Happy Things

Okay, so I just have to get a couple not-so-happy fact out of the way.

Sunday morning, I ended up in the hospital, AGAIN, for kidney stones.

Luckily, it wasn't horrendous, and I drove myself,

But I was pretty drugged up for the next few days, and missed work Monday.

Also, today my car battery died.

I went to Wal-Mart to get fruit,

And then Beth came and rescued me

When I came out and realized I was stranded.

Okay, on to the happy things...

It's a positive to-do list of sorts...

Today I went running, for the first time in a long time,

And it was really nice... Not totally pleasant, but it felt good.

So this is my goal: I want to start more healthy habits.

I want to try and do things that make me a better person

And that make me feel better about myself.

This included having healthy snacks (I had celery and peanut butter, and an apple)

Even if I eat not-so-healthy food (pizza) at other times.

Most importantly, it means taking a few minutes each day to realize that nobody loves their body all the time.

Everyone has fat days, or bloated days, or days where their face breaks out.

Everyone is going to have to buy clothes in sizes they don't necessarily like at some time in their lives.

But what's important is knowing that if you really want to, you can work to change it.

And even if the scale tells you something you don't want to see,

It's really just a number... What's important is to really be healthy

And to do what you can to try and be comfortable with yourself.

So starting today, I want to run, or walk, or crawl, or whatever I have to do, but do it more.

I want to try and do sit-ups at night, and if I don't do the exact number I want...

If I want to do 100, but I have to stop at 75 or 50,

I know that I'm trying, and that I'll get there.

And one day, I'm going to find a way to be happy in my body.

Updates on the Updates!

So, not long after I posted my last blog, the doctor's office called me. They said that there is no malignancy! So basically, this nodule is just sittin' around in my thyroid, hanging out.

Fine with me! Go right ahead and hang out!

Now, I just have to go back at the end of July, and they'll ultrasound again to make sure it's not going crazy or anything, but I'm fine for now!

Thyroid Biopsy: Update

Three days later, this is what I have for you:

I didn't cry. I did panic a little bit, but the doctor was good at keeping me from totally flipping out. It hurt, and my throat still hurts.

It basically felt like he put a syringe in my neck and then plunged it up and down a bunch of times. Then he repeated that with the other three syringes.

I have a Vitamin D deficiency. I have to go get this prescription that's for something like more than twice the normal dosage for people. Awesome, more pills... ugh.

The doctor said I should get the results in the mail by next week.

Terrified for Tomorrow

Okay, so after a fair bit of research into the world of thyroid conditions and nodules, I have come up with the following statistics:

95% of thyroid nodules are benign

5% are cancerous

These seem like good odds, but I'm confused because a lot of what I've read seems to be telling me that it's most likely that you get nodules when you're hyperthyroid, and I'm not. I'm hypothyroid.

So I don't know what this means. What I do know is that I've also read extensively on what tomorrow's procedure is going to entail. I'm fairly certain they're doing what's called an FNA, or Fine Needle Aspiration procedure. A thin needle gets stuck in my neck and they suck out some of the tissue for study.

What makes me nervous is the next part (Courtesy of WebMD):

"You will be awake during the biopsy... During the test, you will lie on your back with a pillow under your shoulders, your head tipped backward, and your neck extended. This position pushes the thyroid gland forward, making it easier to do the biopsy. It is important to lie very still during the biopsy. Do not cough or swallow when the needle is in place. A needle biopsy takes about 5 to 10 minutes.

Before the biopsy, you may be given a medicine (sedative) to help you relax. Your doctor cleans the skin over your thyroid gland with a special soap.

Your doctor may use an ultrasound to guide the placement of the needle. He or she will put a thin needle into your thyroid gland and take out a small amount of thyroid tissue and fluid. The tissue is looked at under a microscope.

A small bandage is placed over the area where the needle was inserted."

Worst parts of the above section: I will be awake. I cannot cough, move or swallow. If they think for an instant that I'm going to be able to sit totally still while they stick a needle into my neck to look for cancer, they are grossly mistaken.

