Forgot to Come Up With a Title...

Thanks to the anonymity of the internet, and the fact that I'm pretty sure no one reads this anyway, I feel fairly comfortable with the rant I'm about to go on...

I'm really angry with myself as a person right now. All my friends are, for the most part, at good places in their lives. I am so very, very happy for them. I've been praying and wishing and hoping that everything would work out for them.

And now, they're dating or engaged or married or otherwise entangled with a significant other. Which is fabulous... But then there's me... Alone, and feeling useless and so damn jealous that sometimes I can't even see straight.

These people talk all about how wonderful things are for them right now... And I'm glad. I'm so glad that they can talk to me, and they tell me the things that they won't tell other people. It makes me feel so great knowing that I'm a good friend to them. But it's so hard to hear all their good news when on the inside, I'm crying my eyes out.

I'm trying so hard to be the best friend I can... Listening to the good, the bad, the ugly, the downright insane... I don't, by any means, want them to quit telling me the things they are. It's just so hard to hear all these wonderful, lovey-dovey, "life is perfect" stories when I'm so screwed up I don't know how I'm going to make it through another week.

Here's the part where I really break down... I cannot... CANNOT handle everything that's going on right now. I bounce from one thing to the next, with no time in the middle for myself. I'm being pulled in fourteen different directions all the time, and I have to sit there and take it with a straight face. Inside, I'm pulling my hair out, screaming, crying and just praying for someone or something to take me away from it all...

And there's absolutely no way out of the situation. I have no way of fixing this... Nothing that I can do except "get in the swing of things." I DON'T LIKE the swing of things. I don't WANT to get used to it. I want to get AWAY from all of it. I want to scream and cry and fall down and throw a fit FOR REAL, not just in my head.

I want it to be okay for me to be screwed up. I want someone to say, "I understand," and help me fix the problem. Not just say, "I understand, it'll be okay once you get into the swing of things." I want to feel like it's okay to tell people that I'm in over my head... But I'm scared to do that.