Terrified for Tomorrow

Okay, so after a fair bit of research into the world of thyroid conditions and nodules, I have come up with the following statistics:

95% of thyroid nodules are benign

5% are cancerous

These seem like good odds, but I'm confused because a lot of what I've read seems to be telling me that it's most likely that you get nodules when you're hyperthyroid, and I'm not. I'm hypothyroid.

So I don't know what this means. What I do know is that I've also read extensively on what tomorrow's procedure is going to entail. I'm fairly certain they're doing what's called an FNA, or Fine Needle Aspiration procedure. A thin needle gets stuck in my neck and they suck out some of the tissue for study.

What makes me nervous is the next part (Courtesy of WebMD):

"You will be awake during the biopsy... During the test, you will lie on your back with a pillow under your shoulders, your head tipped backward, and your neck extended. This position pushes the thyroid gland forward, making it easier to do the biopsy. It is important to lie very still during the biopsy. Do not cough or swallow when the needle is in place. A needle biopsy takes about 5 to 10 minutes.

Before the biopsy, you may be given a medicine (sedative) to help you relax. Your doctor cleans the skin over your thyroid gland with a special soap.

Your doctor may use an ultrasound to guide the placement of the needle. He or she will put a thin needle into your thyroid gland and take out a small amount of thyroid tissue and fluid. The tissue is looked at under a microscope.

A small bandage is placed over the area where the needle was inserted."

Worst parts of the above section: I will be awake. I cannot cough, move or swallow. If they think for an instant that I'm going to be able to sit totally still while they stick a needle into my neck to look for cancer, they are grossly mistaken.

Connie, because she is awesome, and wonderful in words that I cannot even describe, has volunteered to go with me tomorrow. She's one of the only people I've really admitted that I'm afraid to. Mostly, I've just been smiling and saying it's all going to be just fine, and acting like I'm really inconvenienced by the whole thing.

The truth? I’m absolutely terrified out of my mind. To the point that most of the last two days, whenever I think about it, I just want to cry and scream and beat my fists against the wall until I wear myself out and fall asleep. I’m so scared that it’s going to hurt, and even more afraid that I will be in that 5%. And people just keep telling me that I need to be positive and not think that way. The fact of the matter is, until I know for sure, my mind is going to go to the worst place it can.

I don’t want to cry at the doctor’s tomorrow. I don’t want to throw a fit like a child in front of Connie, who has already seen me at the hospital for kidney stones, in so much pain I was throwing up, because that’s horrendously embarrassing. I was so glad when she just asked me if I wanted her to go, because I wanted to ask her to come with me so badly. I’m so scared to do this.

I don’t want to be so nervous that they say I have to wait. I’ve had to wait three weeks already, and I’m tired of thinking the worst. I just want to know what’s wrong. I just feel like I ought to be grown-up enough to handle it, and all this makes me feel like I haven’t grown up at all.