Dumb boy issues happened
Because Jess is a moron and somehow thought it'd be smart to talk to Celia, who I've known since 1st grade...
He does not understand girls apparently
And she told me about it
I guess she talked to him today and he said he was upset because I yelled at him and hurt his self esteem...
And I can't figure out what he means, because we haven't fought since last week...
Okay, so... I got upset because after he came back from Tennessee, he wasn't really talking to me...
And it was when I was waiting to hear about my biopsy,
So I texted him, and mentioned that I was upset I hadn't heard from him
Because I was scared and I needed to talk, and he said, "Well, I didn't know you were scared,"
And I told him it's because he didn't bother to ask
And so I said that I thought it was insane that we were having a fight about communication, and he didn't bother to even call to have the fight
And he said, "The phone works two ways,"
At which point I flipped shit, told him "Fuck you," and pointed out that I'd called and he didn't answer,
And that I always texted to ask if it was a good time to call, but he was always out with his friends
So then he called, but he was out at the bar, and I couldn't hear him anyway (which was part of my point)
So I got mad and hung up, he found a quiet corner and called back
And I started bawling about how I feel like he's trying to push me away,
And that if he doesn't want to be with me, he should just say something instead of ignoring me
And he said I shouldn't think that way,
Which started me in on another conversation about how I feel that way because he doesn't act like he's excited to be with me anymore
Ever...
And here I digress, and this may be too much information for some of you...
Jess used to be super-excited about sex...
And he acted like he thought I was attractive,
And he still says he thinks I am, but I don't feel like I am.
So he just kind of does the same, methodical thing every time...
He doesn't try to steal kisses in public anymore, or stuff like that...
We're in our twenties and dating... sex shouldn't be like that! Romance shouldn't be dead yet!
We went to Kalahari, and I tried to make everything special...
Got bubble bath and candles, even bought some sexy stockings and stuff...
And nothing... he acted like I was wearing a potato sack or something.
But I digress...
So I was upset and told him if he was happier without me, then he should go, because I'd like for him to be happy.
And after that, we hadn't really fought.
We talked. We both started calling each other more
I honestly do feel like he's pushing me away, though...
Or that he's upset about something he's not telling me about
I really feel like if he moves, he's going to resent me for it, and feel like I made him do it...
Like, he tries to sound excited about it, but he talks about how his friends think it's a good financial decision, and how it's a smart move for him
But he never really talks about moving to be with me
And I don't want him to move and then we end up fighting and trying to stay together just because we're living together...
Part of it too was something he said awhile ago...
I was talking about how Bree and AJ fight, and how she just bottles stupid little stuff up and explodes,
And I told him, "Promise me we'll never be THAT couple?"
And he goes, "Oh no, Babe, we'll never be that couple, because you bottle shit up and then just leave."
He said it like a joke, so I just laughed about it,
But it hurt and felt like he was calling me out on it
So it's like he's still mad at me for breaking up with him before
Which would have been when I was 17 the first time, and 19 the second time...
The big part of us trying again was that we both agreed we grew up
But it's like he's still holding on to that
So I don't know what to do...
I don't know if he should move in with me, or not
Because quite honestly, I don't know what he wants anymore...
A friend mentioned that maybe he's just scared,
Because we seem to be getting more serious...
We've been dating since I was fifteen, what did he expect?
So confused...
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