2:00 A.M. Catharsis...

Okay... so I know this is going to be melodramatic...
I actually sort of intend it to be...
It's somewhat cathartic... 
A purging of sorts... 

It's just... 
I'd like to think someone listens
But if I write it all out like this
Then only the people that WANT to listen can
So if you don't want to deal with my drama
Then please, 
Stop reading here.
I wouldn't want you to be inconvenienced any further.

Last week, someone called me "fuckin ugly"
In all my life, I've never been called that
And I've been called a lot of things
I've even had someone tell me to kill myself
But never has someone said that to me
And I laughed it off, but honestly
It hurt a lot... 
And I needed to say that.

I just found out that one of my friends...
A father figure really
Is very sick...
And I don't quite know how to process that yet
Because I'm really shaken up about it
And I guess that's all I can even really say about it
Because I don't know how to feel
Or what to do, or say...

The person that I used to be closest to
Is pushing me out of their life
Entirely, from the look of it.
And I don't want to be a burden
So I'm just going to let it happen
And hope that someday soon
She'll realize I only want to be there for her...
And maybe she'll realize too
That this really, really hurts me
Only I'm not going to say anything more.

Then, there's this guy
Who makes me smile all the time
Even when he isn't trying to
Except I want to believe he is trying to...
There are a bazillion things I could say here
But I won't... for a few reasons
I don't want to give too much away
Because I never say anything
When it comes to boys...
Because wanna know a secret?

I've never actually been on a date...
I mean, I had a boyfriend
But we were always just... together
I've never actually dated
And I'm disappointed in this...

But for once,
I want to be a better person
I want to be happier and healthier
And I want to work harder to be better
But not perfect. 
I finally figured out I'm never going to be
And someone WILL pick me, just for me.

Tonight was a pretty weather night.
The snow was light on the ground
It was cold, but not windy...
And the flakes that fell were the happy, fluffy kind
That you can catch on your tongue. 
It's the kind of snow that falls lightly into your hair
Or into your face,
Waiting for a kind hand to brush it away. 

It's the kind of snow that makes me want to hold someone
To hug someone and tell them
That everything will be okay
Even if it isn't right now. 
It was the kind of snow that I wish I had memories of...
Of someone coming up to me, 
Taking me by the hand
And telling me that it's okay to feel happy and sad at the same time
And that it's enough to just be feeling with my whole heart

I want it to be one of those movie moments...
Where I'm standing there, staring at the snow
And I hear someone come up behind me
But as I turn to see who it is, 
I'm already in his arms
And I'm seeing the snow fall into his hair...
Getting stuck in his eyelashes
Watching how his eyes sparkle
And his whole face lights up when he smiles...

I know it's dorky sounding
But to me, it sounds... 
It sounds right and soft and wonderful
Like it's what I've always wanted
And one day, I'll get it. 

Even though I didn't sleep much last night, 
I'm so very, very awake right now...
Because I'd be disappointed to fall asleep
And not dream about the things I just said.

So if you listened this far, thank you. 
Because it means a lot that you're listening.