Irritated...

So I found out that now we have to dress up for our awards ceremony...

This makes me angry.

Because I don't have the appropriate clothes.

I've been told, "Just buy a black dress..."

Because apparently everyone needs one of those

And as much as I'd like to do that,

I just don't have the money.

Also, I don't really like dressing up.

I mean, I do... I like the way I feel

It makes me feel very put-together and grown-up

But I have never once gotten the reaction I wanted when I dressed up.

I've always wanted that movie moment, where the other person just pauses to look

And says, "Wow, you look beautiful."

Never had that. Scared I never will

And each time I dress up, I get that reminder.

Warning: Long Post with Offensive Language

So, at the risk of sounding terribly nerdy, I've chosen to preface this blog with a line from LOTR... Because I like it and I said so. I chose, "How do you go on when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back?"

I brought up moving in to Jess again. I feel like it's stupid for us to live apart, especially when we finally have a (Free) chance to make this work. I get a free apartment next year, with all utilities covered, and he's allowed to come live with me. But I'm fairly certain he isn't going to. For instance, excerpt from our conversation the other night:

ME-- Such as I've given you time to think about moving in, and I want to know where you're at

JESS-- ...

ME-- That's all you had?

JESS-- babe i want to ok, its jsut that there is a WHOLE LOT im going to be moving away from, so if you can PLEASE be understanding, and when i know what i need to do i'll tell you. because there is a ton of pressure on me already. and its not like i dont want to, its just that people do rely on me here.

ME-- I'm trying to be understanding, but I don't think you understand where I'm coming from

It only degenerates from here... I claim that I'm not important enough from him, and he assumes I don't need him here. I'm just so irritated with the fact that he isn't willing to grow up... He doesn't want to leave his friends (because an hour is such a long time away) and I flipped out about that... Case in point:

JESS-- i just dont see why i need t ohave my mind made up right now

ME-- I don't want you to have it made up, but it'd be nice if it looked like you put any kind of thought into it at all... Because in case you didn't realize, this is a big commitment and life change for me too, not just you

JESS-- i have been putting thought into it, i think about it alot and im just trying to create a scenario where i move down there and still maintain my friends here

ME-- Then stay there, if that's what you want, but after a statement like that, don't ever tell me again that you feel like I make my friends more important than you.

I was pissed... screaming at the laptop like he could hear me. He makes me feel bad for being here, and putting this job first... I finally find a way to put him first and he's too much of a baby to do it?

And then I offered this jewel of wisdom: "How would you stay connected? Stay at grandmas or here or at your dads where you aren't paying rent, work and pay off the college, get your license. Viola... now you can go wherever the fuck you want." (In case you didn't realize, I'm still super-pissed here)

And then it concludes with:

JESS-- just dont think i am not thinking about it ok?

ME-- I wish now that you'd have just said you weren't, to be honest

JESS-- that i wasnt thinking about it or i wasnt moving

ME-- You weren't thinking about it. Because now I know where I stand, and it's in a pretty shitty position

JESS-- i have been thinking about it ever since you said it could happen

ME-- And I'm still stuck against your friends.

JESS-- its not even just my friends, i have a job. possibly, and i dont know how easily id be able to get a job there

ME-- Every argument you've given me tonight about you "thinking about it" says that you aren't coming. So if that's the case, tell me. If not, I'm done talking about this for now, because I'm really pissed about it. If you don't want to do it, fine, but don't lie and say you want to and then give me fourteen reasons against it

JESS-- thats not the case babe, you really need to calm down about this.

ME-- Read your own fucking messages, Jess. You're contradicting yourself.

Granted, there's overreaction on my part... But while we were on "vacation" this weekend, I ended the matter by saying, "This is the last thing I'm going to say about it... The space is there if you want it." And he told me that, "It's not that I don't want to move in."

And it's not... It's that he doesn't want to leave either. And I don't think he's going to. Which brings me back to the beginning, "How do you go on when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back?"

I don't feel guilty anymore. If I only see him once a month, that's no longer my job's or my fault. If I don't get to talk to him every day, that's no longer my fault. Because I put myself out there. I tried to take this relationship to the next level, to let us be adults together instead of just kids... This relationship has not really progressed since I was 15 years old... And that bothers me. There's no going back... We don't get to just be kids again. We both need to grow up, and he isn't doing that.

We've been back together five months as of today... And we're going around in the same circles we always have been... So how do we go on? Any advice? Because I could sure use some...

Nice Enough Day

Today I woke up early and went to Goodwill in Akron to do community service. They gave us a tour of the place, and it was very big, and very nice. We sorted clothes for awhile, and then headed home. Scariest part: we took a taxi, and there was definitely an empty Miller Lite can under the seat of the van...

Got home, picked up Bree and drove her to work. Then, A.J. and I went to Red Lobster, which is absolutely our most favorite place to eat in the WORLD. We're both completely gluttonous, neither of us stopping until we've devoured everything on our plates... It's a "go big or go home" thing... Ultimate Feasts... Yum.

Then, we still had some time before Bree was done at work, so we decided to take Moose and Beast for a walk. There's a very nice trail around here, so we headed over to that. We got to chit-chat and just generally relax. We walked for about an hour, and got back just in time to pick Bree up from work.

Headed home, and played some Scattergories... I won, Bree came in second, with 54-45-43. We had a lot of fun, because when we know there's no hope, we'll try and use something ridiculous... For instance, Bree tried to use "shotgun" as a toy that starts with "S". A.J. and I argued that one, though I'm pretty sure he generally would consider a shotgun a toy...

