Lots of News, and None of it Good

There are a zillion things I could be blogging about right now... It could be the fact that I am now without a car. There's a long story involving a blown engine, mechanics, tow truck drivers (plural), Michigan State Police, and all that jazz. There's also a speeding ticket in there somewhere.

I could talk about the fact that I barely know anything about my summer job. Still no room assignment, don't know when I have to move all my things (alone, no less). Don't know what my job really entails, and what I do know, I definitely wouldn't have chosen.

No, but what I want to talk about is Jon. Jon has been gone for a little over a week now. His graduation is Saturday, and I'm paying almost $200 to rent a car for the weekend, just to see him graduate, and to spend time with him and his family.

I love his family, don't get me wrong, but I just want to spend time with him. I know that's what they want too, and that I'm being selfish. But I won't see him again until October. His parents are at least taking the time to drive down and see him. That's something I won't get to do. So I'm upset about that.

Also, Jon just called to tell me he received another job offer. This one is from Norweigan Cruise Lines. I tried so hard to be supportive. I told him I was proud of him, and I am. But really? I'm so upset and angry at the world right now. It's not enough to have him in St. Louis, 574 miles and 10 hours away... Now I have to contend with a whole goddamn ocean?

I understand life isn't supposed to be fair. Really, I get that. I just wish that for once, I could feel like I had at least a little bit of a say in my own life. If I can't keep him in this state, or even in this time zone, can't I at least have him on the same landmass?

St. Louis was supposed to be over at the end of October. He talked about going to Florida after that, possibly in December. As much as that still sucks, there's a month or so of time in there. There are days for him to lie beside me and act like he never had to leave me. And at least Florida offered some hint of a possibility of permanence. I told him that the second there was somewhere permanent, I would be there. A cruise line is not permanent. Maybe semi-permanent for him. But not for us.

Is it wrong for me to feel like this? I've never felt like this about someone before. I didn't ever really believe in soul mates or one right person, but I have known from the first day I met him that I am supposed to be with him. How do you tell someone, "Oh, a cruise line in December? Gosh, I figured we'd be engaged in December..."

How do I stand there with a smile on my face and congratulate him on this big success, when I know it means I might not see him for years?