This Might Have Been Mean, But I Sent it Anyway

Jess,

There are a few things I will never understand about what you did, and part of me doesn’t even want to know, but I know that unless I tell you all this, I’ll just go crazy. And normally I’d be more tactful about all of this, but I really can’t care about hurting your feelings during this, or I won’t be able to say what needs to be said.

I have been incredibly grown up throughout this whole process. Even while you were breaking up with me, I was sobbing but telling you it was okay, and to do what you needed to. And you didn’t even cry. You hardly acted like it was difficult for you. And I’m angry at you for that. I never, ever thought that I could be as angry with you as I am right now. I always loved you too much to have this kind of anger, and I’m even more upset that the things you’ve done are making it so I can’t love you anymore. Though I guess I should thank you for that, at least…

I thought that we were really doing well. I know we were still having fights, but we were really talking about things for the first time in a long time. I honestly thought that this was the beginning of something really great, and that we were making this relationship finally work. But I was wrong apparently. I don’t know how, after six years, you didn’t think that I would want more out of our relationship, and that I wouldn’t want to move on. I can’t understand why you didn’t want that.

I also don’t understand what happened all of a sudden to make you change your mind. Something makes me believe you did something you didn’t want to admit to, or that one of your friends put you up to it, because, let’s face it, you’re pretty indecisive. Not knowing what suddenly brought all this shit on bothers me more than a lot of it. I even told you before that I felt like you were pushing me away. Did you just sit there and lie to me about how you felt? Fuck you for that, because at least I’ve always been honest about how I felt.

Do you know how shitty it felt to have you say that you wanted to drink more and smoke more weed? You chose drugs and alcohol over a relationship, which is not only like a shitty after-school special, but makes me feel just a little bit worthless. I never thought anything would make me stop loving you, but I also never thought you’d say something so low.

Next of all, I can’t figure out why you de-friended me on Facebook. I have no idea what prompted that. I could see if I was obsessively commenting on your profile or something like that, but I hardly even looked at it. I noticed that I’d stopped seeing your updates in my newsfeed, and wondered if you were okay… I thought maybe you’d just lost your phone or something. I actually finally found out because your information was still saved on my computer, and I accidentally logged into your profile. I exited it right away, because I respect your privacy, but once I exited it, I just got pissed off.

Seriously? We’ve been friends for six years, Jess. We were together even when we weren’t officially together. I thought that even if you didn’t love me anymore, the sheer fact that we were friends for six years would keep you from being so insanely immature. Because you know what? That basically made me feel like you didn’t give a shit about the six years we spent together.

I understand that you don’t want to grow up. You bitch about Quaker Steak all the time, but really, that’s all you’ve ever wanted. Someone tells you to dance, and you do it. Everyone claps and gushes about how freaking cool you are. If that’s all you want, fine, but you could have been a lot more tactful about how the last seven months went down, because you made me believe we’d honestly have a life together.

Even worse, I asked you to be tactful about how you talked about things with people in the restaurant, because it’s most of Vermilion working there, and that’s my home too. I still have friends that work there, and it’s hard to hear about waitresses saying, “Well they’re just better off that way.” Fuck you and whoever else is trying to tell me how I should feel about anything, because it’s not your life, and you don’t know. We obviously had different expectations for this relationship and our lives.

With all of that out of the way, I’d like to tell you to have a very happy life indeed. It’s obvious now that we were not meant for each other, and as hard as that is to say, at least I can see that now. As much as I loved you before, I can see now how little that really meant, and it’s helping me to move on. Have fun with your restaurant, your drugs and drinking binges. Please be careful. Some of your friends really do care about you, even though you think they’re trying to change you, or you get pissed when they tell you that you’ve got a smoker’s cough. They’re just concerned and they want you to be healthy, which you apparently, and not surprisingly, don’t give a shit about.

So, even though you probably didn’t even read this far into my fucking message, if you did, thank you for reading. Regardless, sending it has given me the closure I needed.

-Amanda