After that, we had a little fire, and I fell asleep on the floor in front of the fire place. Beast lay down with me and it was a cozy moment. Plus, the parrot didn't bite me, which is always a plus. I was confused, because it was dark when I woke up, but nonetheless, we still had fun.

Went on a Wal-Mart run, where we looked for Banana Cream Pie... Found one, but it took two hours to thaw, and we didn't want to wait that long, so we settled for some clearance Easter candy. Then, we ran to Burger King and McDonalds (because we all wanted different stuff) and came home to watch Hoarders.

Now, I'm working on fliers for the program we're having Wednesday. It's going to be a late night, because I still have a lot of homework left to do. Regardless, it was a really nice, chill kind of day. Also, I've been devouring books lately, which I think has put me in a better mood... I'm even reading some stuff I've never read before. (I'm generally a creature of habit)

Hope you had a good day too!

All Over...

Spring Break is over...

Back to school

Back to work

Back to life...

I miss my friends and family and Jess...

Dismal outlook on the world this evening...

I hope our professors ease us back in.

Ugh...

Goodnight.

Can't Sleep, What a Surprise

Tonight, Nikki Giovanni came to speak at the Student Center on campus. To be honest, I hadn't really known who she was, but I was going to the presentation to fulfill an RA in-service requirement.

I am SO GLAD that I went. Not only did she read her wonderful poetry, but she had so many other WONDERFUL, AMAZING things to say. I cannot wait to scour the libraries and read everything of hers that I can.

Ms. Giovanni said some really wonderful things, and I tried my best to write them all down. I don't know if it's the journalism in me, or my strong desire to write them all out, and post them around the room so I don't ever forget them.

One thing she said that I really liked was, "People are crazy, and there's not much you can do about that." I feel like I deal with that a lot, especially with this job... People, students, whatever, are always going to do what they're gonna do... And I'm doing my best to learn to just take a step back and accept that.

Another wonderful thing she said was, "If you have to go down, you need to go down on something you believe in... something that makes sense to you." This was so wonderful, and doesn't really need any more explanation... But, later she mentioned that, "You can't make sense out of the senseless." Gosh, I would have loved to just sit there and listen to her talk for hours.

There were other gems of knowledge... "I'm so sick of comfortable people telling people who have no choices what they should be doing." I wanted to hug that woman.

And, I think maybe my favorite (oh, who am I kidding? I loved it all) quotes throughout the night had to have been, "If you don't have anything else to do, you have to fall in love."

All in all, a nice night. I went after and got dinner by myself, which was nice, if only because generally I don't go out of my way to get food I want... Rather, I just grab something and eat in the office. I came back to my room, took a bath, and just generally lounged about.

And now it's 2:15 in the morning, and all I want to do is sleep... Which isn't happening... Awesome. Goodnight, and you should read something of Nikki Giovanni's!

Being an Adult Sucks...

So, all around me, I keep hearing about people taking the next step in life. People are moving in together, people are having babies... People are getting pets and cars and joint bank accounts... They're getting married, or divorced or whatever, but they're growing up.

And many of them are growing together... There have been SO MANY engagements, and even a wedding or two among my friends. Many of them have been living together for awhile now, and many more might as well be. Meanwhile, I'm setting my life up to move on.

I've been accepted into graduate school, with a great job that would allow my boyfriend to move in. We could stay in our little apartment, free of charge, with no rent or utilities to worry about. Yet, I don't believe him when he says he wants to move in with me. And I don't know if he understands how serious I am when I say I'm done with long distance.

There is NO REASON for us not to take this step, if we know it's something we want. We could live here, save up all that money we'd be using on rent, and then when we're ready, buy our own house! It would be ours, with no rent, no landlords, no mortgages or banks hung over our heads.

And we could have something NICE. For once in my life, I could be safe and secure.

I will not live my adult life the way I lived my childhood. I will not weep and wonder and worry about where the next bill payment is coming from, or whether or not there will be clean clothes or groceries this week. I will not cry at night because I'm afraid that next month, I won't have a house at all.

I am not going to do this anymore... And I don't know how to make him understand that. I don't know how to make him understand that it's time to be a grown-up... That this is our chance to finally make this relationship work, and if he doesn't take it, I can't do this.

I know he has a lot on his plate. I know he wants to be sure that he provides for his mother. But I need him to realize that if WE are ever going to work, then I need him to focus on the future. And that means trying to provide and save for OUR family, so that when we start one, we won't be starving and living on the streets. I understand that he's looking for a place to live NOW, but I can't understand why he's looking at options that would require him to stay THERE and not HERE.

Mostly, if this isn't something he wants, I need him to TELL ME. Because if he doesn't tell me, then I'm going to be all kinds of screwed up when this is over. Because I love him. I always have, and a part of me probably always will... But this is the FIRST TIME I've ever REALLY felt like we could try and make it as a couple. This is the FIRST TIME I've felt like I KNOW we could spend the rest of our lives together... And I don't want to wait until "someday" for all that to start.

Big Happy Days

So I recognize that I'm horrible at keeping up with this blog

I just don't always have the extra time to post.

Last weekend was the trip to Detroit, which was fabulous

It was an eye-opening experience.

I taught my class this morning, which went really well.

They drew me a picture of teamwork, and we blindfolded one,

Told one she couldn't use her hands.

One couldn't speak, one was angry and unhelpful, and the other was overly helpful.

Two were "normal"

I have a nice picture for my wall now.

The good news I haven't mentioned yet is that last Friday, I got the call from Kent State

I'm going to be an ARHD here next year, which is the position I wanted.

It's going to be great!

The weather is lovely, go out and enjoy it!