Unexpected Wisdom

So, being sick always messes with my sleeping patterns

As a result, I'm up at this ridiculous hour,

Watching The Simpsons on hulu...

What I actually wanted to share was a quote from the episode I was watching

Because it was really very cute, and it made me feel a little bit happy

Which is nice, because I'm having fewer and fewer of those moments, it seems...

Anyway, the episode ended on a sort of happy, yet hopeful note

And I want to share the lines from the end with you...

"Some time when you least expect it, you realize that someone loved you... And that means someone can love you again... And that'll make you smile."

And then, I really did smile. I hope you have too.

Forgot to Come Up With a Title...

Thanks to the anonymity of the internet, and the fact that I'm pretty sure no one reads this anyway, I feel fairly comfortable with the rant I'm about to go on...

I'm really angry with myself as a person right now. All my friends are, for the most part, at good places in their lives. I am so very, very happy for them. I've been praying and wishing and hoping that everything would work out for them.

And now, they're dating or engaged or married or otherwise entangled with a significant other. Which is fabulous... But then there's me... Alone, and feeling useless and so damn jealous that sometimes I can't even see straight.

These people talk all about how wonderful things are for them right now... And I'm glad. I'm so glad that they can talk to me, and they tell me the things that they won't tell other people. It makes me feel so great knowing that I'm a good friend to them. But it's so hard to hear all their good news when on the inside, I'm crying my eyes out.

I'm trying so hard to be the best friend I can... Listening to the good, the bad, the ugly, the downright insane... I don't, by any means, want them to quit telling me the things they are. It's just so hard to hear all these wonderful, lovey-dovey, "life is perfect" stories when I'm so screwed up I don't know how I'm going to make it through another week.

Here's the part where I really break down... I cannot... CANNOT handle everything that's going on right now. I bounce from one thing to the next, with no time in the middle for myself. I'm being pulled in fourteen different directions all the time, and I have to sit there and take it with a straight face. Inside, I'm pulling my hair out, screaming, crying and just praying for someone or something to take me away from it all...

And there's absolutely no way out of the situation. I have no way of fixing this... Nothing that I can do except "get in the swing of things." I DON'T LIKE the swing of things. I don't WANT to get used to it. I want to get AWAY from all of it. I want to scream and cry and fall down and throw a fit FOR REAL, not just in my head.

I want it to be okay for me to be screwed up. I want someone to say, "I understand," and help me fix the problem. Not just say, "I understand, it'll be okay once you get into the swing of things." I want to feel like it's okay to tell people that I'm in over my head... But I'm scared to do that.

Why My Job Makes Me Crazy

Let's rewind the clocks to midnight last night...

I watched a drunk girl roll around on the bathroom floor

Mumbling incoherently about some guy

"Call _____ he knows what he's doing..."

And as her friends try to get her to leave, she starts again...

"No... baby, baby, baby..."

I'd seen enough.

Finishing rounds, we found an unopened can of beer in the stairwell

We're not allowed to touch it

So we called security to have them dump it out.

Thank goodness I didn't do it

Because when the poor guy opened the can

It exploded all over him...

Move the clocks forward to 2:00 a.m.

Calling to let them know I'm going on rounds,

They ask me to come mop up a soda spill in the hallway

Because, "It's closer to you then us."

I assume "us" is security... And apparently security don't know distances

But whatever, mopped up the soda.

Returned everything to the slop closet...

Had this odd feeling that I was going to be back...

Went on rounds... things went well for awhile

No drunk girls in the bathroom...

No noise, no soda...

And there it was... VOMIT

Outside the bathroom door on the third floor

It was gross... There were onions in it.

Long story short, cleaned that up.

Scrubbed floor.

Returned biohazard bag to slop closet.

It's now after 3:00 in the morning

And I'm trying to go to sleep...

Dreaming of sleeping through the morning half of my shift...

Almost made it...

It's 1:20 p.m. and I'm laying in bed

And there's a knock at the door...

Two girls telling me that someone pooped in the hallway

Outside their room...

So, another long story short, I scrubbed that up

And scrubbed everything off the radiator

And cleaned up all the nasty paper towels...

So, this is why my job makes me crazy.

Love Songs; A Complaint and Praise

I am constantly amazed by how much song lyrics get to me.

And sometimes I wonder if it's just a bad day or not

But it seems like even the songs I don't identify with still upset me.

For instance, let's talk about Taylor Swift

(And in no way am I putting her down, I love her music)

It's not really applicable beyond high school

But the general emotions are something everyone's felt.

For instance, I've heard the song, "You Belong to Me"

Enough times to make me want to rip the radio out of my car...

Too much of a good thing can be a bad thing

But tonight, I saw the video for it, and it's making it's way back up

Into my list of favorite songs again.

Mostly because I feel like even though this isn't Senior prom,

I'm still that geeky little girl that's always desperately in love

And just can't say it.

