Quick Post...

Well, Christmas is over

And it was painless...

I still have a few people to visit

I didn't get to see Celia and T.J.

But I'm going to try and do that

A little after the New Year.

This is just a quick post

Because it's 10 till 6

And I have to leave 

I'm going to a concert 

In Massilon...

Jason's band is playing

And I said that I would go.

I'm excited!

More about break later...

In the New Room

I'm all settled in for Winter Break...

Well... mostly.

I still need to put the Christmas tree back up

But other than that, 

I'm all settled.  

Tonight, I went out for dinner

With Gerry and Allison,

Two of the other winter RAs

And I'm really excited for this year

Because it's not cliquey like it was last year

We all get along

And we can tell our RA horror stories 

And laugh together

And I like it a lot...

I'm in Centennial C for break

Which is a very nice room

But not as big as my other room

And I miss my bathtub

But the carpeting is nice

And being able to control the heat is nice too

Plus, I'm right beside the laundry room

So later tonight, I'm doing a major clothes-washing...

For now, I have to go...

Time for 8:00 rounds!

2:00 A.M. Catharsis...

Okay... so I know this is going to be melodramatic...
I actually sort of intend it to be...
It's somewhat cathartic... 
A purging of sorts... 

It's just... 
I'd like to think someone listens
But if I write it all out like this
Then only the people that WANT to listen can
So if you don't want to deal with my drama
Then please, 
Stop reading here.
I wouldn't want you to be inconvenienced any further.

Last week, someone called me "fuckin ugly"
In all my life, I've never been called that
And I've been called a lot of things
I've even had someone tell me to kill myself
But never has someone said that to me
And I laughed it off, but honestly
It hurt a lot... 
And I needed to say that.

I just found out that one of my friends...
A father figure really
Is very sick...
And I don't quite know how to process that yet
Because I'm really shaken up about it
And I guess that's all I can even really say about it
Because I don't know how to feel
Or what to do, or say...

The person that I used to be closest to
Is pushing me out of their life
Entirely, from the look of it.
And I don't want to be a burden
So I'm just going to let it happen
And hope that someday soon
She'll realize I only want to be there for her...
And maybe she'll realize too
That this really, really hurts me
Only I'm not going to say anything more.

Then, there's this guy
Who makes me smile all the time
Even when he isn't trying to
Except I want to believe he is trying to...
There are a bazillion things I could say here
But I won't... for a few reasons
I don't want to give too much away
Because I never say anything
When it comes to boys...
Because wanna know a secret?

I've never actually been on a date...
I mean, I had a boyfriend
But we were always just... together
I've never actually dated
And I'm disappointed in this...

But for once,
I want to be a better person
I want to be happier and healthier
And I want to work harder to be better
But not perfect. 
I finally figured out I'm never going to be
And someone WILL pick me, just for me.

Tonight was a pretty weather night.
The snow was light on the ground
It was cold, but not windy...
And the flakes that fell were the happy, fluffy kind
That you can catch on your tongue. 
It's the kind of snow that falls lightly into your hair
Or into your face,
Waiting for a kind hand to brush it away. 

It's the kind of snow that makes me want to hold someone
To hug someone and tell them
That everything will be okay
Even if it isn't right now. 
It was the kind of snow that I wish I had memories of...
Of someone coming up to me, 
Taking me by the hand
And telling me that it's okay to feel happy and sad at the same time
And that it's enough to just be feeling with my whole heart

I want it to be one of those movie moments...
Where I'm standing there, staring at the snow
And I hear someone come up behind me
But as I turn to see who it is, 
I'm already in his arms
And I'm seeing the snow fall into his hair...
Getting stuck in his eyelashes
Watching how his eyes sparkle
And his whole face lights up when he smiles...

I know it's dorky sounding
But to me, it sounds... 
It sounds right and soft and wonderful
Like it's what I've always wanted
And one day, I'll get it. 

Even though I didn't sleep much last night, 
I'm so very, very awake right now...
Because I'd be disappointed to fall asleep
And not dream about the things I just said.

So if you listened this far, thank you. 
Because it means a lot that you're listening.

So There's This Boy...

Okay, so I refuse to be upset

There is giant list of terrible things

That have been upsetting me

For several days now

But I don't want this post to be 

Depressing and sullen... 

It's going to be a happy one...

Okay, so there's this boy...

I don't think he reads this, 

Nor does anyone else that knows him

But I'm going to be intentionally vague

Just in case...

