I Warn You; Stop Reading Now

Hooray for burnout!

I've reached the point where I can't do it anymore

Yet the year's just begun,

And there's so much more to do.

So even though I can't do it anymore, I can't stop

I won't stop really.

God, it's so frustrating that I'm screaming inside

And no matter how many people I tell

I still feel so empty and frazzled and downright lost.

I miss feeling happy, and having a life.

I've made school and work my life

And while I've made some great friends out of it

There's a lot that I've missed out on too

Now I feel like I can't say, "It's too much."

Because people expect me to be the one to always keep going

I expect me to keep going, because I don't know what else to do.

There is no other option but to keep doing it.

I just don't know how to say that I'm in over my head

And while my friends sing happy songs

And lead happy lives

I sit here dismally like some stupid, kicked around puppy

Trying to make someone, ANYONE notice me.

And notice that I'm not okay...

That I'm further from okay than anyone can really understand.

Regardless of these facts, I'm happy for them

All my friends... because they're happy

They're leading new lives

And meeting new people, and finding what makes them happy

And I love that! I'm ecstatic for them.

But I'm angry too...

I'm so, SO angry, and I don't know how to deal with that

Because all I ever wanted was to love my friends

To never be jealous of them, and listen to all their joys and woes

And I can't even stand it anymore... the good or the bad

I can't even handle my own shit...

And there's nothing I can do to make any of it better.

I used to be so afraid to let people know that something was wrong

I was scared they'd see I wasn't perfect

And now, when I'm trying so hard to let people see that I need them

They don't see it. Or if they do see, there's nothing they can do to help.

I was finally at a point where I was willing to open up.

I wanted to let people in, and I wanted to stop being so scared

And that whole chance got taken away from me

So this incident that started as being this huge deal...

This life-ruining, earth-shattering deal...

It's all just another stupid, ruined chance.

It's just the tip of the iceberg

For another stupid glacier of misery...

I just feel overwhelmed and completely on my own

And I need someone to sit down and say, "It'll be okay."

Even when we both know it won't be.

Because I know I'm in for a long, DIFFICULT year.

And nothing anyone can do or say is going to change that.

I just want to go to bed and cry and cry,

And wake up in the morning with this renewed sense of hope for the world.

Don't get me wrong; I always have hope for tomorrow.

It's almost as if that bright, shiny horizon seems a little brighter now

But right now, it's so dark I don't know what to do.

Hooray for Happy Dreams...

So last night, I had this dream...

I went back to my high school for some reason

And I ran into a boy that I went to school with

I'd forgotten that he was so much taller than me

(Though taller, not heavier than me)

But in my dream, I ran up to hug him,

Because I was so happy to see him again

As I threw my arms around his neck,

He wrapped one arm around my back

And lifted me up into the air, effortlessly

While he twirled me around, I just hugged him tighter

Wrapping my legs around his waist

Sort of koala bear style, but more like a little kid getting a piggyback ride.

And in my dream, it was just so good to see him again

And know that he was okay, and happy

When I woke up, I felt glad and light and lovely.

I hope that wherever he is and whatever he's doing

That he really is okay...

He was the kid in high school that I felt like I should protect

So it was great to have a dream in which he was strong

And independent and holding me up...

Symbolism, anyone? I like to think so...

Anyway, that was my dream last night

And now, I'm off to bed...

Hopefully for more good dreams.

Although, I watched a scary movie earlier

So I can't guarantee that...

Goodnight!

Warning: Whiney Blog

Dearest readers, if you don't like people complaining, I suggest you stop now. That being said, here I go.

Basically, I am not a talker... contrary to popular belief.

I talk about stupid, pointless things... I talk in class

But when it's something that really, REALLY matters to me

I often do not say anything at all.

I don't put myself out on a limb, because, let's face it,

Oftentimes, stuff like that just blows up in your face.

So I bottle things up, and I wait for "the right time" to say things

And usually (so I don't know why I'm surprized) it backfires.

Like this time. Like this ridiculous, completely avoidable time

Because I am too scared to open my mouth and say what I feel like

So now, I'm stuck here, writing this obnoxious, whiney post...

I could STILL say what I always planned on saying,

But it wouldn't help now... And I have no desire to make anyone feel awkward.

Somehow, in some way, I'm gonna have to say it...

But not today. Not now.

Dream; August 10, 2009

Okay, so I'd like to start with a disclaimer... I immediately wrote this down upon waking up, and when I looked back at it, it sounds like I wrote it in a trance... I preface this entry with the warning that I have BIZARRE dreams... This was one of the more odd ones.

So, not changed at all from the morning I wrote it (I was apparently very fond of semicolons that morning...) is the dream I had on August 10, 2009.

A young girl is running; looking for solitude

She locks herself in a dim restroom;

There is a tri-fold mirror/medicine cabinet above the sink.

As she looks into the mirror, I know she is not me, but I am seeing everything through her eyes.

The left mirror panel is open

Looking forward, she is reflected simultaneously on the left and center mirrors.

The reflection in the center mirror is sober faced.

She is emotionless, save for her eyes, which are tired; defeated.

The reflection in the left mirror cries.

She does not sob; there are merely silent tears running down her cheeks.