Connie, because she is awesome, and wonderful in words that I cannot even describe, has volunteered to go with me tomorrow. She's one of the only people I've really admitted that I'm afraid to. Mostly, I've just been smiling and saying it's all going to be just fine, and acting like I'm really inconvenienced by the whole thing.

The truth? I’m absolutely terrified out of my mind. To the point that most of the last two days, whenever I think about it, I just want to cry and scream and beat my fists against the wall until I wear myself out and fall asleep. I’m so scared that it’s going to hurt, and even more afraid that I will be in that 5%. And people just keep telling me that I need to be positive and not think that way. The fact of the matter is, until I know for sure, my mind is going to go to the worst place it can.

I don’t want to cry at the doctor’s tomorrow. I don’t want to throw a fit like a child in front of Connie, who has already seen me at the hospital for kidney stones, in so much pain I was throwing up, because that’s horrendously embarrassing. I was so glad when she just asked me if I wanted her to go, because I wanted to ask her to come with me so badly. I’m so scared to do this.

I don’t want to be so nervous that they say I have to wait. I’ve had to wait three weeks already, and I’m tired of thinking the worst. I just want to know what’s wrong. I just feel like I ought to be grown-up enough to handle it, and all this makes me feel like I haven’t grown up at all.

Nothing Much to Say

A whole handful of things happened, but it takes ages to write it all. Graduation was lovely, I took a week or so off, and then went back to Kent, back to work. Went home for my graduation party, which was lovely. Fought with my idiot friends, read some more books, etc. etc.

There's the last month in a nutshell.

Wow... That's It?

So, this past weekend, I graduated from college...

I'm the first of my family to do so, which is really exciting.

I'm working DKS for the summer,

And then in the fall, I'll start graduate school.

It's just so weird to me to be done with it all...

I know I'm still a college student...

And on one hand, I don't feel like it's over at all

But on the other hand, it feels strange to say I'm a graduate.

Went to the endocrinologist today...

They did more blood tests,

And scheduled me for another appointment in two weeks.

They want to do an ultrasound on my thyroid

Because apparently there's some enlargement that happened pretty quick

And they may possibly do a biopsy...

Biopsy is NOT a word that I'm excited about.

Meanwhile, they're keeping on the same meds,

At least for the next two weeks

And my doctor is insisting I take vitamins...

Needless to say, it was a long (2 hours at the doctor) day

But A.J. and I went to World Market and the mall after

And that was nice...

I guess I'm kind of scared that they'll find something on the ultrasound...

I know what "biopsy" usually goes along with

So it's kind of scary...

Time for bed now.

Goodnight.

Can You See The Time?

For those of you that don't know the time of this post (or what time it is now, for that matter)

It's 6:19 a.m. Which I think means ante-meridian

I'm not really sure... either way, I'm kind of jittery... Which is an accomplishment

Because I didn't have anything with caffeine in it.

Nope, this is just good ol' fashioned sleep deprivation

You may be asking yourself why I haven't been to bed yet

Well, I can tell you, very succinctly, in two words.

Finals week.

I just finished a paper on transnational migration and the way that it affects children, because children have no say in most of the aspects of what makes a person successful anywhere... It has to do with this French guy named Bourdieu, and I wrote 12 and a half pages about it, and I'd love to tell you about it but my brain cannot explain it to you right now. Because before I wrote that paper, I wrote five pages on the 1960's and how it both succeeded and failed. And last night, I wrote a six page paper about banned and challenged children's literature, then woke up and went and took that final... And this afternoon I did a project for Black Images. And today and tomorrow I will be writing an eight-page paper about the Native American schools like Carlisle and how it affected women.

Actually, all I really want to do is sleep, but I can turn my paper in between 7:45 and 10:00 a.m. and I'm worried that if I try and sleep now, I won't get back up in time to turn in the paper. And that would be really really bad.