Anyway, for a long time

I haven't really been interested

In anyone... 

No one seemed particularly special

So I didn't push the issue...

But now, I found a boy...

And he's adorable

Sweet, funny, kind...

I'm not going to say a lot...

Again, we're going for vague...

Suffice it to say I have a dreadful crush

On this perfectly lovely boy...

And it makes me smile :)

20th Birthday Reflections

So, I just wanted to take a moment

And share how wonderfully my Birthday went.

I was out of rehearsal by 5:15 

Left Kent by 5:30...

Got home at 6:45, took a shower

Went to the movies...

Jess, Sondra, two of her friends, and I 

Went to go see Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Which was wonderful

And absolutely HILARIOUS...

It was a lovely evening.

Then, Saturday my Mom made me a cake

And got ice cream

And she sang Happy Birthday

I got to blow out candles...

And we watched a movie

And played Scrabble

And she made me a grilled cheese

And nobody fought

And it was wonderful.

Then, Nikki, Britt and I went out to dinner

At Olive Garden

Because it's my favorite

And they both got along

And Brittany actually talked to us

And stayed off the phone

For the most part...

The waiters and waitresses sang to me

And it was funny and wonderful.

Then, we all went back to their house

And their Mom had gotten a cake for me.

And they sang Happy Birthday 

And then they sang it in Dutch

Because that's how their family does it

And I blew out more candles

And it was wonderful.

Then Sunday, I went to Celia's

And I got to see her

And little T.J.

Who is 7 months old

And not so little anymore

And I did laundry.  

We chatted and swapped clothes

And watched Charlie Brown

And it was wonderful...

Then I had rehearsal from 7-11

Which went rather well

And I got to be the mean character

And use my big girl voice.  

Afterwards, I went and brought a slushie back for Connie

Who had fallen asleep at her desk

And Jaymee brought me a blueberry muffin.

And then I parked my car,

Came back here, answered all my messages

On email and facebook, etc.

Then decided to write about how absolutely perfect

My weekend was...

And how for once, everything was wonderful.

Taking a Few Moments

It's 2:50 p.m.

I know... I never post at normal hours...

This is big for me...

I missed French this morning

Beacause I had a really weird dream...

I feel the need to share it...

So my friend Tabi and I were on this boat 

Because one of the girls I went to high school with was getting married

It wasn't even a girl I was friends with
And the bridesmaids were wearing white and yellow striped cotton dresses

And the bride had on a matching shirt but like a white flowy cotton skirt 

It was just weird how much I actually remember from it...

Anyway, I got lost from Tabi

And some guy took my cell phone 

But I finally got it back, called her, 

And she said to meet her at the elevator

So we got on, and it must've been a tall boat, 

Because we were going up and up and up, 

But all of a sudden it stopped and the doors opened, 

And it was just wall... 

Like, we were between floors 

So we panicked and decided not to touch anything 

And just stay really still... 

The doors closed most of the way, 

And it started going up really slowly, 

But we looked up and the floor thing said [147] 

Then all of a sudden it was [59] 

So I said, "Why did it drop so fast?" 

And then the elevator just fell... 

And I remember hitting bottom and it just being black.... 

It was like I was conscious just long enough 

To know Tabi died and that I was going to... 

And thank God Tabi finally texted me

To ask why I wasn't in French

Because it vibrated against the duty radio 

Loud enough to finally wake me up 

Because the alarm on my phone wasn't doing it

So that was my dream, 

And it really freaked me out...

So I missed French...

And now I'm going to go practice piano

Go to my last two classes

And then hopefully go see a play tonight.

Wow... I'm Big on 1:00 a.m. Posts...

So the time is now 1:08 a.m.

It's October 25, the weekend before Halloween

Which is when the bars in Kent celebrate

And instead of going downtown

And having all sorts of fun

I love looking at costumes...

I am on duty...

I am also on duty next weekend...

Anyway, we've done three rounds already

And not written anyone up 

Knock on wood...

I went shopping this morning with Dani and Connie

To get ready for our Ghost Walk program.

Rehearsal got cancelled Friday,

So I got to go to staff dinner...

And today, in between rounds, 

I watched a movie with Aaron, 

Then another by myself...

I rearranged my room

And cleaned...

Got some groceries...

It's been an incredibly long and productive day...

And one of the better ones that I've had

Besides a few puzzling text messages...

I'm still not sure how I'm going to handle that...

But anyway... I just want to finish duty

Go to bed...

And not get woken up until tomorrow...