Sometimes It's Better If You Don't...

Quick update on some fun things before I launch into this heavy, heavy blog tonight:

• Went to the rec center today. Worked out on the elliptical and treadmill.
• Got a tasty smoothie
• Came back, only to find Alan and Chadd gearing up to go to the rec... So I went too!
• Swam, hot tubbed, and sat in the sauna, then had dinner.

So that part of today was pretty nice... I felt accomplished. Now, into the heaviness...

Myspace is a nifty little social tool, but let me tell you, I'm not pleased with it tonight. I went poking around Jess's Myspace. I like to look at the pictures. This means I found a link to his ex-girlfriend's Myspace. And because I'm a glutton for punishment, I looked at her photos.

This is an intense process... It involves me looking for every single physical flaw she has, then comparing those to every single one of mine. And unfortunately, I couldn't find enough of her physical flaws to convince me that I'm the winner in that category... And I only know hearsay evidence as to emotional/mental characteristics of hers, so I have to call that contest a draw for now.

There are still all those cute little "I love you" type comments in the photos. Old blogs that talk about their relationship and how much she loved him are still there. I guess I have an opinion of sorts on this... When Jess and I broke up, I purged my life of everything that reminded me of him... This meant photos, old letters and notes, gifts... I went through Facebook and Myspace, meticulously deleting everything. I didn't want to hold on to anything that I couldn't really have anymore. I feel like by keeping those things, it would have been a sign that I wasn't ready to give up. And so I worry she hasn't.

Maybe this is just me being crazy. But it was hard to look at all that, and realize that there was a time where he didn't love me, that there was a time when he was gone. Because even when we were apart, I never stopped loving him. And it's hard to see that he said the same things to her he said to me... And that he says to me now.

I guess I can't blame him... I don't. I really don't blame him. Love is a powerful emotion. I just don't want to think about him loving someone else, because it makes me think that I can be replaced. Because, for whatever brief time, they were engaged... She got the ring, not me. Because I know what it's like to be her on some level, wanting someone you can't have, or something you lost before.

Because I'm a crazy girl, and when I haven't seen him in weeks, these are the places that my mind goes to.

Thanks for listening to my crazy.