Wow... I'm Big on 1:00 a.m. Posts...

So the time is now 1:08 a.m.

It's October 25, the weekend before Halloween

Which is when the bars in Kent celebrate

And instead of going downtown

And having all sorts of fun

I love looking at costumes...

I am on duty...

I am also on duty next weekend...

Anyway, we've done three rounds already

And not written anyone up 

Knock on wood...

I went shopping this morning with Dani and Connie

To get ready for our Ghost Walk program.

Rehearsal got cancelled Friday,

So I got to go to staff dinner...

And today, in between rounds, 

I watched a movie with Aaron, 

Then another by myself...

I rearranged my room

And cleaned...

Got some groceries...

It's been an incredibly long and productive day...

And one of the better ones that I've had

Besides a few puzzling text messages...

I'm still not sure how I'm going to handle that...

But anyway... I just want to finish duty

Go to bed...

And not get woken up until tomorrow...

Seasons, Like Feelings, Change

I Didn't Ask for Change

Gaze out, across rooftops bathed in night

As golden leaves fall, and the old year dies,

Gives way to Autumn... to Winter

To a state of mind best left untouched

Which holds me fast in Winter's icy grip

Even when the Summer sun surrounds me...

Let the shortened days and lengthened nights

Be dark... just not of spirit

I don't want to be the only person in your life

I only want to be the one you don't want to leave

I never asked for you to let me go

So I'll keep one foot in the door,

But keep the other poised to run...

Never thought I'd feel alone

Surrounded by so many

Where no one touches 

And there are no soft moments

I just need someone to take my hand

And show me, not just say

That everything will be alright.

I don't want to see every day as another battle...

I want to write pretty things again.

Yet Another 1:00 a.m.

Okay, so it's not that late... yet

But I'll be up awhile longer...

I have a fifteen page paper due Thursday

Which I started this afternoon...

I don't know why I waited so long...

I just did...

I'll be honest, things have been real hard lately.

It's like I'm running down a path

And I can't stop, even though I can see a drop-off ahead...

It's almost like I want to fall...

Anyway, I have that paper

Plus French homework that I have to do

But I'm taking a few minutes to write this blog...

Because I feel like I HAVE to...

I tried telling someone how I feel...

How I don't think about good things anymore

How I'm generally an unhappy person

And I'm just too tired to keep pretending...

About how all the crap I do, 

How busy I am

Is really just a charade to make it look like

I have a life, and a purpose

Is just an empty shell...

That even though I enjoy doing those things,

I mostly do it because

If I stopped for two seconds

I'd just sink deeper into misery...

I tried telling her about how I wish it would all stop...

Not that I'd do anything...

But I really just don't want to feel this way

Anymore...

And you know what?

She didn't listen...

She told me she didn't want other people's stress

And that me talking that way made her feel sick...

Even though I've ALWAYS listened to her

Whether I agreed or not...

So now one of the few people I trusted to listen

To tell me it's okay

To tell me that even though I feel like I want to die

That I should never, never think that way

That I'm important and loved and needed

Prettymuch sent me away...

And that's where I'm at right now...

I'm going to post another blog

With a poem I've been working on...

And then get back to the French homework

And the paper...

Real Quick...

Okay, so I should be doing homework

That's a lie...

It's almost 2:30 in the morning...

I should be asleep...

But I'm doing French homework...

Not really, but I will...

Anyway... I just finished a book...

It by Stephen King

Which I have always meant to finish

And finally have

All I have to say is, 

The movie (Which I loved before)

Does not do the book justice

And I don't know how I feel about it now...

There are so many stories

And issues that the movie never shows

Some not as important

But others which would have made the movie

Much more understandable

And then still other things

That I think should have been included...

For instance, how It came to earth

And some of the stories with the bullies

And what happened with Beverly and the boys...

Ugh...

Either way, I've finished the book

Finally...

And now I'm off to do French homework...