Things are Finally Feeling Fine

As the post title suggests, things are going well.

Jon has been home for two weeks now. He starts his job with Target tomorrow. He'll be stocking from 4:30-8:30 a.m. and thus is asleep right now. He went to bed early and I've been awake on duty, doing laundry, and trying to do some reading for homework, and it all feels strangely right.

Jon got offered a job in Florida, and turned it down. They even called him back and offered him more money, and he turned it down again... So right now I'm just in awe of the fact that he loves me enough to stay.

My birthday is in nine days, and I'm just so excited for what this new year will bring!

Updating From My Kindle

That's right world. Apparently I can update my blog from my Kindle!!! It's entirely impractical, and a gigantic pain in the butt to type things out on the tiny little button keyboard and search through the symbol menu for any punctuation more complicated than a period, not to mention that you can't do certain things because you can't open more than one window.

I'm also certain that I could do all of this faster on my Blackberry... But the fact remains, I can blog from my Kindle, and I think that's pretty cool.

Still Awake, Despite My Best Efforts

I was so absolutely exhausted that I went to bed around 10:00, and now here I am, wide awake... There are a couple things contributing to this, I think, but part of it is this new "diet" I'm following. I've been having chest pains, and when I went to the ER this time, they decided that I have gastritis. Basically, my stomach is so inflamed that it's causing me chest pain.

The doctor's solution? In addition to laughing at me and suggesting I exercise more, I am not allowed to have:

-Caffeine

-Alcohol

-Fried foods

-Greasy foods

-Too much dairy

-Nothing after 7:00 p.m.

This is all well and good for most people, but I live and work on a college campus... That's what there is for food here. Also, I don't even get out of class til 7:05, and I haven't eaten dinner at that point. I've been doing the best I can, and since I usually don't go to bed until late anyway, I've told myself that as long as I stop eating by 8:00 p.m., I'm okay.

But I think what happened tonight is that I woke up because I was genuinely hungry. Eating whatever, whenever, is something I've gotten used to, especially when I'm on duty, because you basically work round the clock. I've been trying to just drink tea as a substitute, but tonight I had some applesauce and a couple veggie chips. Now I'm terrified that the horrendous heartburn will return...

This is all extra-irritating because I have to get up early tomorrow for a meeting, and I really would like to have been long asleep by now. At any rate, it was nice to have a moment to write something new.

Things I Have Not Done

This summer has been ridiculously, incredibly busy. From Michigan and blown up cars, to Upward Bound, to St. Louis, straight to residence services, I don't think I've stopped to take a breath. I feel like there are a thousand things I did this summer, but there are some important things I didn't get a chance to do this summer.

1. I did not get to go to Johnson's Island. This is the second summer I haven't been able to go because of work, and that makes me sad. I really miss my island family.

2. There have been no bonfires this summer. This means no marshmallows, no s'mores, nothing.

3. I have not yet been to a beach... I've barely been swimming. (Only monitoring students for UB, and for half a second in the hotel pool... but never outside.)

So I guess maybe it's only three things I can immediately think of, but those three things are really important to me. Johnson's Island basically incorporates all three of those, and I really miss it.

It is What it Is...

Quite simply put, some nights just aren't meant for sleeping, and it would seem that tonight is one of those nights... Which is quite remarkable, actually, considering how exhausted I've been all week. I took a nap right after work around 6:30 p.m., and ended up sleeping til around 9:30 p.m., which would explain why I'm wide awake right now.

Today was actually a very good day. I took a couple of students shopping with me to help get ready for Family Day on Sunday, and it was really rewarding. One of the students I took has been having sort of a difficult time this summer. He's struggling with a recent diagnosis doctors have given him, and he's pretty quiet most of the time. He has these big, sad eyes that just break your heart when you know he's upset.

But today wasn't like that at all. He was excited, happy and eager. He asked questions about me, laughed, joked, sang along with the radio in the car... It was so wonderful to see him happy and smiling, and just really warmed my heart. Today alone has made this summer and all the hectic stuff worth it.

On top of all that, I booked my flight tickets today. So now I know I really am going to St. Louis at the end of the summer to visit Jon. I think it's going to make this next month a lot more bearable. There are so many plans I want to make, and so many things I hope happen while I'm there, but for now, I'm just trying not to get ahead of myself.

