means, but I ran out of time, and then there was a whole other slew of weird-ass dreams to contend with, so I'm just now getting it out.

Jon and I were out in the woods on some kind of day trip. There were other people with us, but I don't remember who they were right now. I know there was a sheriff or park ranger of some kind, but that's about it. Anyway, we were out in the woods, and there was this big, evil, demonic deer.

The deer was very tall, but really skinny... Kind of like the skinny "got milk" vow. He had long skinny arms and legs too. His head was really, REALLY big though. His snout was long and sort of wideish, but it was open on top, and there were about fifty or so spikes sticking out of it. He had antlers, but I don't remember specifics. What I remember most were his eyes, which were small and white, and very evil.

I don't know what all was happening, but the basic gist of it was that he was after Jon, myself and the rest of our group. It got to a point where it was just me, Jon and the sheriff person in the woods, because everyone else had been killed. The sheriff had something to do with it... he'd unleashed this deer's power somehow.

Jon and I went to this little tipi village to find out what had happened. It turned out that a man (I think the sheriff) had played some kind of dice game with this little Indian girl, and he'd lost, so this deer was roaming around killing people. So, Jon and I decided to play against this little girl to see if we could win and stop it.

Jon rolled the dice, and lost, but I rolled against her and won first try. This old Indian woman, who I assume was her grandmother, told me mysteriously, "You've always been lucky, haven't you?" Basically from this point, the idea became that because I was so lucky, I was invincible, and thus could be fearless.

The dream sort of fast-forwarded, and I was scaring the deer into the woods, growling at him and making clawing motions at it. The deer just looked at me with hatred and vengeance, and took off running after Jon, because he couldn't kill me. I ran off after them, just in time to see Jon kneeling on the ground facing me, with a spear impaled through him from his lower back out through the middle of his chest.

I got angry because the deer had killed Jon, and I jumped up into the air with a stick of my own, sort of like a big log. It was like slow motion, and I jumped unnaturally high and came down unnaturally slow. I missed the deer, but I knew I had to bounce on a log.

I don't know if I actually killed the deer or not. The next thing I remember is coming to a cliff, and diving off the side. This 20-sided die appeared as I was falling into oblivion. Knowing that I was lucky, I took the dice and rolled a twenty. This hexagon-shaped object (which kind of reminded me of a children's toy) appeared, and I could spin it backwards as far as I wanted.

It was like a time machine, and I turned it back further and further until Jon and I were unpacking at a beach. To avoid the deer and everything else, I'd apparently just changed our plans. Then all of a sudden, it was me watching this beach scene on TV at Celia's apartment. My godson tottered down the hall, and I took out the beach DVD so he could watch cartoons.

And THAT is my crazy ass dream.

What Does a Dream Really Mean Anyway?

I've been having a lot of bad dreams lately... Not scary like monsters, but scary like it was just too real. This morning I woke up in a panic, because I was dreaming that I was back home. I was caught in the middle of another argument, and my parents were just screaming at each other... Their dream fight was up there with the worst they've ever had. It's been a long time since I've witnessed one of these fights, but it was frightening just how much the dream really scared me. It felt very, very real.

Thursday night, Jon spent the night. I woke up forty-five minutes before my alarm in a complete panic, and jumped onto him on his side of the bed, clinging onto him like I was drowning. I felt really bad, because I really scared Jon, but I needed to know he was there, and that this was what was real.

I had dreamed that I was back home in the shopping center, and Jon and I were in the car with some people I knew when I was a kid. I was looking for my bag in the trunk and the backseat, and I guess I wasn't moving fast enough, because dream-Jon freaked out and started yelling at me and throwing things from the car and trunk. Dream-me acted predictably, and cried and walked away. One of the other people in the dream walked with me and said something about him being crazy, and how he wouldn't even party with him because he was scary-crazy when he drank. Dream-me said that Jon didn't drink, and the other guy in the dream looked at me like I was fooling myself.

Then Dream-me walked over to Dream-Jon, and he kept yelling, but we were staring to talk through it. Suddenly, this man walked up to Dream-Jon, and asked for drugs. Dream-Jon was a dealer, he just gave me this look... like he was sorry but I should have known better, and he said, "Don't act like you didn't see it." Then Dream-me was scrambling to pick up the things he'd thrown on the ground, like my purse, and sweatshirt and television remote. (the items don't make sense, but I could see them so clearly... down to tears on the sweatshirt and stuff like that)

It was about then that I woke up and freaked out. I woke up crying because it felt so real. Jon just hugged me until I calmed down, which I appreciated, but when he asked me about the dream and I explained it, he seemed mad at himself. He thinks it's his fault because he had a cigarette with his coworkers and told me about it. (He's mostly quit, but has slip-ups often)

So that's been my last few days.

My, How Time Flies...

Got my first invitation to a 5-year high school reunion this morning... I wish I could say that I took it better. True, I didn't go off on the person. I actually haven't replied at all yet, but nonetheless, all I could think was, "Why would I want to come back and hang out with people who were mean to me in the first place?"

I always thought that when I got to this point, I would be more excited about going back. In reality, I can't believe it's already been five years. I know that I'm doing better than many of my classmates in a lot of respects, but I feel like going back is only going to make me compare what I've done and where I'm at to them, and that's not a good idea.

Most of all, I thought that after five years, I wouldn't care so much about the way people treated me in high school. On the contrary, I've found that I don't want to go back... I'm afraid to see these people again, and afraid of how they'll treat me.

You apparently don't get over someone telling you to kill yourself every morning. You don't forget people making fun of the way you laugh. You'll always remember the way people ignored you, were snarky to you, and used you.

I guess I just thought that at 22, with a degree, in graduate school and with a steady job and boyfriend, I would feel more confident in what I am and who I've become. I just feel like the second I stand in front of these people, I'm going right back to who I was then, and I'll be staring at the floor, afraid to make eye contact, and scared that they're going to be the same people they were then.