Being an Adult Sucks...

So, all around me, I keep hearing about people taking the next step in life. People are moving in together, people are having babies... People are getting pets and cars and joint bank accounts... They're getting married, or divorced or whatever, but they're growing up.

And many of them are growing together... There have been SO MANY engagements, and even a wedding or two among my friends. Many of them have been living together for awhile now, and many more might as well be. Meanwhile, I'm setting my life up to move on.

I've been accepted into graduate school, with a great job that would allow my boyfriend to move in. We could stay in our little apartment, free of charge, with no rent or utilities to worry about. Yet, I don't believe him when he says he wants to move in with me. And I don't know if he understands how serious I am when I say I'm done with long distance.

There is NO REASON for us not to take this step, if we know it's something we want. We could live here, save up all that money we'd be using on rent, and then when we're ready, buy our own house! It would be ours, with no rent, no landlords, no mortgages or banks hung over our heads.

And we could have something NICE. For once in my life, I could be safe and secure.

I will not live my adult life the way I lived my childhood. I will not weep and wonder and worry about where the next bill payment is coming from, or whether or not there will be clean clothes or groceries this week. I will not cry at night because I'm afraid that next month, I won't have a house at all.

I am not going to do this anymore... And I don't know how to make him understand that. I don't know how to make him understand that it's time to be a grown-up... That this is our chance to finally make this relationship work, and if he doesn't take it, I can't do this.

I know he has a lot on his plate. I know he wants to be sure that he provides for his mother. But I need him to realize that if WE are ever going to work, then I need him to focus on the future. And that means trying to provide and save for OUR family, so that when we start one, we won't be starving and living on the streets. I understand that he's looking for a place to live NOW, but I can't understand why he's looking at options that would require him to stay THERE and not HERE.

Mostly, if this isn't something he wants, I need him to TELL ME. Because if he doesn't tell me, then I'm going to be all kinds of screwed up when this is over. Because I love him. I always have, and a part of me probably always will... But this is the FIRST TIME I've ever REALLY felt like we could try and make it as a couple. This is the FIRST TIME I've felt like I KNOW we could spend the rest of our lives together... And I don't want to wait until "someday" for all that to start.