So for now, I'm going to watch a little more Bones, then go to bed.

Running in So Many Different Directions

Figured I'd take half a minute to myself and update this thing... Upward Bound is officially done with week one, and I don't think I've ever had a harder week in my life. Up at 7:00 a.m., breakfast by 8:00, and then nonstop work until the students go to bed at 11:00 p.m., at which point we sit down to get that day's paperwork done. We're working sixteen hour days, then falling into bed to get up and do it all over again.

And somewhere in there, I'm trying to make time to talk to Jon. It's been really difficult. I know he's working hard too, and that there's a time difference (only an hour) but it seems like I'm trying harder. I stay up til 1:30-2:00 in the morning just to talk to him, and then it's only for a few minutes because he says he's tired. And that hurts, a lot. And I've been trying to make him understand this, but it's just not getting through. He hasn't been feeling well the last couple days, and that just makes him prone to snap at me. Which doesn't help when my nerves are already fried.

So far, I've taken two students to the emergency room, and a third met me there by ambulance. I have been managing medication for a handful of students, chasing them down at each meal. I have dealt with more attitude from singular people than I thought I would deal with from the whole group. My staff has been all over the place, falling out here and there, and it's incredibly frustrating not to be able to rely on them all the time.

But more than anything, when one of the students calls me, "Miss Amanda," it's all okay again. I love these students to death, and I worry about all of them. I'm Momma Bear, and they're all my cubs whether they want to be or not.

Finally, Laura's wedding was yesterday, and it was absolutely fantastic. She had a Disney theme that she managed to pull off without being at all cheesy. The bridesmaid dresses were amazing, Josh looked incredibly handsome, and Laura was more beautiful than I ever thought possible. I'm so glad I was there, and I had a lot of fun sitting with the other people from work.

Now it's time to go, because there are a million more things to do before the students get back at 6:00.

Lots of News, and None of it Good

There are a zillion things I could be blogging about right now... It could be the fact that I am now without a car. There's a long story involving a blown engine, mechanics, tow truck drivers (plural), Michigan State Police, and all that jazz. There's also a speeding ticket in there somewhere.

I could talk about the fact that I barely know anything about my summer job. Still no room assignment, don't know when I have to move all my things (alone, no less). Don't know what my job really entails, and what I do know, I definitely wouldn't have chosen.

No, but what I want to talk about is Jon. Jon has been gone for a little over a week now. His graduation is Saturday, and I'm paying almost $200 to rent a car for the weekend, just to see him graduate, and to spend time with him and his family.

I love his family, don't get me wrong, but I just want to spend time with him. I know that's what they want too, and that I'm being selfish. But I won't see him again until October. His parents are at least taking the time to drive down and see him. That's something I won't get to do. So I'm upset about that.

Also, Jon just called to tell me he received another job offer. This one is from Norweigan Cruise Lines. I tried so hard to be supportive. I told him I was proud of him, and I am. But really? I'm so upset and angry at the world right now. It's not enough to have him in St. Louis, 574 miles and 10 hours away... Now I have to contend with a whole goddamn ocean?

I understand life isn't supposed to be fair. Really, I get that. I just wish that for once, I could feel like I had at least a little bit of a say in my own life. If I can't keep him in this state, or even in this time zone, can't I at least have him on the same landmass?

St. Louis was supposed to be over at the end of October. He talked about going to Florida after that, possibly in December. As much as that still sucks, there's a month or so of time in there. There are days for him to lie beside me and act like he never had to leave me. And at least Florida offered some hint of a possibility of permanence. I told him that the second there was somewhere permanent, I would be there. A cruise line is not permanent. Maybe semi-permanent for him. But not for us.

Is it wrong for me to feel like this? I've never felt like this about someone before. I didn't ever really believe in soul mates or one right person, but I have known from the first day I met him that I am supposed to be with him. How do you tell someone, "Oh, a cruise line in December? Gosh, I figured we'd be engaged in December..."

How do I stand there with a smile on my face and congratulate him on this big success, when I know it means I might not see him for years?