I Warn You; Stop Reading Now

Hooray for burnout!

I've reached the point where I can't do it anymore

Yet the year's just begun,

And there's so much more to do.

So even though I can't do it anymore, I can't stop

I won't stop really.

God, it's so frustrating that I'm screaming inside

And no matter how many people I tell

I still feel so empty and frazzled and downright lost.

I miss feeling happy, and having a life.

I've made school and work my life

And while I've made some great friends out of it

There's a lot that I've missed out on too

Now I feel like I can't say, "It's too much."

Because people expect me to be the one to always keep going

I expect me to keep going, because I don't know what else to do.

There is no other option but to keep doing it.

I just don't know how to say that I'm in over my head

And while my friends sing happy songs

And lead happy lives

I sit here dismally like some stupid, kicked around puppy

Trying to make someone, ANYONE notice me.

And notice that I'm not okay...

That I'm further from okay than anyone can really understand.

Regardless of these facts, I'm happy for them

All my friends... because they're happy

They're leading new lives

And meeting new people, and finding what makes them happy

And I love that! I'm ecstatic for them.

But I'm angry too...

I'm so, SO angry, and I don't know how to deal with that

Because all I ever wanted was to love my friends

To never be jealous of them, and listen to all their joys and woes

And I can't even stand it anymore... the good or the bad

I can't even handle my own shit...

And there's nothing I can do to make any of it better.

I used to be so afraid to let people know that something was wrong

I was scared they'd see I wasn't perfect

And now, when I'm trying so hard to let people see that I need them

They don't see it. Or if they do see, there's nothing they can do to help.

I was finally at a point where I was willing to open up.

I wanted to let people in, and I wanted to stop being so scared

And that whole chance got taken away from me

So this incident that started as being this huge deal...

This life-ruining, earth-shattering deal...

It's all just another stupid, ruined chance.

It's just the tip of the iceberg

For another stupid glacier of misery...

I just feel overwhelmed and completely on my own

And I need someone to sit down and say, "It'll be okay."

Even when we both know it won't be.

Because I know I'm in for a long, DIFFICULT year.

And nothing anyone can do or say is going to change that.

I just want to go to bed and cry and cry,

And wake up in the morning with this renewed sense of hope for the world.

Don't get me wrong; I always have hope for tomorrow.

It's almost as if that bright, shiny horizon seems a little brighter now

But right now, it's so dark I don't know what to do.