So Frustrated...

Jon and I moved to St. Louis a little over a month ago.  It's been a really tough move, with a lot of ups and downs.  Jon is working in the theater, which is his passion... And that's great.  Meanwhile, I've been working for the theater as well, just not in the capacity I'd like to.  But that's okay, because he's happy.  


But I have to vent.  Because quite honestly, this is all getting to be really hard, and I can't tell him that, because he just panics.  I'm the one that's been keeping calm, but I can't hold it all in anymore.  


We aren't making enough money to cover our bills and groceries.  We both tried applying for food stamps, but apparently I have "excessive income."  He didn't even get called back.  How is it possible that we are in the red at the end of every month, but our income is excessive?


In the meantime, I've been applying for second jobs like crazy.  Receptionist positions, retail... I even applied to be a flight attendant.  I don't know what else to do.

On top of all that, we're trying to pay for the wedding.  I've already accepted that I am not getting a dream wedding.  It's not even going to be close to what I want.  But we don't even have money for stamps for the damn envelopes to send out Save the Date cards.  I'm struggling to make payments on a wedding dress, and Jon barely pays for our rings each month.  There will be no money for flowers or decorations...

It's hard, because I spent so much of my life with people telling me that things were going to get better.  That they understood that it was hard for me being "the poor kid" growing up.  That if I just worked hard enough, when I grew up, things would be better.  They aren't.

I have already given up on flowers for the wedding.  I have cut down my guest list.  I have no idea what we are doing for catering.  I will not have a photographer or video person.  I am not paying to get my hair or makeup done.

For once in my life, for that one special day, I'd just like to not have to do things as cheap as possible.  I just want it to be elegant.  I'd like to be able to have a fancy wedding like other people.  For once in my life, I'd like to not want it to be better.  I'd like to not be embarrassed that I can't offer my friends and family more.

I wish that for once in my life, I'd get all those things people told me were going to come.  Because I believed the grown ups who told me it would get better.  I believed that it wouldn't always be that way, and I had hope.

Had.

Duty Night, So Why Sleep Yet?

I'm on duty tonight, so I'll be up for awhile. There's no point in trying to go to sleep until at least 1:00 a.m., because RAs will be done with rounds by then. In the meantime, I'm stuck thinking, which is probably the worst thing for me to be doing.

I got the job as the Winter Break RHD, which basically means that I won't be doing anything for the holidays. The person I'm sharing duty with said he wanted Christmas, so I gave it to him... he's basically my boss during the school year, so I didn't really feel comfortable telling him that he couldn't have it. I got New Year's off, but I don't really do anything for New Years...

This is the problem: Jon wants to go home to see his family for Christmas. Fuck.

I will never tell him not to go see his family on Christmas. Never. What I do want him to understand is that he IS my family. We are a family, and he is all I have this holiday, as my parents wouldn't come visit if I paid them. I am trying to be okay with him going, but of course I'm upset. Who wants to be alone on Christmas?

The other part that makes me upset (and that I can't tell Jon) is that the only reason I took this job is to be able to afford the iPad he wants. He's trying so hard to be happy here, and it's really difficult for him. He isn't making as much money as he wants to, or getting the hours he wants... He's still trying to make friends... I want to get him something he really wants to show him just how much I love him, and how much it means that he stayed. (Which I know he knows anyway...)

How do you tell someone to stay without being selfish?

Two Posts in a Day...

I know, right? Nothing for such a long time, and all of a sudden I'm a blogging machine! Well, I'm on duty tonight, and I try to stay up at least until midnight on those nights, just in case... Also, I really don't want to read for homework yet. Thus the blogging community is stuck with my thoughts.

So I feel a little bit bad complaining about all this... As you saw by my last post, (if you do read this) that I'm thrilled to death that Jon decided to stay with me. He's moved in, and we're really making this apartment a home as much as we can. He gave up a lot to stay while I finish my graduate degree, and I cannot be thankful enough for that. But I'd be lying if I didn't say that there wasn't something on my mind that's really bugging me...

