So... It's Been Awhile

Yes, well... I suck at blogging.

I guess this started as something that most other people weren't reading... somewhere that I could really say all those things I was thinking...

And I don't know if I stopped needing to vent (I doubt it) or the energy it took to type it all out got to be too much.  Probably the latter....

But at any rate, a lot has happened since I last wrote.

Jon and I moved to Pennsylvania.  He got a job at a performing arts school here, and we've been here since July 1.  We are only an hour from his family, and about 3-3.5 hours from mine.  Since coming back, we've been to my cousin's wedding, a housewarming/graduation party, birthday parties, karaoke, bonfires... We've missed a few things that people have held, but largely, it's almost as good as being back "home"

And really, I've started to really think of this place as home.  We have a 3-bedroom apartment, which right now is one bedroom, an office, and a junk room, but it's a work in progress.  The kitchen is nice enough that we're actually able to have people over for dinner (we cooked for Jon's parents yesterday) and we have our own washer/dryer, which I'm pretty ecstatic about.

I was working for Target briefly, but I've since quit.  The drive was too far for what they were paying me.  So for now, I'm playing homemaker.  Which really means I've been reading a ton.  And I like it.

Angel is insisting I pay attention to her, so this will have to be a quick post!  Hope all is well!

Another Year in STL

So, Jon has decided to take another season of work with STAGES.  They offered him a decent enough raise (not what he wanted, but good enough) and he likes it here.  As much as I want to go back home, I'm excited for another season at STAGES.  I like dressing up and going to the shows, sipping wine at opening night parties, and going to the benefits and auctions.  Sitting at the last auction, listening to people throw around tens of thousands of dollars like it was nothing was intimidating to say the least, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy being a part of it.

After six years at the university, it's nice to feel like an adult.  And that's the big part of my post today.  Jon and I are looking for somewhere new to move, and it's proving to be quite the challenge.  We moved in here under a rent special, and if we renew another year, our rent goes up substantially.  As in, we HAVE to move.  Also, there's been a handful of incidents (Jon's bike stolen, vandalism, fires set) that have made up our mind for us.  Our lease is up in July, which gives us a little time, but not much.

The problem is, our apartment is pretty big.  Any other apartment at the price we pay now is going to be half the size, and we already trip over each other and our stuff as it is.  It seems like all the apartments in the city (the cheap ones) are overrun with college students, and we've had enough of that.  We want a grown-up place.  

So I started the process of trying to see about buying a home.  Our credit will not let us.  I am leaning towards some rent-to-own options, but it's tricky.  Most of the rent-to-owns that aren't totally sketchy are so far away from where we work that it makes it basically pointless to move there.  And the closest options to where Jon will be working move me away from where I work.  Granted, I work at a mall and there are a billion malls here, but still.

I just wish there was some other option.  I can't believe how difficult this process has been, and I just want somewhere to call home.  I've moved every year for the past seven years (sometimes multiple times in a year).  I just want a real home. 

What 23 Taught Me

So, I've been 24 about a week now... almost anyway.  Twenty-three was a big year for me.  There have been a lot of huge events: getting engaged in February, moving to St. Louis in May, and now getting married this coming December.  A lot has happened, and I guess it seems right that I might try to reflect at least a little.

So, without further adieu, and in no particular order:

What 23 Has Taught Me:

 -Sometimes, you have to be your own biggest cheerleader.

  -Not all pizzas are created equal.

-Caring for something that trusts you implicitly and loves you unconditionally makes you want to be a better   

  person.  

-Sometimes, heavy people can move faster than lighter ones.  Especially if you’re zip-lining.

-Sugar cubes are so much better than regular sugar. 

-You appreciate Autumn so much more when your whole Summer was 100+ degrees. 

-Nobody ever said you have to be pregnant to wear maternity clothes. 

-There is no substitute for your mommy. 

-You’re never too old for a tea party.  

-There’s something really special about getting to read aloud to someone.  I’m glad it was something I was 

  able to rediscover. 

-I have no idea how I made it this long without a dog.  I also have no idea what I’ll do when she’s gone. 

-You don’t have to be perfect to have confidence in yourself.  

I Don't Know if Anyone Reads This...

I'm not sure if anyone reads this... but I'm trying to get this out there as much as possible.  Our dog needs an operation, and I'm trying to figure out a way to make it happen.

If you have a moment to take a look, or wouldn't mind passing it on...

Thank you.

https://sites.google.com/site/helpourangel/home

So Frustrated...

Jon and I moved to St. Louis a little over a month ago.  It's been a really tough move, with a lot of ups and downs.  Jon is working in the theater, which is his passion... And that's great.  Meanwhile, I've been working for the theater as well, just not in the capacity I'd like to.  But that's okay, because he's happy.  