Furthermore, tonight I was reading some stuff by Jay Brannan

(I suggest if you haven't listened to him, give him a try... http://jaybrannan.com/index2.html)

And he makes a lot of points about how even though

We may not BE the person in the song, we still relate to the feelings

And it's sent me on a tangent of emotional songs

Which, for better or worse, is kind of messing with my mind tonight...

No matter... I like it. It's nice to feel things and know

That you aren't the only person that's ever felt alone, or scared, or pushed aside.

So that's my tangent for tonight.

You should give Jay Brannan a listen... especially if you like Folk music.

Goodnight and pleasant dreams!

I Warn You; Stop Reading Now

Hooray for burnout!

I've reached the point where I can't do it anymore

Yet the year's just begun,

And there's so much more to do.

So even though I can't do it anymore, I can't stop

I won't stop really.

God, it's so frustrating that I'm screaming inside

And no matter how many people I tell

I still feel so empty and frazzled and downright lost.

I miss feeling happy, and having a life.

I've made school and work my life

And while I've made some great friends out of it

There's a lot that I've missed out on too

Now I feel like I can't say, "It's too much."

Because people expect me to be the one to always keep going

I expect me to keep going, because I don't know what else to do.

There is no other option but to keep doing it.

I just don't know how to say that I'm in over my head

And while my friends sing happy songs

And lead happy lives

I sit here dismally like some stupid, kicked around puppy

Trying to make someone, ANYONE notice me.

And notice that I'm not okay...

That I'm further from okay than anyone can really understand.

Regardless of these facts, I'm happy for them

All my friends... because they're happy

They're leading new lives

And meeting new people, and finding what makes them happy

And I love that! I'm ecstatic for them.

But I'm angry too...

I'm so, SO angry, and I don't know how to deal with that

Because all I ever wanted was to love my friends

To never be jealous of them, and listen to all their joys and woes

And I can't even stand it anymore... the good or the bad

I can't even handle my own shit...

And there's nothing I can do to make any of it better.

I used to be so afraid to let people know that something was wrong

I was scared they'd see I wasn't perfect

And now, when I'm trying so hard to let people see that I need them

They don't see it. Or if they do see, there's nothing they can do to help.

I was finally at a point where I was willing to open up.

I wanted to let people in, and I wanted to stop being so scared

And that whole chance got taken away from me

So this incident that started as being this huge deal...

This life-ruining, earth-shattering deal...

It's all just another stupid, ruined chance.

It's just the tip of the iceberg

For another stupid glacier of misery...

I just feel overwhelmed and completely on my own

And I need someone to sit down and say, "It'll be okay."

Even when we both know it won't be.

Because I know I'm in for a long, DIFFICULT year.

And nothing anyone can do or say is going to change that.

I just want to go to bed and cry and cry,

And wake up in the morning with this renewed sense of hope for the world.

Don't get me wrong; I always have hope for tomorrow.

It's almost as if that bright, shiny horizon seems a little brighter now

But right now, it's so dark I don't know what to do.

Hooray for Happy Dreams...

So last night, I had this dream...

I went back to my high school for some reason

And I ran into a boy that I went to school with

I'd forgotten that he was so much taller than me

(Though taller, not heavier than me)

But in my dream, I ran up to hug him,

Because I was so happy to see him again

As I threw my arms around his neck,

He wrapped one arm around my back

And lifted me up into the air, effortlessly

While he twirled me around, I just hugged him tighter

Wrapping my legs around his waist

Sort of koala bear style, but more like a little kid getting a piggyback ride.

And in my dream, it was just so good to see him again

And know that he was okay, and happy

When I woke up, I felt glad and light and lovely.

I hope that wherever he is and whatever he's doing

That he really is okay...

He was the kid in high school that I felt like I should protect

So it was great to have a dream in which he was strong

And independent and holding me up...

Symbolism, anyone? I like to think so...

Anyway, that was my dream last night

And now, I'm off to bed...

Hopefully for more good dreams.

Although, I watched a scary movie earlier

So I can't guarantee that...

Goodnight!

Warning: Whiney Blog

Dearest readers, if you don't like people complaining, I suggest you stop now. That being said, here I go.

Basically, I am not a talker... contrary to popular belief.

I talk about stupid, pointless things... I talk in class

But when it's something that really, REALLY matters to me

I often do not say anything at all.

I don't put myself out on a limb, because, let's face it,

Oftentimes, stuff like that just blows up in your face.

So I bottle things up, and I wait for "the right time" to say things

And usually (so I don't know why I'm surprized) it backfires.

Like this time. Like this ridiculous, completely avoidable time

Because I am too scared to open my mouth and say what I feel like

So now, I'm stuck here, writing this obnoxious, whiney post...

I could STILL say what I always planned on saying,

But it wouldn't help now... And I have no desire to make anyone feel awkward.

Somehow, in some way, I'm gonna have to say it...

But not today. Not now.