I will be 23 in nine days. When my mother was 23, she gave birth to me. I know this isn't necessarily the best standard to live by, but I'm terrified that my time to have children, to be able to play with them and be the cool mom, is rapidly slipping away.

It honestly seems like all my friends, even the ones that don't want it, are where I WANT to be. They have kids, lives, husbands... Felicia is 18 years old, still finishing high school, and is engaged with plans for a summer wedding. Is it jealousy? Of course it is! I want everything that all my friends have...

I love Jon and I am ready for forever. Now that I really know how much I love him, forever just doesn't seem like long enough, and the days are disappearing so quickly, I don't want them to go. I want the ring, and the house, the white picket fence, and the dog and the yard... I want the pitter patter of feet. I want the "American dream" and I'm so sick and tired of waiting...

Thank you for listening to my whiney nonsense...

Things are Finally Feeling Fine

As the post title suggests, things are going well.

Jon has been home for two weeks now. He starts his job with Target tomorrow. He'll be stocking from 4:30-8:30 a.m. and thus is asleep right now. He went to bed early and I've been awake on duty, doing laundry, and trying to do some reading for homework, and it all feels strangely right.

Jon got offered a job in Florida, and turned it down. They even called him back and offered him more money, and he turned it down again... So right now I'm just in awe of the fact that he loves me enough to stay.

My birthday is in nine days, and I'm just so excited for what this new year will bring!

Updating From My Kindle

That's right world. Apparently I can update my blog from my Kindle!!! It's entirely impractical, and a gigantic pain in the butt to type things out on the tiny little button keyboard and search through the symbol menu for any punctuation more complicated than a period, not to mention that you can't do certain things because you can't open more than one window.

I'm also certain that I could do all of this faster on my Blackberry... But the fact remains, I can blog from my Kindle, and I think that's pretty cool.

Still Awake, Despite My Best Efforts

I was so absolutely exhausted that I went to bed around 10:00, and now here I am, wide awake... There are a couple things contributing to this, I think, but part of it is this new "diet" I'm following. I've been having chest pains, and when I went to the ER this time, they decided that I have gastritis. Basically, my stomach is so inflamed that it's causing me chest pain.

The doctor's solution? In addition to laughing at me and suggesting I exercise more, I am not allowed to have:

-Caffeine

-Alcohol

-Fried foods

-Greasy foods

-Too much dairy

-Nothing after 7:00 p.m.

This is all well and good for most people, but I live and work on a college campus... That's what there is for food here. Also, I don't even get out of class til 7:05, and I haven't eaten dinner at that point. I've been doing the best I can, and since I usually don't go to bed until late anyway, I've told myself that as long as I stop eating by 8:00 p.m., I'm okay.

But I think what happened tonight is that I woke up because I was genuinely hungry. Eating whatever, whenever, is something I've gotten used to, especially when I'm on duty, because you basically work round the clock. I've been trying to just drink tea as a substitute, but tonight I had some applesauce and a couple veggie chips. Now I'm terrified that the horrendous heartburn will return...

This is all extra-irritating because I have to get up early tomorrow for a meeting, and I really would like to have been long asleep by now. At any rate, it was nice to have a moment to write something new.

Things I Have Not Done

This summer has been ridiculously, incredibly busy. From Michigan and blown up cars, to Upward Bound, to St. Louis, straight to residence services, I don't think I've stopped to take a breath. I feel like there are a thousand things I did this summer, but there are some important things I didn't get a chance to do this summer.

1. I did not get to go to Johnson's Island. This is the second summer I haven't been able to go because of work, and that makes me sad. I really miss my island family.

2. There have been no bonfires this summer. This means no marshmallows, no s'mores, nothing.

3. I have not yet been to a beach... I've barely been swimming. (Only monitoring students for UB, and for half a second in the hotel pool... but never outside.)

So I guess maybe it's only three things I can immediately think of, but those three things are really important to me. Johnson's Island basically incorporates all three of those, and I really miss it.