But I have to vent.  Because quite honestly, this is all getting to be really hard, and I can't tell him that, because he just panics.  I'm the one that's been keeping calm, but I can't hold it all in anymore.  


We aren't making enough money to cover our bills and groceries.  We both tried applying for food stamps, but apparently I have "excessive income."  He didn't even get called back.  How is it possible that we are in the red at the end of every month, but our income is excessive?


In the meantime, I've been applying for second jobs like crazy.  Receptionist positions, retail... I even applied to be a flight attendant.  I don't know what else to do.

On top of all that, we're trying to pay for the wedding.  I've already accepted that I am not getting a dream wedding.  It's not even going to be close to what I want.  But we don't even have money for stamps for the damn envelopes to send out Save the Date cards.  I'm struggling to make payments on a wedding dress, and Jon barely pays for our rings each month.  There will be no money for flowers or decorations...

It's hard, because I spent so much of my life with people telling me that things were going to get better.  That they understood that it was hard for me being "the poor kid" growing up.  That if I just worked hard enough, when I grew up, things would be better.  They aren't.

I have already given up on flowers for the wedding.  I have cut down my guest list.  I have no idea what we are doing for catering.  I will not have a photographer or video person.  I am not paying to get my hair or makeup done.

For once in my life, for that one special day, I'd just like to not have to do things as cheap as possible.  I just want it to be elegant.  I'd like to be able to have a fancy wedding like other people.  For once in my life, I'd like to not want it to be better.  I'd like to not be embarrassed that I can't offer my friends and family more.

I wish that for once in my life, I'd get all those things people told me were going to come.  Because I believed the grown ups who told me it would get better.  I believed that it wouldn't always be that way, and I had hope.

Had.

Duty Night, So Why Sleep Yet?

I'm on duty tonight, so I'll be up for awhile. There's no point in trying to go to sleep until at least 1:00 a.m., because RAs will be done with rounds by then. In the meantime, I'm stuck thinking, which is probably the worst thing for me to be doing.

I got the job as the Winter Break RHD, which basically means that I won't be doing anything for the holidays. The person I'm sharing duty with said he wanted Christmas, so I gave it to him... he's basically my boss during the school year, so I didn't really feel comfortable telling him that he couldn't have it. I got New Year's off, but I don't really do anything for New Years...

This is the problem: Jon wants to go home to see his family for Christmas. Fuck.

I will never tell him not to go see his family on Christmas. Never. What I do want him to understand is that he IS my family. We are a family, and he is all I have this holiday, as my parents wouldn't come visit if I paid them. I am trying to be okay with him going, but of course I'm upset. Who wants to be alone on Christmas?

The other part that makes me upset (and that I can't tell Jon) is that the only reason I took this job is to be able to afford the iPad he wants. He's trying so hard to be happy here, and it's really difficult for him. He isn't making as much money as he wants to, or getting the hours he wants... He's still trying to make friends... I want to get him something he really wants to show him just how much I love him, and how much it means that he stayed. (Which I know he knows anyway...)

How do you tell someone to stay without being selfish?

Two Posts in a Day...

I know, right? Nothing for such a long time, and all of a sudden I'm a blogging machine! Well, I'm on duty tonight, and I try to stay up at least until midnight on those nights, just in case... Also, I really don't want to read for homework yet. Thus the blogging community is stuck with my thoughts.

So I feel a little bit bad complaining about all this... As you saw by my last post, (if you do read this) that I'm thrilled to death that Jon decided to stay with me. He's moved in, and we're really making this apartment a home as much as we can. He gave up a lot to stay while I finish my graduate degree, and I cannot be thankful enough for that. But I'd be lying if I didn't say that there wasn't something on my mind that's really bugging me...

I will be 23 in nine days. When my mother was 23, she gave birth to me. I know this isn't necessarily the best standard to live by, but I'm terrified that my time to have children, to be able to play with them and be the cool mom, is rapidly slipping away.

It honestly seems like all my friends, even the ones that don't want it, are where I WANT to be. They have kids, lives, husbands... Felicia is 18 years old, still finishing high school, and is engaged with plans for a summer wedding. Is it jealousy? Of course it is! I want everything that all my friends have...

I love Jon and I am ready for forever. Now that I really know how much I love him, forever just doesn't seem like long enough, and the days are disappearing so quickly, I don't want them to go. I want the ring, and the house, the white picket fence, and the dog and the yard... I want the pitter patter of feet. I want the "American dream" and I'm so sick and tired of waiting...

Thank you for listening to my whiney nonsense...