The girl looks down at her wrists

And finds black, dotted lines across them; cut lines, with small x's at the center.

I know horizontal cuts do not kill

But in my dream, this is irrelevant.

The cut lines, mimicking elementary school, seemingly children's lines

Are real; I know that this girl will certainly die.

As she looks at the lines, at the x's

The girl takes a blade

It is curved; looking like an Arabian scimitar in miniature

It fits easily in her right hand; feels natural

As she moves to cut her left wrist

The blade catches a beam of light; reflected off the mirror

She looks up into the mirror

And I, still looking through her eyes

See a face wet with tears

But determined, and above all, smiling.

So just as blade and flesh meet, I wake.

And though the dream in itself is upsetting

I am full of hope. I know I will always be okay.

It Just Feels... Now...

So, before I launch into a post about the dream I had a week or so ago,

I want to tell you about how lovely today was.

Bree's Mom and Nikki came out, so myself, Bree, A.J., Mom and Nikki had a cookout.

Which was nice and very low-key... Everyone got along.

After, I came back for my meeting with my bosses,

Which went swimmingly, in case you wondered... I feel awesome about this job.

And as a staff, we all went out to dinner. (Which for me, meant pudding, because I had just eaten)

Then, I went to order my glasses and contacts

Which, even though I didn't want to do it, was something that needed done.

I feel much better, too, knowing that I took care of it.

Bree, A.J. and I went shopping then... and we had a blast, as always.

I found a cute pair of pants, and a shirt... Plus I got oil for my car.

Connie is also back in Kent, which makes my life.

I went over to see her new, fabulous apartment... Which is very Connie

And I liked it a lot. We went on one of our standard Wal-Mart runs

Then to Sheetz, which is also something of a tradition.

Connie and I took our Sheetz deliciousness and headed for the apartment

At which point we sat cross-legged on the floor and devoured our food.

And it felt... right. It felt very now, by which I mean

It felt like at that moment, God and the universe intended nothing more

Than for Connie and I to be sitting there eating and chit-chatting.

Now, I am home, and after I post the bizarre dream I had, I am going to bed.

Back for Round 2

So, after quite a hiatus, I am back among the blogging.

My laptop died a violent death,

But now that I have this lovely new one,

I am here to irritate you all once again with all the drivel I have to say.

Expect a handful of posts here in the next week or so...

I jotted down a lot of things on paper

In preparation for when I got my computer back...

So there's a lot to say...

Some reflection, a dream, and just generally what I've been up to.

For now, I'm exhausted...

Just got done helping my new residents out

And still exhausted from the 12+ hours of check-ins yesterday

At this point, I shall bid you adieu

And take a nap.

Ta ta, and goodbye until later!

Catching Up

Okay... I'm back at the desk for another shift, 9:00 p.m. til midnight...

This leaves me with some time to catch you up

On where I've been and what I've done these past two weeks...

I was on vacation! I mean it! I left the campus for two whole weeks!

(That's the longest I've been gone since I took the RA job... in Fall 2007)

For the first 3 days and 2 nights, I went with Celia to Frankenmuth, Michigan.

We stayed in a nice hotel in Flint, about 15 minutes from Frankenmuth.

Since it was Celia, her son, her mother, Aunt and brother, Alex

We got a suite... And it was absolutely lovely!

The group of us did a lot of touristy things... For instance, Christmas World!

We went two separate days and did a good amount of shopping...

(I got a pickle, an Edelweiss flower, and a few other small things)

Christmas ornaments are always fun, especially when you're a total Christmas nut like me.

Other than that, we did a lot of walking in downtown Frankenmuth...

So it was basically: Bakery, bakery, fudge house, taffy pull, candy kitchen, repeat...

All the while I kept announcing, "Celia, it's vacation, the calories don't count!"

After the time in Michigan, I spent about a day and a half at home

I saw Bruno at the movies... Never before has a comedy made me so nervous...

Then I was off to Johnson's Island for 10 days...

It was nice, because it was family time... On the other hand... it was family time

All in all, well worth it.

I went boating and swimming, had a treasure hunt for the kids,

Went dancing and out for karaoke with my older cousins

We sang Piano Man by Billy Joel... which apparently they do every year

My Aunt Rory (who passed away when I was about 10) loved Billy Joel

So they do it for her every year... It was nice to be a part of it.

I took the kids for ice cream almost every night

And we took lots of trips to Wal-Mart, and the playground...

I even went antiquing once by myself, which was great...

A little alone time never hurt anyone...

At the end, my laptop power cord ended up getting broken
(My Uncle took my laptop without asking... sigh)

So, since it's already missing 2 keys, (the "3" and the "V")

I thought that it would be better to just wait a bit

And get a new laptop altogether...

So for now, I'm without a computer, and just blogging...

Through all of this, I lost about 4 pounds...

And I feel so much more relaxed, rejuvenated, and ready for anything

I am at the best possible place I could be in life...

I'm so ready for school to start, to see all my staff from last year and this year

And to have classes with Tabi and Jason... I'm pumped to have people I know in them.

For now, I'm working on door decs with Sarah P.

We had a lovely evening running errands...

And she dipped potato into more potato and declared it was delicious...

All is well with the world... I hope it's well in yours too!